My name is Chantelle, and I haven’t breastfed for a month now.
I write that like it’s a confession. A remorseful confession. And I guess it is.
I had been toying with the idea of giving up breastfeeding for a while. Everyone has their opinion, and most weren’t afraid to share it with me. The voices played off in my head. Give up. No don’t. She doesn’t need it anymore. It’s so good for her. Keep it up.
One day I just woke up and decided that I wasn’t going to breastfeed anymore. The one thing I knew was that I couldn’t stew on the decision. I’d be emotional. I’d cry feeding her for the last time. So, I just didn’t give her that last feed. I didn’t feed again.
I thought it would solve all my problems. I’d have my body back. Lacey would sleep better. She wouldn’t smell my milk anymore, and therefore she wouldn’t wake up at night.
Obviously I’m a parenting genius and should CLEARLY write a book.
I did think that Lacey would be more upset than she was. She probably searched for a feed for the first few days, but after that she didn’t even seem concerned with the whole weaning process. Meanwhile I was in sheer pain and agony. My breasts were engorged. I couldn’t move or lift anything. I didn’t know what to do.
I went to see the local pharmacist. He said that I should express a little off, and then see my doctor for some medication.
I left the chemist and wandered to the fruit shop to grab some supplies. As I left I noticed the pharmacist waiting outside for me. He’d realised that there wasn’t a medication and he’d been confused. He said I should just express a little off, not enough to demand more from my supply. And he wished me luck.
I realised in that moment how odd that was. I was standing in a main street, talking to a young male pharmacist about my breasts. I think I even motioned towards them, explaining how sore they were. I didn’t really even care.
Eventually they stopped being sore. They leaked a LOT though. I never had to use breast pads… but during those few weeks I would leak at any time. It didn’t matter where I was.
So the decision was made. I didn’t back down. Did I make the right decision? I don’t know. I don’t do regrets… but there is a part of me that wishes I didn’t rush so much into my decision. For the month since I weaned Lacey has been sick EVERY day, bar four of them. Every day. Do you know what settles a upset little breastfed bubba? Breastfeeding. Do you know what I couldn’t do? Breastfeed.
There is definitely guilt. Definitely a tinge of sadness. I didn’t know that so many emotions and feelings were attached to breastfeeding. I thought that people gave it up willy nilly and then went and drank twenty bottles of wine and had a night on the town to celebrate their freedom.
Ok. I know that’s not what happens, but I didn’t realise just how attached us Mama’s can get to it all.
In this past week there have been some moments when Lacey, in the midst of sickness and overtiredness, has motioned for a feed. There was even a moment when I sat down with my grizzly girl and started to hold her and prepare to unclip my maternity bra, when I realised that I don’t have any breast milk… and I was wearing an underwire bra. It was such a natural thing to do. Wearing an underwire bra was not so natural. I had to put my training wheels on and get used to that again.
So that’s my weaning story. I felt like the Universe was conspiring against me and my decision by making Lacey sick for this past month. If I knew all this would have happened, I wouldn’t have given up. Actually, my advice to myself would be to give it up slower. I would still like to be feeding her at night to settle her. Just the one night feed.
But at the end of the day (anyone hate that saying? I know there must be at least one out there) my little girl is still happy and somewhat healthy, and I’m happy too. Thinking back that I had such supply issues for the first few months, I actually did well. I should at least give myself a little pat on the back, I guess. xx
Image: Etsy
I too have been too-ing and fro-ing about my decision to wean my 4th baby (she's 15 months now and she's the only one I've breastfed this long)
And honestly I just can't do it. Tried to for about 1 day then went back to the old way the following day (2 sometimes 3 feeds per day).
So I guess I'll just let her lead the weaning *crosses fingers* and hopefully we'll both remain happy about it.
Wish me luck and thanks for the share.
i hear you. i fed zac until 15 months and then i had to wean him and he HATED it. It was sad and made me feel incredibly guilty. Tom I am going to try to start weaning at 12 months. My boobs are huge when I breast feed so I am looking forward to a smaller cup, BUT I don't think I will cope very well with stopping. He is my last baby and I love him and our connection. Oh it makes me want to cry! 🙁
you did well chantelle! I will try your slower approach!
x
I so understand your angst! I gave up all of a sudden after surgery, with no 'last feed' or anything, when my munchkin was 12 months. She was angry at me for about a day (swiping my arms away if I tried to give her a cuddle! Heartbreaking), but I was drugged to the eyeballs and half asleep a lot of the time and my Mum was there to deflect some of the attention from me. It was so hard, and I felt a little 'blue' and anxious for a few days. And munchkin has had 2 colds since, and had never had a cold before.
However, munchkin also went from waking every 2-3 hours, and not going to sleep without a protracted battle involving feeding to sleep every time, to practically sleeping through the night and self-settling immediately.
Of course we can't breastfeed them forever, you have to stop some time, but I agree it would be nice to do it a little more slowly than I did. Thanks for your story! I don't think you should feel bad for Lacey either, because by the sound of it she wasn't too traumatised – and still loves her Mummy to bits!
Chantelle you should be so proud of yourself. I lasted 6 weeks and I still regret giving it up. I think about it everyday.
Breastfeeding I think is still an extension of pregnancy. Sometimes I wonder if its more about us than our babies. So when your milk dries up there is the hormones and emotions that go with the milk too and its no wonder we are all over the place.
You did so well! Pour yourself a lovely glass of champagne x
I felt the same when I had to go back to work. It's definitely a sad time and – perhaps – one that only the mum understands…
Be happy you gave Lacey her best start 🙂
Linda J
I fear the day that I give up breastfeeding – at the moment it doesn't look like it will be anytime soon, Zoe loves the boobies :P. But I know it has to end one day.
way to reclaim the girls… on behalf of the menfolk, i thank you!
“at the end of the day”, it's night. hee hee
sis xo
Even though I'm looking forward to having my body back (not to mention having a sneaky pint without the hassle of expressing and bottle-feeding!), I'm not really looking forward to weaning Baboushka.
I had a few tough weeks at the beginning, but once we got it right I started enjoying breastfeeding, and I still do. I think I'll miss it when the time comes.
Thanks for writing about this, Chantelle – it's always good to have the reassurance of another mum's experiences 🙂
Weaning is bitter sweet. When #1 weaned, I was so sad and hubby said 'you have a beautiful, healthy independent, little girl (she was almost 2!) and you did that. YOU!' Didn't help at the time but it really does help now. I remember that, not the pain of her weaning. You have a happy, healthy independent girl and you did that! Cheers to you Chantelle and Lacey!
Thanks for telling your story. So far the only person who has said anything to me about weaning is my Mother! She had to stop feeding me and my sister (identical twins) when we were 3 months old and she was really upset about it as she had been able to feed our older brother longer. But she was glad that she could feed us at all, as so many women have problems feeding.
You should totally give yourself a pat on the back! I gave myself one when we reached 6 months, as that had been my initial goal, to get to that point. The next goal is 12 months now. Then I will be thinking about weaning.
I know even now that it will be a sad day and that I will miss the closeness. Cohen is still waking up for a feed around 4am and although I haven't had proper/enough sleep either, it is a chance for us to have some quiet time together. You were very strong and very brave. 🙂
Sorry for the rambling!
Elizabeth Saxe Coburg-Gotha is an evil woman, why do we slave away at work our whole lives for money with her face on