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There are days, much like yesterday, when I parent in the present. I get caught up in the lack of sleep a toddler creates, along with her stubbornness and tantrum-throwing. I think about the next 10 minutes and nothing more. What will get us through the day. What will get us past the present and difficult moment. I pick my battles in order to keep the peace.
There are other days, much like the day before yesterday, when I parent in the future. I try and make the best decisions for her when she’s 5 or 10 or even 15. As I try and find a solution to a problem I quiz Hubby to which he replies, “You think about the future. I think about what works best now.”
And I do. I’m often thinking about how our decisions today will affect her future. Is what she sees today going to matter later on? Will the way we teach her things change the way she behaves in years to come?
There are days, much like the weekend just gone, when I read or see things that stop me in my tracks and make me grateful that we have a future, that I can plan ahead beyond the present.
I read something over the weekend that had my in tears as I pored over every heartfelt word. I lay in bed reading the post with a huge lump in my throat. Emily Rapp shared, “My son is 18 months old and will likely die before his third birthday. Ronan was born with Tay-Sachs, a rare genetic disorder. He is slowly regressing into a vegetative state. He’ll become paralyzed, experience seizures, lose all of his senses before he dies. There is no treatment and no cure.”
Emily doesn’t parent in the future, only in the present because it’s all she may very well have. She’s achingly honest about it. If her son wants dessert for dinner, she lets him. She writes, “Day-to-day [life] is often peaceful, even blissful. This was my day with my son: cuddling, feedings, naps. He can watch television if he wants to; he can have pudding and cheesecake for every meal. We are a very permissive household. We do our best for our kid, feed him fresh food, brush his teeth, make sure he’s clean and warm and well rested and … healthy? Well, no. The only task here is to love, and we tell him we love him, not caring that he doesn’t understand the words. We encourage him to do what he can, though unlike us he is without ego or ambition.”
There are days like today, when I look at my little girl sleeping, and forget the stress of the diva-like tantrums of yesterday and the worries of choosing the right school for her in years to come, and I just remember to be grateful for this moment, the present. Because it truly is a gift.
You really do write with such heart Telle, a post I needed to read x
I live by a saying “the only moment I can doing anything about is the one I'm living in right now”
I used to be a “forecaster”… lived so much in the future that I forgot to live in the now. I don't anymore… I think it may frustrate people when they ask me -so what are you plans? and I respond, well I'm not really sure, I'll just concentrate on doing this for the moment, and when I get closer to “xyz” I'll have a better idea” … and its not avoidance, for its keeping myself open to opportunities, and living in the present.
Beautiful post… x
Love this post. Really beautiful and my heart goes out to Emily and her family. Thanks for sharing and making me stop and think xxx
Great post. It's a bit of a wake up call for me. Thanks for sharing.
I can't imagine how Emily and her family manage.
I often find its when we are becoming overwhelmed and caught up in the tantrums and relatively minor problems we face that we are smacked in the face with a great big dose of perspective. Emily's story is certainly one of those doses, and when Nick wants to watch tv and not go to kindy this morning, I might just let him watch for half an hour before we go. Thanks for reminding us how lucky we are. Emily sounds like amazing person and mother.
So very true! It is hard to remember so days amidst the tantrums, crying and nap fighting, that in fact everything can end in the blink of an eye. We must live for today and worry about tomorrow when it is actually here.
What a great post, although I'm feeling this lump in my throat, too. I often feel so caught up in our every day troubles and so I'm working hard to create good memories for our kids to treasure in difficult times and to keep in their hearts for the future whenever time permits. Even though parenting can be quite a challenge at times, I think it's important to enjoy every good moment together.
What a poignant post, we all seem to worry about what happened yesterday and what will happen tomorrow, when the most important is what's happening right now. I so feel for Emily's family and it is a reminder to live in the moemnt with your children. x
Thanks for this post. Parenting really is a combination of parenting for now and the future.
There are decisions I made when K was younger which have since come back to bite me on the butt and I wonder now if I had known then what I know now, how differently I would have made that decision on the day. But, we make the best decisions that we can at the time with the info that we have and we live with the consequences, whatever they are.
Thank you for posting Emily's story and reminding me to really appreciate what I have.
Have a great day !
Oooh my heart is melting for Emily.
Beautiful post – I really feel for Emily and her family. I can only imagine what their life must be like.
As for living in the present versus the future, I think there needs to be a balance between the two.
I like to live in the moment with my kids while they're awake and up and about. But when they're asleep, I'm all for making a better tomorrow for them and ensuring that we have a financial plan in place that will take care of them. My biggest fear is what will happen to them if something happens to me – I need to make sure they're going to be well taken care of and given the life that I would give them if I was around. Not that anything bad is on the horizon for me, but we do a lot of travelling and what if we have a car accident? What if I get hit by a car walking across the road to work? Too many what ifs.
So yes, definitely live in the now and appreciate what you have, but you also need to be doing some forward planning as well. Everything in moderation!
Just the most beautiful and timely post Chantelle. I've had a couple of “sick” boys for the last few weeks & each time I start to whinge about it, I remember the other kids in the high dependency neurological ward we shared at the childrens a fortnight ago. Those kids were truly sick and some of them will never get better and were definitely being parented for the present.
It's very easy to get caught up in the tricky toddler behaviours I'm being faced with, but this is another excellent reminder of how bloody lucky I am.
Thank you for helping to keep me on track! Your words are always so beautiful.
Amy xoxo
thankyou so much for sharing this Chantelle, such an important reminder (and totally heartbreaking story)…it reinforces a book I have been reading to help me try and get my head around my older girls (9 and fast approaching 8). Like you i am one to think to the future (hubby is not) but am focusing more and more on todays because by taking care of today I'm helping take care of tomorrow. Frequently reminding myself that cuddles and laughter are much more important than all those other things that creep into our days and somehow become our focus. Tatum xx
If it's one thing I know for sure, it's that parenting is a balance. A balance between child/ren and husband, between siblings, between work and home, and between now and the future… the aim is to find the right balance. Perspective always helps xo
You are so right. Thanks for this post – I do need a wake up call every now and then x
Most definitely.. You never know what the future holds..
Parent for now and I think the future will take care of itself. Love this, Chantelle x
Hi, this is my first time here – and I'm so glad I swung by :). Just today I had a momentary freak-out about what my 12yo son would finish up doing and being. I don't know what brought it on, but I do know that if I gave it too much air, I'd give drive myself insane (not a long journey). Rightly or wrongly, I decided it's my job to help him get where he's going, not wondering where that might be. x
I read that same post Telle and her honesty touched me deeply too. Mothers are such powerful influences in the lives of little ones.
I saw that heart wrenching post. It had me in tears too. Way to have perspective thrown in your face. She is a very brave woman.
A nice reminder of just how blessed I am
Thanks for posting this Chantelle, and reminding me to stop wishing the years away and just breath & enjoy each moment with my little dude. Much needed this week as work has taken over.
Thanks
A x
So utterly powerful and so so true Chantelle. Whilst planning for the future holds some importance, it's not the MOST important thing. The story you have relayed here leaves me with a very heavy heart, I struggle to come to terms with certain realities. Reality like this poor Mama lives every day. We have a friend who is fighting for the survival of her little girl right now and she is just amazing. Running fundraisers and throwing herself into anything she can do to make her girl better. Hope will do that to people and it's a wonderful thing xo