he taxi waited for me outside. As I opened the front door I hesitated. I ran back in and scoured the room. I needed something. Something small. Something that would remind me. Something I could sneak inside my handbag.
And there it was. A small bracelet she’d made from buttons the day before. As she slept I snuck it inside my handbag’s front pocket and ran into the dark of the early morning.
I sat in the back of the taxi, and wiped tears from my eyes. The what ifs ran through my mind. What if I never saw them again? What if something happened whilst I was up in the sky? What if I never got to saw her grow into an adult? What if…
The what ifs are dangerous. They start at one not-so-dark place, and then submerge themselves in the utterly murky. I’ve always been like this, filled with what ifs.
I cried when my mum went on holidays. I cried when she was sick with a hangover. I cried when I’d go to school camp {even when I was too old for tears}. The what ifs had control of me.
And now, as a mama {and a wife}, they had a firm grasp on me. Not all the time. Just when goodbyes are involved. Just when we have to cut that invisible umbilical cord. Life is precious. Special. I struggle to let go.
Throughout the day I stumbled across the button bracelet as I went about my day, away from her. As I placed my sunglasses in my bag it brushed against my hand, I smiled. It almost fell out as I grabbed my purse to pay for a drink, I smiled. As I reached inside my bag for plane ticket and it jingled, I smiled.
When I arrived home she was fast asleep, cuddled up like a teeny baby in our big bed. I kissed her soft cheek, and said good night. Good night to my baby in the and of sleep slumber, and good night to the what ifs. Until next time.
i am exactly the same 'telle!
i cry myself to sleep a lot with what ifs..
and as a child i would cry about what ifs if i was away
from my parents at night… any sleepover would have
me and my anxiety of what ifs spiraling out of control!
it is such a debilitating feeling isn't it? 🙁 Horrible!
I think it's hard to not think of the 'what if's' when there is so much love involved and so much on the line! I'm a worryier of 'what-ifs' too….but so much more so since becoming a Mummy!! I could really relate to this post Chantelle 🙂 I had {still have} the opportunity to travel overseas for a 10 day holiday with my single girlfriends {it would be just me & them….no husband, no child, minimal responsibility for me!} {It would be fun, relaxing & a week ALL ABOUT ME} But I can't do it!!! My fear of flying {and flying off into the unknown without my 2 loves by my side} scares the life out of me! Maybe if it was just a weekend away…interstate… I wouldn't let the fears get the better of me! But I whimped out…in fear of the 'what if's' :))
xo
I am just going to say “Me too.”
And I am glad you picked up that button bracelet.
xx
i feel the same way, to be honest for some strange reason i thought i must of been the only one, none of my friends are like that……..it's not nice feeling like that, and i agree with claire seems like its worse since i've had zekky, i love that you took something so spesh with you, loving your posts lisa
I am a “what if” woman too. It's nice to know that I am not the only one out there!
what if and anxiety are my problem too ….. i don't think it ever changes if you are built that way…but you have to live too…well that is what i tell myself….but the thing is I've had one of those awful what if things happen to me and somehow you do keep going….don't know how it happens but you do have to go on….
Adding to the chorus of “me too's”. Ha, and I thought I was the only over-emotional one. I once cried when I was catching a plane home from Melbourne and the Mr was training it home and I'd see him 6 hours later. I'm wracked with the, “what if's” at goodbye times. Thank you for sharing this lovely. I'm even worse now that I'm a Mama. xoxo
Sadly, I cried leaving my dog at my Dad's place over the weekend. He lives there. I don't. I live in the city and I don't get to see him or my Dad that often. I pathetically sobbed in the car for a good 5 minutes. His puppy dog eyes looked so sad when I left.
Hmm, I sadly I am a 'what if' mamma too, my mind easily slides down the path of all the unfortunate possibilities that might befall my loved ones. Then I distract myself with some fun 'what if's'…
* What if we had an ostrich for a pet instead of our dog?
* What if the storm water drain down in our street is actually a portal to another world?
* What if the smile I give the next person I meet, changes the way they see the world for the rest of their life?
What if's can be a lot of fun too!
Thanks as always xo
this post is so fitting. i can't believe i stumbled across it and couldn't believe the timing. in september my husband and i are leaving my three kids with my mum and dad and heading to bali for 6 nights to celebrate a milestone wedding anniversary. last night i lay in bed and was smacked by the 'what ifs'…
i have been to bali before and am not worried about it, i just worry about the what ifs for my kids. i know they will be fine. i just hope i have processed all the what ifs before i go so i can actually enjoy myself!
it must be a mum thing ..
I used to stumble on the 'what ifs' and then one day I decided that I had had enough of worrying about things that I cannot control. It took a long time to change, but I am almost there now… almost… but what if I'm not? What if I'm kidding myself? What if…
ah, lovely. Thank you for these words, you write beautifully.
I feel those what ifs too, on those rare occassions that I'm away from the boy and the babe.
Elizabeth Saxe Coburg-Gotha is an evil woman, why do we slave away at work our whole lives for money with her face on