Yesterday I took Lulu to the park and we took a stroll along the path. She stopped to pick up every stick in her path, and placed in to the pram. Every single stick. I don’t think she missed one. People walking by oohed at how cute she was, and inside my ovaries were nearly exploding. She’s just the cutest thing.
As we headed back to the park to play on the slide, Lulu spotted her shadow. I watched as she noticed it, and then slowly tried to move away from it. She stepped on way, looked around, stepped another, and couldn’t shake the shadow.
I love a lot of things about parenting, but watching kids explore and discover things for the first time is one of my favourites. Can you imagine seeing the world for the first time? Eating ice cream for the first time? Smelling flowers? Hearing the noise of an elephant? There are so many beautiful firsts to be had in our lifetimes.
Lulu looked at me, and showed me her shadow. Without words I assumed she’d made friends with it, and then she found some more sticks and went on her way. At the same time when my heart swells with joy at my girls experiencing those firsts, there’s a deep sadness because I know they’re my lasts.
Lulu will most likely be my last baby, so all these firsts… it’s the last time I’ll be experiencing them with my own children. I can’t even begin to explain how much this tugs at my heart strings. My heart aches. I love these early years. Yes, the days are often long, but the years are so short.
I find myself, in those moments, trying to hold onto them for as long as I can. Some might be thinking, ‘she found her shadow so what?’ but I look at her and see the way she looks at the world, and how she has her whole life ahead of her.
I’m just not good at letting these baby years go. I’m just not.
You are so right, as hard as these years are, they are so precious. All those people were right when they said the early years fly by. My youngest is about to turn 4 and I’m starting to mourn the early childhood/toddler years and those first and ‘lasts’. Xx
There should be a book about it, to help us through, OR something. It’s so much harder than I thought it would be.
I love the line ” the days are often long, but the years short” So very true. Oh, how I miss seeing all the wonder of the world through a child’s eyes. Having adult children is a whole different kind of wonderful, but nothing can replace those early, baby, toddler years❤️
I read this comment the other day and immediately cried. Nothing can replace them, and that’s what aches me. x
I can really relate to these words xx
5 year old came into bed with me last night it was cold, he picked up my arm and murmured not even really awake ‘snug me up mummy’ i pulled him into my arms and nestled my nose into his hair, just like when he was a baby, and it hit me in those lonely, contemplative hours of 3 am that the days of being able to wrap him in my ever tightening arms is rapidly coming to and end . . . soon he will not seek me out, soon I will not be his safe. warm and happy place. So i breathed him in and didn’t want to go back to sleep, because I didn’t want to stop. Make me sad, but also makes me happy because i made him, and he is amazing!
Oh thanks for the tears! This was me 2 nights ago (with Mr 7 so you have at least a couple of years left ☺).
Oh Chantelle, I think my ovaries just exploded in sympathy! So very gorgeous indeed. x
Oh I feel exactly the same way! Our littlest man turns two at the end of this month and as much as we long for another little bub, I just don’t think it’s going to happen for us. Big hugs x
Oh, that made my eyes leak!
Oh I am the same.
My (likely) last baby is five months old! She is rolling and nearly crawling and while I rejoice in her growth, I also mourn it because she will never be this little again. I know it sounds so obvious. I really wish I could hit pause…or somehow really capture how she looks at me and how she feels in my arms.
The upside is my four year old is just a gorgeous boy and I am loving the firsts associated with the little boy stage so I know there are still good things to come!
In complete sympathy Chantelle! ! We are at the stage where I really do need to let go and let Miss 6 explore and develop her self confidence. Every time she does something daring or new my heart is in my mouth. Latest escapades are climbing trees and bmx stunts thanks to her 11yo stepbrother lol
I often joked about giving my kids an injection when they were little so that they would always be the same sweet and loving kiddoes. Now they are teenagers I do miss the days when I was their world. But then I see the lovely young people they are becoming and I am so thankful to be on this journey with them.
My boys are now three and almost seven Chantelle. We have left many of the baby things behind us already and I grieve in advance for some of the things that I know we will lose in the coming years as they grow. But do you know what I have discovered? There are so many new and wondrous things still in our future. They are not baby things but every day is a new adventure for every one of us and being able to share those discoveries with your kids is a joy that we will have for every day that we have as parents. When I get sad for things that have passed I just refocus on the things that are happening today and the fun things that are still to come. x
I recall this sadness. So I went and got pregnant with baby no 3, so I’m awaiting to experience it all again. And all the other things. Less glamorous and heart warming things.
That’s what I did too! Three is a magic number.
I am now in the blessed years of my life where I get to do it all again with nine grandchildren, ranging in age from 1 – 9. And I get to do it with more patience and time than I had with my own four. It all goes so very quickly, so enjoy as much of it as you can, even the hard bits. I am now seeing my grown up kids as capable, loving parents and that also brings great joy, knowing they are raising a new generation with love and a sense of wonder. And they all still need a big hug from their Mum every now and then. 😀
Precisely the reason I’m pregnant again! I can’t accept that this one will be my last either….I wonder if I’ll ever be ready to say ‘this is my last baby’.
Oh I totally get that. My baby is about to turn 3 and she’s loosing all her ‘babyness’ – it’s heartbreaking
Enjoy it while yo can Chantelle, my boys are turning 15 and 12 and I wonder where the years went to! I worked full-time and didn’t get to spend enough time with them, my husband was/is a SAHD and some days I feel bitter that I missed out on those special times.
Oh I totally can relate. I feel the same all the firsts so precious. I wish I could take them in as much as I did with my first daughter. But at the same time I now get to see all those firsts as Lola a Salome build their relationship. It’s the best so precious I hang onto everyone of those moments… I hope those memories will never fade. Xxx
Oh Channelled how you speak my language! I have 2 girls too, 4 and 21 months and I am having these moments too! Most likely done with two but the beautiful times make it so hard to let go!
You are so right to cherish these moments hun, I look at my sons, one is 23 the other 16 and wonder where did that time go! One minute they are children, the next full grown adults!
Lulu is similar in age to my own little girl, who will be two in August. And yes, I’m not ready for her to be nearly two. She is also my last, so many of her firsts are bittersweet to me also. I’m saddened by the fact she is incredibly independent, it means she doesn’t need me so much, at a time I wish I could snuggle close forever to the baby she was. But I’m looking forward to life after baby hood, I’ve been looking after babies for the past 12 years! I’m excited for the future also
Just yesterday I mentioned to my youngest’s teacher that I was starting to feel sad and mourn the “little girl” years. My little one is 7, rapidly approaching 8, and I’ve just realised that this is it, the end of me being the mother of a little girl. By the end of this year I will be mothering a teen and a tween. I’m squeezing every last little girl moment for all it’s worth. 🙂
I totally get it, sometimes I just want to hit the pause button
I can relate to this. My baby is 19 months and you would think because he is our 4th I might be ready to move on….
Beautiful words Chantelle. The sort of writing that got me hooked on your blog 7 or 8 years ago! She is so very cute and seeing the wonder is amazing.
tears.. god dang you are such a beautiful human xx
Aww…this makes me so sad. My (very probably last) baby is 18months now and is moving very quickly out of the baby bracket. She walks, she’s learning to talk and she’ll soon be moving into her big girl bed. I keep looking at her and wishing I could freeze her in time for a little while so I get to keep my baby. It’s days like this that you can understand why people have more and more children.
lovely post… I was often sadend by the firsts I will never have again… but there is a llife time of firsts to watch them enjoy…. that makes my heart happy.
Gosh I loVe your posts!! There will be so many firsts and more mental to experience don’t dwell on the lasts.. One day you might get to experience them again as a grandparent!!! I absolutely love watching my baby girl learn and figure things out , my heart swells when she clicks her tongue or touches my face.. Every tiny thing they do is so special I think finding your shadow is beautiful… Your a wonderful mummy x
I can completely relate to this at the moment. I know my baby will be (most likely) my last and everything, EVERYTHING, is making my heart ache at the moment.
Oh she is just adorable!
Reading this post and all the comments is making me well up! Damn pregnancy hormones!!
I’m on the other side of it right now, looking forward to all the firsts for the very first time. It’s exciting, but I know I will very quickly be where you are now so it’s a good reminder to soak up every last bit of it I can!
I know the feeling. I treasure every day! I am not sure if this baby will be my last… it’s a strange thing to imagine, as I always hoped for a big family. But regardless, treasure every moment!
I feel the same way with my little Tia. Can’t they be babies just a bit longer?
As my boys are now 17&20 it’s been years since those ovary exploding days…and I have moments when I yearn for them. With both boys shaving and driving I wonder how they got there…what happened to making cubbies and toasting marshmallows and postman pat? These days there’s still lots of firsts but they come at me before I’m ready…I miss play dough and bottles…I do x
Right now I’m going through the last of the firsts with my 3yo and he’s growing too quickly so I can relate to this. I hope you had a happy Mother’s Day yesterday x
Those firsts are amazing. In a way, we get to experience the magic of discovery all over again. I totally feel you on the lasts too – I’m 35 weeks pregnant with my second (and last) child and every kick is bittersweet as I know in a few short weeks that’ll be it & i’ll never experience it again.
Ah yes, watching them grow is filled with so many 1st and so much joy but do not despair because trust me – the 1st never, ever end!
My babies are 38 & 28 now and I still savor the occasional sweetness of a happy tear watching them explore life. When they left on their 1st date, shared with me the joys of their 1st kiss, left for college and fell in love for the 1st time and even when I watched them ache with their 1st ‘true’ broken hearts.
But wait – there’s more, graduation, their 1st long, solo walk into adulthood, the 1st time behind the wheel of a car, their 1st trip overseas without Mom & Dad, the 1st ‘I Do’ and the sweetest moment of all – the 1st time you see your baby holding their 1st baby.
So don’t worry ladies. Life with children has a way of catching you off guard & surprising you again and again and again.
Just pay attention and be sure not to miss a single moment of it!
I can relate completely my last in baby almost eight years old and my eldest is almost 19. It does feel hard but for what you say goodbye to you also meet head on with other new firsts (teenage years) and there are a lot of firsts. First boyfriend, first kiss, first love etc
I’m feeling similar feelings with Phoebe. I’m treasuring each moment because I know she is my last and I won’t experience them again with another baby. There are lots of moments to look forward to though.
I can completely relate to this. Having had severe PND with my first daughter, I feel like my second daughter has been my saviour, a salve for all of my wounds. But it is SO bittersweet because after two horrendous pregnancies, IVF and PND she is most probably our last, and I just want to keep her little forever. I wish I had a pause button for life, so I could enjoy her just as she is for ever. Sadly, we have no pause button. If you find a way to ease the sadness, please let me know!