I suck at this bit of parenting too. first child of my used to be super chilled, seriously I called him the self raising kid as I felt like I rarely had to do anything, he just did everything they are ‘supposed’ to do when they are ‘supposed’ to do it, (Second child kicked me in the arse so hard it still hurts), but over the past year (ages 6-7) this chilled child has turned into Jeckel and Hyde, I never know which one I am going to get – chilled kid or absolutely raging nightmare kid, its horrible and I have no idea really how to deal when the shit hits the fan! If I figure it out I’ll let you know!
I have 2 very different boys, like your girls one who is super chilled and just does what he is supposed to do the other can be a downright jerk sometimes!! Just when I think I have found his weakness (no computer for a day/2/a week) which I can use as a punishment (or just threat) he goes and decides that he doesn’t care for computer time anymore!!! He is 10 and I am hoping that we are getting the rebellious, argumentative, jerk-ish behaviour out of the way before teen years… sounds legit yeah?!?!
… sorry I have no suggestions to help you Chantelle….I was a terrible Mum…. I loved my kids but that was about the only thing I got right.. xxxx
We just muddled through, one day at a time.. time passed and one day they were all grown up and having children of their own…..
My kids tell me I was a good Mum and they had a great childhood… it;s fascinating how their memories and mine are so different…..
My advice is to enjoy this time with them and don’t be too hard on yourself..because it will be over too soon…. there is no right or wrong way to raise kids … just do the best you can at the time xxxxx Barb xxxx
Love this Barb
I think at the end of the day we can all be shitty parents. I grew up with parents that never said I love you and I can’t help saying it within thi first 3 mins of seeing my daughter and about a million other times a day. I know some days I handle things lest than perfect and others I just haven’t got the energy to play with her but I work on a ‘ for every wrong there are 4 rights’ if I can get this ratio right I think she won’t be a damaged adult ?
I’m going to sound like a total Mum wanker when I say this, but I’ve worked out with my 4 year old, when he’s totally losing it, I say “Hey mate, do you want a hug?” Sometimes, when he’s being a first class turd, hugging him is the last thing I feel like doing, but 9 times out of 10, it works. It calms both of us down and reconnects us.
It hasn’t always been like that. I, like so many Mums, have struggled with depression and anxiety and feeling like the worst mother because I’ve yelled or flipped the bird behind their back, or sworn (I want to say under my breath, but sometimes it not, like, really not!), but I’ve slowly worked out that often when a kid is being a turd, they need reassurance. And sometimes they’re just turds because they can be, and that’s why God invented gin.
I think it is always tricky to offer any advice because each parent and child is different and therefore each dynamic is different. I can say what works for us and I can say that consistency makes a big difference. If anyone can bottle up the energy for that and sell it to parents it would be a winner. I love the phrase that children need to borrow our calm. When we feel angry, frustrated, upset imagine how intense those feelings feel inside their own little bodies. By being consistent, as tiring as it is, we are modelling for our kids, and giving them the chance to repeat over and over, how to self-regulate their own behaviour which in the end is what it is about. For example on the plane if your daughter had had a lot of practice with recognising how tired felt in her body and had some words for saying that then it may have short circuited the tantrum (or maybe not 🙂 ). I have one daughter who is an amazing self-regulator. I have a younger son who puts the Energizer bunny to shame. He needs a lot of hugging when upset as the hugging helps calm his limbic system. Interestingly the limbic system works with emotions and also memory so now after many months of us hugging him when he is being a challenging 4 year old (and mummy takes deep breaths) he now seeks us out for a hug to calm down rather than kicking or throwing things. You love your girls and do an awesome job. You do have all the answers because you know what makes your girls tick. Choose one strategy that works for them for self-regulating and you will find it will work well.
My eldest has always pushed every button I have. He’s 16 and still does it! My younger two not so much. I can rein them in with a firm word or two. At home our big punishment is “sutting against the wall” blank wall in the hallway with no distractions. A few minutes beside the wall calms everyone down. I even made Mr 16 sit there recently. If we’re out they are told they’ll be sitting against the wall when we get home. It sounds lame but it’s so much more effective than anything else. I’m not a smacker (plus 2/3 of them are taller than me already), I hate yelling and usually just need a quick tension breaker so the wall it is. I can tell you it’s rarely needed these days so it does get better.
Oh, I remember when my son was 2-3 and a short time out (or the trendy time-in where you’d go somewhere quiet and sit with him until he calmed down because sending him to his room by himself at that age would have made things worse – he’s a bit sensitive love him) was the only thing that worked when he got really really OTT. Except you couldn’t do that on a crowded train in the middle of Korea for 6 hours. I remember being in hotel rooms and he’d be playing up but I couldn’t give myself a time out (haha) or him either. So he’d misbehave even more knowing we couldn’t dish out the usual consequences. I remember absolutely bawling at one point. Holy shit. I’ll probably never travel the way we did with a child that age again haha. I reckon a blog post on ‘discipline’ for travellers in confined places would be so fantastic – it’d go nuts! x
Well Good Morning to all. ?For me this morning is a good morning but times can change at any moment no fault of my own but as always I will manage to make it, on an evaluation of the out come that I should have prevented it or dealt with it differently. I don’t see it as blame just a manner of management, hope & delusion I am in control of the out come for future, at any moment the next eruption of temper or vortex of emotion. A better statergy for when everything seems to go awall again, helps me breath.
I am a Mother of 6. 3 girls & 3 boys. Yes I watched far too much Brady Bunch & believed that being a mum to many was, I mean is! My life’s dream. 18 pregnancies in total to keep 6 under wing. So all very precious to me. They each hold the golden ticket I tell them as they look at me with that look of ‘really Mum!’ If only this had audio as they are fighting as I type!!
As I was a previous childcare teacher I believed I had it all worked out!!! My kindy kids loved me. Their parents looked up to me. With respect, give me the hard work, dirty nappies & sleepless nights of baby & toddlerhood over the head spinning, heart breaking, emotional vortex & indurance of teenagers.
To all others in the world my teenagers are well behaved, well adjusted, mature young adults. At home they can be so mean.” I’m not to take it personally “the teenagers tell me!
How unaware they are to how personal their creation & upbringing was & is.
At this stage of my life with a now lump in my throat & tears in my eyes ( probably peri menapause, I have to blame something I can’t be crazy or anything!!) it defines me. It’s all far too personal. 2/6 are now out of school. This year is time to find & strengthen Me.
Good luck to all. Amour up. Teenagers are coming. Consistency is the key. Be strong. FAKE IT TIL YOU FEEL IT!! Remember to breath, oh & don’t take it personally!!
Oops sorry went on a bit?What can I say it’s been 20 years in the making & 20 years on the roller coaster of parenting but I wouldn’t have it any other way, I think?
Love this
I’m petrified of parenting teenage girls
I know that feeling well. Many years ago I was a nanny & nanny-me had it all under control ……. what happened ??!!
Reality hit, I guess! Wah!
I want to put my head in the sand and ignore too. And you know what – sometimes that works! And good on you because whispering is so much more scary than yelling + you avoid looking like a nut job in public. Parenting S U C K S.
I think you just get an idea of parenting from your own parents. My parents were ultra strict. They had 4 kids in tow and we just knew from a sidewards glance if we were crossing the line! I raised my kids fairly similar to that and didn’t have major problems in the behaviour department in public. Having said it hasnt been easy. It takes a LOT of time and EFFORT! They are now 14 and 18, fairly well behaved. Girls are the biggest challenge for sure. I can tell you between my husband and I we have 5 boys and my daughter is the only girl. She definitely is the handful! You can only do the best you can do at the time xx
We do ‘think time’ (which we used to call ‘time out’) in a certain part of the house, but we also do that WITH them. That is, we don’t tell them to go sit there on their own for a certain period of time, but rather get them started with that, a 1/2 minute on their own, and then we join them to talk through what WAS happening and what they’d like to happen NEXT time.
This ties really closely to my favourite tactic (from time working with expelled adolescents) in using ‘control theory’. Control theory is about focusing on what you DO want to see/ happen, not saying ‘no’ or ‘stop that’ to things that you DON’T want happening. It’s super easy with 2 questions: 1 – ‘What are you doing?’ They have to say whatever it is they’re doing and the very act of verbalising that helps them see it’s mostly unhelpful or unreasonable or just plain ridiculous AND they also OWN the behaviour by saying ‘I am’ or ‘I was’. 2 – ‘What should you be doing?’ Then they name what is better action/ behaviour and just start doing it.
It sounds simple but that’s why I reckon it’s effective AND consistent. I remember a 6 foot+ 16 year old pulling a knife on me near a classroom. I used the 2 questions and in an instant he turned from an angry, out-of-control, young man to a reticent, sheepish and wanting-to-be-in-control young man!
Play it out in your head……
Q – ‘What are you doing?’ A – ‘Jumping on the couch’
Q – ‘What should you be doing?’ A – ‘Sitting on the couch’
Maybe the second question with unruly child on the plane could have prompted a (distracting and evolving) convo like ‘I should be…..looking out the window and enjoying the view…. Feeling excited about going on a holiday…. Being courteous to you and the people around me’ There’s lots you can do with THAT part about values 🙂
Goji berry oxidants! *laughing so hard*
I was raised by one very passive parent and one very authoritarian parent and subsequently began to raise my children with the same mix of parenting styles from my own parents (yikes). Luckily my eldest hated being put in time out, being smacked was just awful and he reacted for many years to my old school disciplining. After his 4 years of disastrous parenting, I began to really search for how to do it better and i can proudly say after much research, study and training, my parenting style has changed MASSIVELY! And of course so then has his behavioural problems. Turns out it was not him as many people, doctors, child healthy nurses predicted. Turns out when I regulate myself, connect with him (and my other kids) and learn to emotion coach my children, I actually have very few challenges with my children at all. BUT it takes huge work to believe that connection works better than anything else. I regret every moment I tried to do time outs, time ins, smacks, discipline, threats etc. NONE of that stuff works as they get older and I am completely powerless when I do fall back into old habits. All I can do is change my reactions to my children cry for help (disguised as misbehaviour). I agree parenting is super hard and I’m certainly not ever 100% great at it, but I’m actually starting to enjoy it most of the time and hope to share my successes with other parents through my work one day.
I suck at this bit of parenting too. first child of my used to be super chilled, seriously I called him the self raising kid as I felt like I rarely had to do anything, he just did everything they are ‘supposed’ to do when they are ‘supposed’ to do it, (Second child kicked me in the arse so hard it still hurts), but over the past year (ages 6-7) this chilled child has turned into Jeckel and Hyde, I never know which one I am going to get – chilled kid or absolutely raging nightmare kid, its horrible and I have no idea really how to deal when the shit hits the fan! If I figure it out I’ll let you know!
I have 2 very different boys, like your girls one who is super chilled and just does what he is supposed to do the other can be a downright jerk sometimes!! Just when I think I have found his weakness (no computer for a day/2/a week) which I can use as a punishment (or just threat) he goes and decides that he doesn’t care for computer time anymore!!! He is 10 and I am hoping that we are getting the rebellious, argumentative, jerk-ish behaviour out of the way before teen years… sounds legit yeah?!?!
… sorry I have no suggestions to help you Chantelle….I was a terrible Mum…. I loved my kids but that was about the only thing I got right.. xxxx
We just muddled through, one day at a time.. time passed and one day they were all grown up and having children of their own…..
My kids tell me I was a good Mum and they had a great childhood… it;s fascinating how their memories and mine are so different…..
My advice is to enjoy this time with them and don’t be too hard on yourself..because it will be over too soon…. there is no right or wrong way to raise kids … just do the best you can at the time xxxxx Barb xxxx
Love this Barb
I think at the end of the day we can all be shitty parents. I grew up with parents that never said I love you and I can’t help saying it within thi first 3 mins of seeing my daughter and about a million other times a day. I know some days I handle things lest than perfect and others I just haven’t got the energy to play with her but I work on a ‘ for every wrong there are 4 rights’ if I can get this ratio right I think she won’t be a damaged adult ?
I’m going to sound like a total Mum wanker when I say this, but I’ve worked out with my 4 year old, when he’s totally losing it, I say “Hey mate, do you want a hug?” Sometimes, when he’s being a first class turd, hugging him is the last thing I feel like doing, but 9 times out of 10, it works. It calms both of us down and reconnects us.
It hasn’t always been like that. I, like so many Mums, have struggled with depression and anxiety and feeling like the worst mother because I’ve yelled or flipped the bird behind their back, or sworn (I want to say under my breath, but sometimes it not, like, really not!), but I’ve slowly worked out that often when a kid is being a turd, they need reassurance. And sometimes they’re just turds because they can be, and that’s why God invented gin.
I think it is always tricky to offer any advice because each parent and child is different and therefore each dynamic is different. I can say what works for us and I can say that consistency makes a big difference. If anyone can bottle up the energy for that and sell it to parents it would be a winner. I love the phrase that children need to borrow our calm. When we feel angry, frustrated, upset imagine how intense those feelings feel inside their own little bodies. By being consistent, as tiring as it is, we are modelling for our kids, and giving them the chance to repeat over and over, how to self-regulate their own behaviour which in the end is what it is about. For example on the plane if your daughter had had a lot of practice with recognising how tired felt in her body and had some words for saying that then it may have short circuited the tantrum (or maybe not 🙂 ). I have one daughter who is an amazing self-regulator. I have a younger son who puts the Energizer bunny to shame. He needs a lot of hugging when upset as the hugging helps calm his limbic system. Interestingly the limbic system works with emotions and also memory so now after many months of us hugging him when he is being a challenging 4 year old (and mummy takes deep breaths) he now seeks us out for a hug to calm down rather than kicking or throwing things. You love your girls and do an awesome job. You do have all the answers because you know what makes your girls tick. Choose one strategy that works for them for self-regulating and you will find it will work well.
My eldest has always pushed every button I have. He’s 16 and still does it! My younger two not so much. I can rein them in with a firm word or two. At home our big punishment is “sutting against the wall” blank wall in the hallway with no distractions. A few minutes beside the wall calms everyone down. I even made Mr 16 sit there recently. If we’re out they are told they’ll be sitting against the wall when we get home. It sounds lame but it’s so much more effective than anything else. I’m not a smacker (plus 2/3 of them are taller than me already), I hate yelling and usually just need a quick tension breaker so the wall it is. I can tell you it’s rarely needed these days so it does get better.
Oh, I remember when my son was 2-3 and a short time out (or the trendy time-in where you’d go somewhere quiet and sit with him until he calmed down because sending him to his room by himself at that age would have made things worse – he’s a bit sensitive love him) was the only thing that worked when he got really really OTT. Except you couldn’t do that on a crowded train in the middle of Korea for 6 hours. I remember being in hotel rooms and he’d be playing up but I couldn’t give myself a time out (haha) or him either. So he’d misbehave even more knowing we couldn’t dish out the usual consequences. I remember absolutely bawling at one point. Holy shit. I’ll probably never travel the way we did with a child that age again haha. I reckon a blog post on ‘discipline’ for travellers in confined places would be so fantastic – it’d go nuts! x
Well Good Morning to all. ?For me this morning is a good morning but times can change at any moment no fault of my own but as always I will manage to make it, on an evaluation of the out come that I should have prevented it or dealt with it differently. I don’t see it as blame just a manner of management, hope & delusion I am in control of the out come for future, at any moment the next eruption of temper or vortex of emotion. A better statergy for when everything seems to go awall again, helps me breath.
I am a Mother of 6. 3 girls & 3 boys. Yes I watched far too much Brady Bunch & believed that being a mum to many was, I mean is! My life’s dream. 18 pregnancies in total to keep 6 under wing. So all very precious to me. They each hold the golden ticket I tell them as they look at me with that look of ‘really Mum!’ If only this had audio as they are fighting as I type!!
As I was a previous childcare teacher I believed I had it all worked out!!! My kindy kids loved me. Their parents looked up to me. With respect, give me the hard work, dirty nappies & sleepless nights of baby & toddlerhood over the head spinning, heart breaking, emotional vortex & indurance of teenagers.
To all others in the world my teenagers are well behaved, well adjusted, mature young adults. At home they can be so mean.” I’m not to take it personally “the teenagers tell me!
How unaware they are to how personal their creation & upbringing was & is.
At this stage of my life with a now lump in my throat & tears in my eyes ( probably peri menapause, I have to blame something I can’t be crazy or anything!!) it defines me. It’s all far too personal. 2/6 are now out of school. This year is time to find & strengthen Me.
Good luck to all. Amour up. Teenagers are coming. Consistency is the key. Be strong. FAKE IT TIL YOU FEEL IT!! Remember to breath, oh & don’t take it personally!!
Oops sorry went on a bit?What can I say it’s been 20 years in the making & 20 years on the roller coaster of parenting but I wouldn’t have it any other way, I think?
Love this
I’m petrified of parenting teenage girls
I know that feeling well. Many years ago I was a nanny & nanny-me had it all under control ……. what happened ??!!
Reality hit, I guess! Wah!
I want to put my head in the sand and ignore too. And you know what – sometimes that works! And good on you because whispering is so much more scary than yelling + you avoid looking like a nut job in public. Parenting S U C K S.
I think you just get an idea of parenting from your own parents. My parents were ultra strict. They had 4 kids in tow and we just knew from a sidewards glance if we were crossing the line! I raised my kids fairly similar to that and didn’t have major problems in the behaviour department in public. Having said it hasnt been easy. It takes a LOT of time and EFFORT! They are now 14 and 18, fairly well behaved. Girls are the biggest challenge for sure. I can tell you between my husband and I we have 5 boys and my daughter is the only girl. She definitely is the handful! You can only do the best you can do at the time xx
We do ‘think time’ (which we used to call ‘time out’) in a certain part of the house, but we also do that WITH them. That is, we don’t tell them to go sit there on their own for a certain period of time, but rather get them started with that, a 1/2 minute on their own, and then we join them to talk through what WAS happening and what they’d like to happen NEXT time.
This ties really closely to my favourite tactic (from time working with expelled adolescents) in using ‘control theory’. Control theory is about focusing on what you DO want to see/ happen, not saying ‘no’ or ‘stop that’ to things that you DON’T want happening. It’s super easy with 2 questions: 1 – ‘What are you doing?’ They have to say whatever it is they’re doing and the very act of verbalising that helps them see it’s mostly unhelpful or unreasonable or just plain ridiculous AND they also OWN the behaviour by saying ‘I am’ or ‘I was’. 2 – ‘What should you be doing?’ Then they name what is better action/ behaviour and just start doing it.
It sounds simple but that’s why I reckon it’s effective AND consistent. I remember a 6 foot+ 16 year old pulling a knife on me near a classroom. I used the 2 questions and in an instant he turned from an angry, out-of-control, young man to a reticent, sheepish and wanting-to-be-in-control young man!
Play it out in your head……
Q – ‘What are you doing?’ A – ‘Jumping on the couch’
Q – ‘What should you be doing?’ A – ‘Sitting on the couch’
Maybe the second question with unruly child on the plane could have prompted a (distracting and evolving) convo like ‘I should be…..looking out the window and enjoying the view…. Feeling excited about going on a holiday…. Being courteous to you and the people around me’ There’s lots you can do with THAT part about values 🙂
Goji berry oxidants! *laughing so hard*
I was raised by one very passive parent and one very authoritarian parent and subsequently began to raise my children with the same mix of parenting styles from my own parents (yikes). Luckily my eldest hated being put in time out, being smacked was just awful and he reacted for many years to my old school disciplining. After his 4 years of disastrous parenting, I began to really search for how to do it better and i can proudly say after much research, study and training, my parenting style has changed MASSIVELY! And of course so then has his behavioural problems. Turns out it was not him as many people, doctors, child healthy nurses predicted. Turns out when I regulate myself, connect with him (and my other kids) and learn to emotion coach my children, I actually have very few challenges with my children at all. BUT it takes huge work to believe that connection works better than anything else. I regret every moment I tried to do time outs, time ins, smacks, discipline, threats etc. NONE of that stuff works as they get older and I am completely powerless when I do fall back into old habits. All I can do is change my reactions to my children cry for help (disguised as misbehaviour). I agree parenting is super hard and I’m certainly not ever 100% great at it, but I’m actually starting to enjoy it most of the time and hope to share my successes with other parents through my work one day.