The grey area

baby-doll

Parenting isn’t black and white.

It feels like we allow it to be sometimes. We let topics divide us. Co-sleeping. Formula. Breastfeeding. Controlled crying. Baby-wearing. Baby-led weaning. Stay at home. Go to work. And so on, and so forth.

Sometimes I let my children sleep with me. I’ve used formula. I have let my kids cry. I wear my children when it works. I let them explore food at their leisure. I stay at home, and I work. And I still breastfeed.

Yep, my daughter is old enough to walk, talk, have a full mouth of teeth {ouch} and ask for a feed when she wants it.

I’m not trying to make a statement. It’s not something I set out to intentionally do. It feels like just yesterday that my daughter was a newborn and I was struggling to produce milk, and here I am and she’s 18 months and I forgot to stop feeding her. I’m kinda embarrassed actually, in a proud {wow, my body did it} reluctant {oh, I wouldn’t mind having my body back to myself now please} way.

I saw an article the other day where a celebrity mother was spotted out feeding her toddler in public. And I read the comments.

Oh yes, I READ the comments. We all know the first rule of online is to not read the comments, but I did.

And immediately I felt guilty, guilty for still feeding my daughter.

But let’s not make this a post about my breasts, because nobody needs to read that.

Parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and continue to do. It’s exhausting, constant {oh-so-constant}, demanding, and quite the wild ride.

Parenting has and continues to throw hurdles my way, that I didn’t expect. From the moment they’re born we have to make decisions. It’s not black and white. If you choose to breastfeed, it’s not like you’re standing on one side with your ‘tits’ out trying to make a statement. Some will, and thank you for standing up for us. But the majority are just trying to do our best to feed our small babies. Others have had difficulty in doing so, or have decided it’s not for them, and that’s that. We’re all going to parent differently. I pick a few things from column A, and a few from column B, and then often I’ll take a chance on column C. There’s no one way to parent.

What I’m trying to say is, that we’re all different, we’ll all make different decisions in parenting. We’re all doing the best we can. But there is one thing we can do. We can choose to behave in a way that either unites us or divides us. I don’t care how you feed your baby, as long as you’re happy and your baby is thriving. I don’t care if you wear your baby, or put him in a pram. I don’t care if you let him sleep in a cot, or snuggle up beside you. I trust that you’re making the best decisions for your family, and hope that you’ll respect that I’m doing the best I can with my own.

Parenting isn’t all black and white. It’s a lot of grey matter. That’s where I stand {in the grey where I do whatever I need to do to get through the days/weeks/months}, giving you a knowing smile to let you know that we’re all in this together.

 

Image source: BigStockPhoto

 

38 thoughts on “The grey area”

  1. So true Chantelle, no one has right to comment over the type of parent you choose to be until you and your baby are happy… I really feel annoyed when people try to give unwanted parenting advice or comment on how I am doing it wrong..

    • I think when we feel vulnerable {for me it’s those early days, I love newborns but I’m just not good at figuring them out}, we get more of that unwanted parenting advice, and we take it on board more than we should.

      No one really has the right to pass judgements, or at least they shouldn’t. Unless a baby is in danger or in harms way… then we should probably mind our own business.

  2. As someone who isn’t a parent (yet), the last thing I would ever do is cast judgement on another parent. Who am I to talk? And when/if I’m lucky enough to be a parent, I’d hope that I would have many knowing looks from gorgeous parents such as yourself Chantelle. I can see from the outside it’s the toughest gig going but also the most rewarding one. You are all superheroes to me. x

  3. Hello Ch., I am a mom of a second child and I still breastfeed. She is 18 months old as well… she asks for it and I have no problem to give. It is our thing and I cant say no to her and see her cry only because someone else see it another way. But I can identify with your feelings, sometimes I get there too. But other people are not important to me. She is. :))
    And! I was breastfeeding my first child (a boy) until he went to nursery school (till his 3).
    You know, if breastfeeding my child is a bad thing no matter the age, this world is f*****up! 😀

  4. I’m not a parent but even if I was I wouldn’t be judging others. Who cares what you feed your baby or how s/he sleeps? I certainly don’t. As long as s/he is happy and healthy, that’s what counts. Mums are real life superheroes doing one of the hardest jobs in the world – high fives mummas! Celebrate yourselves!

  5. It’s all grey with parenting because every child is different, every journey is different and every parent is different. Two kids now for me and both very different feeding paths. Why do we become so nasty and cast judgment willy nilly. Can’t believe I just typed willy nilly! Twice.

    • Ha ha ha! Willy Nilly! Yep. Even being parenting by the same parents, kids end up different. This was a completely different {and in some ways similar} feeding/parenting journey for my girls. But they’re both happy, healthy little beings.

  6. It’s so refreshing to read this. I get fed up of reading judgmental posts from mothers (or fathers) who believe that their way of doing “parenting” is the best way (or the only way). At the end of the day being a parent is stupidly hard, you make tons of mistakes and, if you’re anything like me, you have no real plan but just do whatever if takes so you (and your babies) survive. So if you’re a mummy, or a daddy, who is doing whatever works for them to raise healthy, happy babies then good for you.

  7. Yay go you 🙂 Love this post. I bf my first til she was about 2 (maybe 2 1/2) and OMG did I just want my boobs back lol This time round maybe not as long.
    We gotta do what is right for us and our families, stuff what everyone else thinks 😉 (said with the experience of one child behind me now LOL)

    • My hopes were to get to 6 weeks, and it honestly looked like I was going to get there. And then I wanted to get to 3 months, then 6 months and I was going to be happy if I got to a year. But then time flew by, and here I am.

      There are times when I just want my body to myself, and then other times were I cherish that time together. I think because she’s most likely my last baby, I don’t want to let go just yet.

  8. Can I just say that I love this post!! I love how positive you are!
    And You are right !! In my 9 years as a parent I started as one of the judgmental ones but now I understand that what works for some it may not work for others… and we should help and support each other not bring us down…. life is hard enough as it is smile a little fellow parents 🙂

  9. Great post Chantelle. Well said.
    I cringe when I see a post or article online that immediately divides parents. It brings out the worst in everyone. I always bite my tongue and not get involved because at the end of the day, as long as my kids are happy and healthy and my family is thriving – that is all I need to have an opinion on. Everyone else’s choices {although may be different to mine} I will not question. I hate the way Mothers attack each other.
    I always feel like you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t when it comes to being a Mum. Thank goodness for women like you, who support and smile and share 🙂
    Mwah xx

  10. When I was pregnant with number one (20 years ago) a lady who knew more than me gave me sage advice…”always remember baby came to live with you”. It’s served us well as we went through the years not feeling like we had put life on hold to parent instead letting the little ones fit into our ways too. Happy mum happy baby (mostly). I listen to the ‘advice’, most is filtered but sometimes at 2am a gem I might have poo pood actually worked. It’s nobody’s business, if you are caring and loving and not harming then raise that baby that you made however you like. Love ya Chantelle x

  11. With a 6 week old I’m pretty new to the whole parenting thing. There were things I thought I’d never do like use formula or a dummy but when my nipples were bleeding and I was beside myself in pain and in tears it was the best thing I ever did for both of us. My nipples healed and I can bf again but the worst judgement came from myself. Then I realized it doesn’t have to be all or nothing and that’s the approach I’ve taken with everything and we are both thriving because of it. I don’t care what anyone thinks of how we do things all 3 of us are happy and that’s all that matters to me.

  12. Yes! I’ve been reading too many ‘comments’ lately and the nastiness gets me so down. Why so much awful judgement when we could build each other up with support and kindness?

  13. Love this! People are ao quick to judge others and it’s the worst. My daughter still had her bedtime feed til around 22 months. Totally unintentional but the midwives I’m seeing for my current pregnancy make me feel like a super hero whereas my GP told me to stop that quick smart, as it’s doing nothing good for nobody. Yep, that pissed me off. We also co-sleep. Again, didn’t mean to but it works for us. Parent however feels right and makes your child thrive!

  14. Very well written. Parenting is the hardest job in the entire world . Do what makes your kids and family happy I believe is the best advice.

  15. im not sure why you feel guilty for “still” breastfeeding? What does “still” even mean?! Even the WHO recommends at LEAST til the age of 2 so please don’t ever feel guilty! Like you said, feel PROUD 🙂
    Woman need to form a tribe, a support network. Because I doube there’s even one mother out there who can honestly say parenting was/is a piece of cake. In other countries the support a woman has from other women and mothers in her village is their everything. I wish we had it here. Media is a huge part to blame.

    • When I read how horrible the comments were, I got pangs of guilt like it was wrong.

      By ‘still’ I mean that I thought I’d only get to six weeks {low milk supply} and was going to be stoked to get to 12 months, and yet here I still am. 🙂

  16. Hello Chantelle…. I like what you say in this post….. and I agree with you.
    Whatever is comfortable for you and your child… that’s the way to go. Everyone is different and what works for one may not work for another. There is no set ‘Age’ to do things by….Thank Goodness…. Enjoy your special time feeding your bubby… Hugs… Barb xxx

  17. It’s so easy to be judgemental pre-kids. Not even intentionally though, I’m sure I would’ve seen kids crying in the shopping centre and thought to myself ‘just make your kid stop.’

    Now that I am that mum, I know, it’s actually impossible to make it stop. Sorry to anyone who I ever accidentally judged, I was dumb and naive. I have well and truly been taught a lesson. Never judge. haha x

  18. I wish more people would realise this or at least stop to remember it before rolling their eyes and casting judgement. I was judged by many other mums while bottle feeding my baby in a parents room when she was younger. Of course they didn’t know that she was forced onto a prescription formula due to multiple food allergies which caused her to stop breathing, but it didn’t stop them from rolling their eyes or whispering under their breath.

    I say do what you can to get through the day and keep your babies healthy and happy. Because if you can do that you’re pretty bloody awesome.

  19. So true! I miss breastfeeding! I breastfed my last up until he was two. I don’t regret it at all. Yeah some people had a problem with it but I was happy and so was he. We all love our kids and that’s all that matters! 🙂

  20. Thanks for posting this Chantelle. I have a 4 month old who’s been a bit slow on the whole growing things. My GP (you know, someone that has seen, weighed and measured my baby) suggested that I have a go at supplementing – it has been a long saga and I’ve been trying everything to up my milk supply.

    After mentally getting over not EBFing my baby, I tried supplementing but she refused the bottle so I *stupidly* asked a FB forum for advice on how to get my baby to take a bottle. What I received instead was a whole slew of ‘breast is best’ comments (not answering my question) and how to ignore my GP. I found this so insensitive. These women have never seen my baby and do not consider that yes, I also believe breast is best, but I am struggling to feed her and in actual fact, whatever that helps my baby grows is best. After already putting myself through the wringer about offering my bub formula before my 6 month target, they sent me through it again.

    There is definitely not one way of doing things, and I think mother’s need to bear in mind that all every other mother is trying to do is do the best for their baby and family. No one wants judgement – ever – and unfortunately how much judging is out there in mumma-land can really put people off asking for real advice and getting real help with learning to be a mum.

    • Oh Sarah. That’s super tough going. I remember with Lacey the doctors saying that she was ‘failing to thrive’ and I died a bit inside. I just wanted to breastfeed, but most of all I just wanted her to THRIVE.

      In those early months for both my girls I did everything I could to up my supply {has your doctor prescribed Motillium?}, but my girls just need some formula to fill them a bit more.

      I kept trying different teats, got them to feed from a cup or even a syringe.

      I don’t know where you’re at now, but I’m here cheering you along. I’ve been where you are, and if we could just breastfeed exclusively… we would, right? So why the hard time?

      And just think in two months she’ll be onto solids, or starting to explore them so she’ll most likely thrive even more then.

      I’m not doctor but I’d just keep trying {as frustrating as it is} and if you can see a lactation consultant, that’s a big help. I saw one EVERY DAY in the first 6 weeks. She ended being like a friend who just wanted me to be happy with it.

      Feel free to email me if I’m asking too personal questions, or to ignore me too. xxx

      • Thanks for your sweet reply Chantelle. It’s actually got a lot better in the past few days – I think opening up to the odd bottle of formula when she doesn’t want to breastfeed or there is not enough in the tank has taken off some pressure which in return has probably boosted my milk! It really is amazing when you realise that formula is NOT the devil and you will still have the same child after you feed them it – probably even a bit fuller. I’m also in the swing of a wonder week/4 month sleep regression/baby just hungry in the night which I think has boosted the old milk as well…. at least there is something I can thank 11pm, 1am, 3am, 5am and 6am on Saturday for!!

        We’re back to the doc next week and I am hoping to see a big gain, either that or I have lost arm muscle 🙂 If not, I’m going to ask for the tablets which I only found out existed 2 days ago…now THAT would have been helpful advice from the breast is best police.

        I think your advice is the kind of advice all mothers should give – i.e. here are a bunch of options, this is what worked for me, go ahead try it all out and find your way!

        Thanks again xx

  21. Isn’t it funny how there is an expectation that all children are alike? I have twins. We do whatever we need to do to survive! I’m lucky to be surrounded by a group of mums who dont judge and have some cracking ideas – the rest I just ignore. My kids are happy and I am too. More of that everywhere please!

  22. There are so many grey areas in my parenting it’s like a really awesome Ansel Adams landscape! Unless they’re abusing their child I really don’t care how anyone else raises their kids. As you say, we just do the best we can with the best we’ve got. Great post Chantelle x

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