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Letter to Lacey: 5 years old

Fat Mum Slim /

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Dear Lacey,

Every year your birthday comes around, and every year I play a little game in my head. I call it the ‘This time back when’ game. It’s a little trip back memory lane that I think most mums play around the birthday of their children.

This morning I woke at crazy o’clock, also known as 3am. Sick of fighting the wake/sleep battle, I grabbed a blanket and headed for the lounge. Usually my early morning wake-ups go unnoticed. You and Dadda sleep on, like babies {well, babies that sleep that is}. This time Dadda came out to check on me. “You OK?” he asked, “You know this time five years ago you were in labour?”

And now this very time five years ago you were being placed on my chest. Your bare little body. The first time we touched. You cried. I cried. Dadda cried. We all cried.

It’s hard to remember life before you, Lacey. Was it quiet? Was it dull? How did we fill our days?

Life is different, I know that much is true. We still don’t sleep as much as we need or like, but that’s our life now. And you’re worth every under-eye bag. Because the good stuff far outweighs the bad.

The good is good. The way you write my name with such pride, for me. The way you can hear any music, and it doesn’t matter where we are or who is watching, you dance. And not just a little bop, but you throw yourself into it like you’re dancing for your life. Like no one is watching. The way you talk about your baby sibling with excitement. The way you love to hug. “Dad!” you’ll yell as he leaves for work, “I forgot to give you something!” And down the driveway you run to give him a necessary embrace. The way you ask constant questions, “Why does it rain? Why is the grass green? How? Who? What? When?” The way you have a beautiful heart filled with compassion. The way you make friends with such ease, and confidence. The way you embrace life with such enthusiasm.

It’s hard to believe that you’ve been here for five years, but at the same time it’s hard to imagine life before you too.

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Last night you decided for the first time ever that you’d go to bed without a fight, so you crawled under your blankets and waited for sleep to come {for the record, it didn’t… but at least you tried}. I overheard you singing, a little made-up song filled with happy words. I came and sat beside your bed, “Hello my little 4 year old. When you wake in the morning you’ll be my 5 year old. All grown up.”

“Talk to me some more Mama.”

So we talked. You told me where you want me to hide the presents, how you were going to be so big on your birthday and how your hair was growing so long now that you were nearly five. Simple conversations, but oh how I fought back tears. I have a five year old? I’m not sure how it happened but I do. And it’s you.

This time five years ago you made me a mum. I am forever grateful. Forever changed. Forever your mama.

I love you. Happy 5th birthday. May it be filled with rainbows, sparkles and lots of music.
Mama. xx

@Fatmumslim