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How to fake a clean home

Fat Mum Slim /

how to fake a clean home

I woke up this morning and my house looked like a bomb had hit it. Seriously. I’ve been feeling poorly, and then yesterday Hubby, Luella and I just escaped it all and spent the morning at the beach, swimming lessons, sushi and school pick-ups, you know… avoiding it. Pretending that our messy home did not exist.

This was my house at 7:15am this morning. MORTIFYING {so mortifying that I’ll share a picture online. Why not?}.


{Yes that is a dead, pink & white unicorn on the floor. It died from mess distress}

I’m a master at the speed clean. I used to be a nanny, you know? And you can bet your bottom dollar that half an hour before it was time for the parents to come home, I was getting my speed clean on {and telling those kids to be angels}. If those parents arrived home early for some insane reason, well… let’s just say I was wishing they didn’t.

Faking a clean home needs two main things; attention to surfaces and a laundry basket {or two if you’re really in a pickle}, oh and about 30 minutes.

Start the clocks, and BEGIN.

1. Grab your bleach and head to the toilet. You’re going to squirt some bleach in that loo and leave it. When faking a clean home you want to cover all bases that a visitor might visit. Leave your loo to clean itself for a moment.

2. Head to your kitchen. Our main living/dining/kitchen is one big space that is straight off the front door. There is no hiding our mess. So for us that big main area needs to be cleaned, your rooms might be different. The kitchen is a place to make tea and eat biscuits, so I think it’s a great spot to clean first. I give it ten minutes here. Fill the sink with hot soapy water, and while it’s filling, empty the dishwasher and then fill it again. Wipe down all surfaces. If you’re like me and like to have every cupboard door open for some weird reason, close them. Wash anything in the sink that isn’t dishwasher safe {baby bottles, lunchbox stuff etc}.

3. If you have kids, now is the time to use them. Ask {beg, plead, bribe!} them to swiftly pick up everything they own and put it in their room or they lose it. Lacey was sound asleep during my speed clean, so I did the work for her. She can thank me later.

4. Grab your laundry basket. Yes, laundry baskets are meant for laundry but in this case it’s going to be for the stuff that you haven’t been arsed to put away for a while. Just toss all the little things in there: bills that need paying, school newsletters, stray hair ties, stuff, stuff and more stuff. You can go through it later while enjoying a glass of wine.

At this stage Luella got cranky and so the rest I did one handed while carrying her around. A workout and a speed clean? Thank you Luella.

5. Wipe down all surfaces. Well, not all. Let’s not get too enthusiastic. All visible flat, horizontal, non-floor surfaces; tables, buffets, high chairs etc.

6. Do the pick up. Anything that’s left on the floor can be done in a swift clean. For me it was twenty billion toys of Luella’s that she chases around all day. They went into one basket. And then Lacey’s pencils, textas and pens into her pencil case. Usually she has about eleventy billion of those ‘awesome’ loom elastics around everywhere. Today was a good day.

7. Shove that laundry basket in your bedroom. Or whichever room you can easily hide it.

8. Go back to the toilet. Give it a quick once over with the toilet brush. Check the bathroom {i.e. the hand-washing place} for any stray underpants or dirty, wet towels. Pick them up, obviously.

9. Light a candle. A candle does many things. It makes your house smell a-mah-zing, and it gives your home a feel that says, “What? My house always looks like this.”

10. Close all doors to rooms you do not want explored. For me today, it’s the laundry. DO NOT GO IN THERE PEOPLE.

You’re done. If you’re extra studious and have time to spare, you can use this to do a super vacuum. Or if you’re smart and have a robot vacuum {like me!}, press the button and let it do it’s thing.

IMG_7529And next time you’re at the shops, you might like to buy a new laundry basket… because it goes without saying that the one filled with all that stuff is going to sit in it’s hiding spot for 3 weeks until you get a notice for your telephone bill being overdue and you find it hiding in your closet from that one time you did that crazy speed clean.

Do you use the laundry basket trick? What other ones do you have up your sleeves?