I wrote this post the week that I asked for help with Luella’s sleep issues. I was going through my draft folder recently, cleaning it out, and I thought about deleting it… but I think it’s still relevant and important for people to know the reality of sleep deprivation. I actually didn’t realise just how bad it was until I was out of it. It was bad. It affected everything, my relationships, my health, my parenting, my work, my quality of life. Sleep deprivation taints everything! Here’s an insight into what sleep deprivation is like. I wrote this a few months ago.
If you’ve ever done a marathon, you’ll know there’s a lot of preparation that goes into it. There’s all the training and then the night before there’s a bit of carb-loading, no relations in the bedroom {wink, wink}, and a good night’s rest.
But, who am I kidding? I’ve never run a marathon before and I wouldn’t even know what the people do before it. I’m guessing.
What I do know is that I feel like I’m gearing up for a marathon race, except I am none-too-enthusiastic and I just want to run in the other direction and have a lie down.
I’ve hit the all-time low of sleep deprivation.
I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of tears. Not in a depressed way. Just in a OH-MY-GOD-I-JUST-WANT-TO-SLEEP way.
I’ve been meaning to write a whole heap of blog posts here, but sleep deprivation stumps my creativity. And when it does I need to write about it, get over it and then get on with life.
I want to tell you about the other night. I want to tell you about when I’d just spent {what felt like} forever putting Luella to sleep, only to be woken by a nightmare-victim Lacey. And then I want to tell you about when I just got the two of them back to sleep, and a mouse started gnawing at the inside of my bedroom wall. But I won’t, because the details of sleep deprivation, while vitally important to the survivor, are particularly boring to anyone else.
I also want to tell you about last night, when I gave up the bedtime battle and headed to the lounge room and watched Yo Gabba Gabba for an hour and then handed over the baby to Hubby to cuddle while I got just 20 minutes sleep. But I won’t. I won’t bore you with the details.
That gearing up for a marathon-type-business, is knowing that I have to do this night after night… and therefore again tonight. Hubby is on night shift, which means I do it solo. And yes, I know I’m not the first, and I won’t be the last. I know that. For the most part I don’t think about sleep deprivation. I don’t think about how tired I am, or how crap I feel and look. I just get on with it.
But lately, I can’t help but think about how helpless it all feels. How I’m the common denominator of two babies who didn’t sleep… and how I kinda failed them both, and me too. And I kinda think, I don’t know if I could ever do this again with another baby. I remember why I kept such an age gap between Lacey and Luella.
Sleep deprivation is real. And the nights are long. And lonely.
People tell me that sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture in some countries. I’m telling you that the country is Australia and the place is my house. It’s happening.
Sleep deprivation makes you tired {der!} but here’s what else it does:
Robs you of the ability to finish sentences without pausing midway to remember what on earth you were talking about.
Makes you feel like you’ve got a hangover, minus the fun and table-top dancing often experienced the night before.
Steals your coping mechanism and hides it somewhere really hard to find.
Makes you not a very fun wife or mum, except when you hit that stage of deliriousness. I think that’s kinda funny.
Makes everyday tasks seem insurmountable {I’m sorry, but I’m giving myself a high-five for using a big word on such little sleep. Yep!}. Like putting the cover on the doona. I’ve been meaning to do it for 3 days but I just gave up. Classy.
Jokes aside, sleep deprivation is the pits. It’s time to do something about it. I’m thinking it’s going to be a trip to Sydney for sleep school. Because unlike a marathon when you can see the finish line and you can urge yourself to run that 100m more… there is no finish line. It’s just a gamble on whether there will actually be sleep, or just a torturous night of bedtime battles and extreme tiredness.
And if you’re reading this and yawning, ‘Not another sleeplessness post’, I’m sorry. But if you’re reading this and saying ‘Oh gosh, I’m so tired too’, I offer you my support. Please know that in the middle of the night when it feel hopeless and exhausting, somebody somewhere is going through the same thing. That when you look at the other houses in the street and there are no lights on and you know everyone is sleeping peacefully… my light is on, and I’m not sleeping. You are not alone.
photo credit: just.Luc
Thanks for posting this, last night I moved Olivia into her own room for the first time (22 months old). She has gone 3 nights without needing boob to fall asleep but is still waking every 2-3 hours asking for it overnight. Last night she woke asking for it and I rubbed her back until she fell asleep. If I can get her to do that just one waking at a time, i’ll be happy. It might take awhile going that slow (as opposed to refusing all boob starting now) but it’s a start. I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired. It’s not safe to drive. I can’t function. I’m over it xx
By the way I am so happy for you to have changed it all around. Does Luella seem different? I only ask because I wonder how Olivia would be if she slept better… would she be happier, more energetic etc.
She’s like a different baby. I wish I did it with Lacey, because having a happy, well-rested baby is such a different parenting experience. I feel like I robbed Lacey from some of that contentment and that makes me sad.
We went backwards with Luella for a while, and I started feeding her throughout the night because she had been sick for two weeks and I had to do what I could to comfort here through the night.
I thought she’d loved the feeding through the night {and of course it is what she needed to get better} but she was miserable during the day. So I made a few changes {with help from my Sleep Lady} and she was back sleeping again through the night. She’s so much happier in the day.
Good on you. I hope she slept OK last night. It’s so freaking hard. 🙁
I’m dying.
I wish there was something I could do. 🙁
Great post! Wow yes we have all been there. Love it, thanks for sharing.
I am gearing myself up for this as a I approach the birth of my second baby and will ring in the year of two under two…
I’m with you.. I’m SO tired… I was hoping by now we would slepp but we don’t. I don’t. 🙁 someday again soon
If I get more than 5 hours of sleep in a ROW, it’s a fugging miracle! However, as an insomniac, before kids, I’m kind of used to it, but it has meant I have a very bad memory because if you don’t get long chunks of sleep your brain can’t put all your activities into the memory vault as well, true story… xxx
I get insomnia during pregnancy, and I am so grateful when I give birth because I sleep more easily again {but then babies but a stop to that quick smart!}.
I can’t imagine what it’s like for you. You’re doing so well!
My kids are much older but there are still days where I juggle paid work, sport, housework, our hobby business, and life in general and I just hit the wall and want to fall in a sobbing heap, but somehow I drag myself through and face the world with a smile. It isn’t that bad in the long run x
I did the same. Felt OK, smiled and got on with things.
I feel so much better now though, with sleep under my belt.
My son will be one in a few short weeks time, and I haven’t had more than 6 hours sleep in a night since his birth (average is 4). I’m also a full time uni student, studying midwifery, so I am on call during my clinical placements when pregnant mamas go into labour.
I am struggling. Big time. It takes everything you’ve got just to put clothes on in the morning, or change that dirty nappy, again. My fiance helps out most nights, but we both still dont sleep. We cry together over the sleeplessness, we yell and we fight. It’s hard work, and its something that isolates you, and you do feel so alone. People keep telling me it will get easier, but after 12 months, its hard to hear that, from a mum with a perfectly sleeping baby from 5 weeks. It’s good to know that I’m NOT alone, that I’m not doing these hard yards by myself. I know, deep down, that in 5, 10, 15 years time, I won’t remember these horrible days, and that my amazing little boy, pre-teen, young man will make every waking hour worth it.
Oh, I want to take your sweet boy for a play date and let you sleep. You’ve got so much on your plate. You’re not alone, and I’m giving you a hug and a high-five for getting through it. xx
Sleep deprivation IS lonely! And boring! And makes you hungry! And just when you think you’ve got your baby down she cries again. I feel you, sister. As you were writing about your dark nights I too was experiencing them. And still do some nights.
So while you were lonely, you were indeed not alone.
Glad its all going much better for the three of you.
Sunny xx
Yes to everything, especially the hungry. Man, you’ve just got to eat to fuel yourself for the day. So bad.
xx
I am right there !!! My 3 yo has been driving me nuts with her mid-night parties!! I can’t take it anymore.Put her to bed at 8:30 pm tonight..has already woken up once,I rubbed her back to help her sleep..Fingers and toes crossed,she sleeps through the night.
How did it go last night Trish?
I have no baby, but I cried when I got to the end of this post. Because of stress I could not sleep, despite sleeping pills, from December last year to June this year. Although I’ve been sleeping well for two months now, I still forget the names of all people I meet and the places I’m at, and every time someone is late home or doesn’t answer their phone I panic and am sure that they are dead. But I’m on the mend and I hope you are too. I’m so glad you took your problem seriously and got help for you and the kids! Sleep deprivation is not OK for anyone. All my love, from Julia in Sweden.
Oh you poor thing. 🙁 I’m so glad you’re getting sleep. x
Thank you for that comfort. Im in the thick of that sleep deprived marathon and it sure can be lonely. It’s been going on for 14 months! The baby is now 14 months and still cries and cries and asks for feeds just as frequent as he did a newborn. He shows no interest in weaning. I’m scared because as you mentioned there is no finish line. On and on and on it goes. I don’t want to be stuck in just survival mode anymore….. GAHHHH!
Honestly, asking for help was the best thing I ever did. Yes, it cost me money… but I would pay that money again in a heartbeat because getting sleep changes everything.
I know you don’t want to hear that when you’re in the marathon – but please know it can and does get better. < Oh god, I would have slapped someone that said that to me. Bloody happy sleeping person! Luella fed ALL THE TIME. ALL DAY LONG. ALL NIGHT LONG. I was like a feeding machine. Separating her feeds {which I did when I fixed her sleep} has been so good. I feed her 4 times a day: when she wakes in the morning, when she wakes after her morning sleep, again after her afternoon sleep and then before bed. It means she's getting a more quality feed instead of snacking. It also means I'm not getting my boobs out all the time. Lacey was like your bub is at 14 months, and I just decided I couldn't handle it anymore. I stopped feeding her. I probably wrote about it back then. And the baby who wouldn't take a dummy since birth, took one. She stopped sucking on me and took a dummy. She still didn't sleep but it meant I got my body back. Anyways, I hear you. I wish I could come and share a cup of tea and a piece of cake and hold that sweet baby {well, toddler now}. xxx
I am constantly on the verge of tears purely from lack of sleep. Sunday was not a great day, today was slightly better. I know they’ll sleep one day, I know that for sure, but in the meantime I’m losing my mind 🙂
Oh I hear you Reannon! I hope last night was slightly better than the days before. x
Last night only one baby woke once. That’s the best it’s been & even though one good night doesn’t cancel out 15 months of broken sleep it sure does help x
My little boy is 14 months and up until a month ago he was waking every. two. hours. From day one! And he would absolutely refuse to sleep during the day. If I got 30 mins out of him at a time it would be a lot! I started sleep training (or rather night weaning) him the week before you started with Luella. By day ten I had had about two or three nights of 6 consecutive hours of sleep. Yay! And then suddenly it all went down hill. I think he started teething because in the past month or so we have seen the appearance of about 4 new teeth. So we were back at scratch. Last month we visited my sister-in-law and while there tried weaning him again with much success. To keep a loooong story short last week we got to the point of getting him to sleep in his bed, he’s been taking hour-long day naps and I feel like a different person. We’ve hit another snag in that he also got sick with a throat and ear infection last week so I’m bushed from being up every night from that, but the last two nights he’s been back to fairly the same rhytm as before. Yay! Hopefully now we can work towards getting the full 11-12 hours at night!
I hope it happens soon. It’s a wild ride, isn’t it? {And not a very fun wild ride at that}. xx
I have a pretty good sleeper at 19mo I haven’t had too much trouble (that I didn’t cause myself) but even I know how draining it can be getting up to a little person in the night.
I’m pregnant with number 2 and atm that is my greatest concern. Coping on little to no sleep with a 21mo toddler to entertain during the day.
When my first was born I heeded all advice and slept when the baby slept. This time it won’t be an option.
I pray to god I will cope.
Like you Chantelle my hubby is not an option. With an important job as a construction supervisor and working 12-14 hrs a day I just can’t ask him to get up to a baby.
But maybe I’ll ask him to get up to the toddler.
Yep, I’m experiencing this but I have a smaller gap between my kids and a newborn so I’m hoping it will get better soon. It usually does get better. Thankfully I have a husband who doesn’t do night shifts. I totally get the tears and emotion due to lack of sleep, but then we’re still expected to run a household. So glad to know Luella is sleeping better now.
I love this post!
Oh Chantelle I’m so sorry you were dealing with this. Sleep deprivation really IS torturous! I have had sleep issues since birth. I have insomnia, and sleep apnea, so even when I do get some precious sleep it is very poor quality sleep. I am utter exhausted all the time, but that doesn’t matter, I still don’t sleep. You’re absolutely right, sleep deprivation plays a role in every single part of your life, your health of course is the major one.
You are also right when you say the night is long and lonely!
I don’t know what it is like to wake up refreshed, I don’t know what it is like to just go to sleep when you want to and I don’t know what not tired feels like.
I am so pleased you seem to be coming out of that phase. I hope your sweet girl’s bodies learn to love sleep and that they grow out of this sleepless phase.
I wouldn’t wish a life of sleep deprivation on anyone!
Thank you for sharing some of the realities of this horrible state of being!
Yes!!! Everything you said! How was your experience with sleep training though? We are in the midst of it and many many times a day I come close to deciding the sleep deprivation was a lesser challenge.
When your coping mechanism goes, THAT is the pits. No one could ever understand sleep deprivation like a mother, or father, whichever the case may be.