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The Dating Game

Fat Mum Slim /

I saw him on the dance floor, and I just knew. He was 60-something, and had an energy about him. He was happy, confident and carefree. I liked him. I just knew. My girlfriend and I searched for a wedding ring. Was he? Did he? He kept moving, dancing, and it was hard to see. Eventually we saw no glisten of gold and silver. An empty finger.

“Wouldn’t he be perfect?” I mentioned to my friend, Rebel.

“I could imagine him with your family,” she enthused back.

I’ve never really dated before. Well, I think I dated in my late teens and early twenties but I didn’t know I was dating. Looking back, I was so naive. I thought guys liked me as their mate and invited me out to dinner/movies/show with them to hang out. So I did. We’d laugh and have the best time, and then it dawned on me that it was a date when they’d lean in for a kiss at the end of the night. I really was the worst date. I had no idea.

Then I met Hubby, and just knew he was the one. We barely dated though. He chased me for one night, and then we spent our nights hanging out and watching footy on the TV, eating takeaway. I didn’t really have any rules for dating, I just liked him so much and didn’t want to mess it up… so I never initiated text chats or things because I didn’t want to screw things up {gosh, such an empowering woman am I!}.

So at that party last Saturday, I was indeed awkward. It was a party for people from the gym. Hubby assured me before I left that gym parties were weird, because it’s all types of people together who probably wouldn’t hang out. And when the common thread is working out, is there anything to talk about? Do you sit around and eat carrot sticks? Or maybe compare six-packs, or lack thereof? We were ready to leave the party, and I hadn’t yet made my move. “I don’t think I can leave without asking him out for my mum,” I said nervously. I saw him exit the dance floor for a breather and I made my way over, Rebel following closely. She tried to look busy, while I hit him up.

“How long have you been at the gym for?” I asked, making sure I didn’t awkwardly grab his biceps in the process, because I’m super awkward. SO AWKWARD. I also detest small talk, so once he answered my standard gym question, I went in for the kill.

“Are you single?” I asked.

“Yes, I am,” Mike replied {we were wearing name tags}.

I then quickly realised he probably thought I was asking for me, and I couldn’t fill that silence quicker, “I’m asking for my mum.”

I then gave him a super fast spiel on my mum. She’s beautiful, still young, hasn’t really dated, and is super sweet.

And although I haven’t dated, I think he then gave me the brush-off, “You should take her to dance class. I go on Wednesdays at seven-thirty. We do salsa and street dancing, and she’ll meet someone there, I’m sure.”

I thanked him, and promised that we’d be there one day, unsure if I was offering a promise that was empty or not. We then left, and I sighed, “DATING IS HARD”. It is, especially when you’re trying to date for your mum who doesn’t even know that you’re doing it, and is probably MORTIFIED at the thought.

Are you an awkward dater? Have you ever gone date-shopping for someone else?