Sometimes it just plain sucks…

42 thoughts on “Sometimes it just plain sucks…”

1. I don’t think it ever gets easier, it just changes. I have lost both of my parents at a relatively young adult age and neither got to see me married or have my son. I feel your pain as you describe the things you miss, and how “unfair” it seems and feels. I still cry and get angry at times. I do smile when I think of things that remind me of them or see my son do something that he could only genetically know, since he never knew them. Holidays, milestones, and anniversaries are hard to get through; but I always say Tuesdays are the hardest…it’s my way of saying that the grief just kind of sneaks up on one day when you aren’t expecting it…because it isn’t one of those “special” days, it’s just an ordinary day…and sometimes, those are the hardest…

2. Dear chantelle, last December I lost my great grandma. She was one of the most wonderful and caring people I know. She had Alzheimer’s disease so I haven’t been that close to her for 5 or 6 years {she didn’t know who I was and she always talked to me as if I was 4 or 5 because she was stuck in the past}. Then she had a stroke and all parts of her body were paralyzed .. So it actually was better for her to pass away. It released her. We all knew and it helped me lots to let let her go.
   But there still are those hard moments like birthdays, Easter, Christmas, my upcoming jugendweihe (typical tradition in eastern Germany) which show her missing. It’s that empty side next to my great grandpa. It makes me sad to know she won’t be there.

   Do you get my point? You learn to live with that. You don’t think about their absence all the time. But then there are those moments that just take your breath away and make you want to cry.
   In those moments I just think about lucky moments with her and then I make sure to turn my “I’m so sad she’s dead, she still should be here, I want her back” thoughts into “I’m said she’s gone but I’m happy that I got to know her” ones – it helps. It makes me smile. And life has to go on and I know she’d want us to continue living and make the best of it and so do we.

3. I understand how you are feeling my father passed away last March so he has been gone just over a year now. He is thought of everyday and remembered often I am lucky though my girls new him and will remember him. It is so hard losing a parent I often think to myself ‘I have lost someone who has known me my whole life, gave me life and did the best job he knew how’. I miss him so terribly much. I miss how we used to have chats on the phone and he was always my biggest supporter in all that I did. Now it is my turn to have the tears welling up. Dad went peacefully and the last time I spoke to him was the day before he passed and he said ‘I am happy and I am content’. Dad knew he was leaving us and he was ready. I love him so much and it just makes you realise that you should tackle every day with fun and enjoyment and live life to the fullest. Hugs to you. V xo

4. I too don’t think the pain lessons. It just becomes like a deeper wound that you learn is with you always. Stomp your feet and cry as much as you need. Much love to you all. Xxxx

5. Yes, I have lost someone too in my life and no matter ow many days, weeks, years pass their memory will always stay in my heart. The may not be in my life anymore but they were…yes, it plain sucks that we take time for granted and do not value them when they are around and miss them when they are no more . 🙁

6. The good news is, the memories don’t dissapear. That was my biggest fear when my dad passed away very suddenly. 22 years and I still think about how much he would enjoy certain things today. He would have totally loved Skype!

   • Crying. Can’t reply just now.xxxxx

7. 15 years ago I lost my little brother. When I say little, he was 31 and a big strapping lad, but still, my little brother. It was his choice to go and I have learned to accept that. The saying goes that time heals all wounds. I have learnt that that’s not quite true. It simply makes the wounds a little easier to bear. Sometimes, something happens and the band aid is ripped off and the wounds are again laid bare. Something as simple as a song, a movie, a memory can do it. He left behind three little girls and each step of their lives we are there and watch and it breaks my heart that he’s missing it. We have been by their sides all the way, my husband stepping in for all the ‘daddy’ times, building bikes and trampolines at Christmas, Daddy nights at kinder, then being ‘bouncer’ at the 16th’s and 18th birthdays. I still think of him every single day in some little way, the pain never goes. It’s like living near a railway line. The noise never goes away but after a while the noise doesn’t startle you any more but becomes a part of your life and you go on….

8. It never stops hurting – I find it just changes from a knife twist on your heart to a never ending dull ache. We lost my brother 13 years ago and as each year passes I feel a little bit more ripped off

   • I couldn’t have said it better. We lost my cousin when he was 22 and I know my Aunt must feel that same pain… so ripped off. Bluey died younger than he should have, but he did jam-pack all that life into his years {but there was so much more good stuff to come!}.

     I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. And thank you for putting my feelings into words so beautifully. x

9. My Dad has missed out on seeing 3 of his children get married and both my Dad and my Mother in law never got to meet their grand children and yes it does suck. My husband and I use the saying “live in the now” everyday and make an effort to never sweat the small stuff because you just don’t know how long your here for. Be kind to yourself this weekend and hug your precious little family tight because that’s really all that matters.

10. I understand your range of emotions very much. Sending love and hugs xx

11. Thank you for writing about it two years on. Too many people think it just goes away or you stop feeling WTF! I was keeping my grief to myself because I thought I was ‘abnormal’ until a recent therapy session had me breakdown & accept that it’s ok!

    • I think people stop talking about it so much, so it’s assumed that you’re all ‘better’. But I think we get stronger {i.e. don’t cry all the time} but there’s still that void in our lives where they should be, and I still find myself including him in everything, particularly conversations “Bluey would have loved to see this, do that, be here…”

      I think of you all the time Sam. I know Bluey was my father-in-law and not my parent, and I can only imagine the pain you’ve gone through. xxx

12. Thank you for sharing this. A friend’s child just passed away and I just visited my grandfather for the last time. Although varying circumstances, I share the feelings you’ve articulated here. It has provided a momentary solace to feel/think that it is okay to feel/think that it just sucks, it’s unfair and that you just want to curl up and cry your eyes out.

    • And crying is so good for the soul. xxxx

13. The woman who writes one of the blogs I read (Tea with Lucy) gave birth to her son in the early hours of the 16th of May, the same night her grandfather passed. I had a little bawl thinking about how sad and profound and somehow beautifully profound that was. I was thinking that day that no-one I’ve known and loved well has died apart from my great grandmother, who passed when I was in year 7. But she had been tired and in a lot of pain for years though so, somehow, it seemed okay. Her birthday was Christmas Eve so we usually do something special. My grandfather has been slowly dying of emphysema for the last eight years. We keep being told to say goodbye because he won’t see another week, another month, another year, and the cranky old bugger’s defied all their medical knowledge because he’s just not ready to go. Now I’m not sure how I’ll feel when he dies because the goodbyes have been going on so long.

    • My Nanna had dementia and although it was so very sad when she passed, it was kind of a relief that she was no longer in pain. So hard to explain. It was different and almost peaceful.

14. My husband died 6 years ago. After the first pain, the hardest is that he is not here to share family joys. How he would have loved to know about our great-granddaughter’s arrival, and about a grandson doing so well at university! How I would have loved to share these things with him.

    • I can’t even imagine. I’m hoping that Winnie the Pooh quote is true for Hubby and I.

      “If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.”

      I am so sorry. x

15. My mother in law died this week and it sucks big time.

    I keep reflecting on the quote ‘don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened’. That’s exactly how I feel about my MIL because she was the most beautiful, patient, kind hearted lady that there ever was.

    • I am so sorry. x

16. My father passed away 10 years ago, the day before my birthday and 10 weeks after walking me down the aisle at my wedding. He had been ill with Cancer for 6 1/2 years and fought so hard… He was supposedly ‘in remission’ several times but it kept coming back. Everywhere. And it SUCKS. MAJORLY. It started in his bowel and just kept rearing it’s ugly head. He fought it so stoically though. He saw my younger brother graduate from Police Academy and marry, saw my baby brother turn 21. He came out of hospital for my wedding, but never came home again… Every time I hear of someone living to a ripe old age, I feel resentment. It’s not like I want anything to happen to them, I just want my Dad back. Not gone at 62. My Husband’s Grandparents just passed within a fortnight of each other, both in their late 90’s. His Grandpa went in his sleep at 97, his Grandma faded away shortly after, in a care home. My Dad should still have been here, able to enjoy his retirement. Go fishing, travel with my Mum, meet my four children and have them enjoy knowing him… My Dad was a teacher and a great story-teller. One of my greatest regrets is that he only met my eldest who was 2 years old when he passed, and my kids never got to hear his stories… I try to remember them and relate them, but it’s not the same. So, I do understand where you are coming from. To say time heals is a crock. It just adds more resentment, more regrets over what a person is missing and a deeper sense of loss with the years… I am so grateful to have had my Dad, but I miss him so much. And it SUCKS.

    `+-`’;

    • I know that resentment. It was strongest in that first year. Why do others get to live to whatever age and he didn’t? It’s a lot to carry around.

      I’m so sorry that he’s not here. It just sucks.

17. Not easier. Just different. And it can hit when you least expect it. Hugs xx

18. My husband died when he was 43. I had an 8yo at the time. (He is now 21.) It’s hard to be both Mum and Dad. My father died nearly two years ago at 86. One too young and the other with a good long life behind him. They both hurt. In fact yesterday my POTD ‘Want’ was a photo of my father’s picture. It never goes away. It attacks at the most unexpected times. But it is. And we learn to live with it. And remember and share the memories.

19. My mother-in-law died, in England, 9 days after our son was born, here in Sydney. My darling husband got back just in time to see her again before she passed away. Luckily I had sent him to visit her a few weeks earlier (as she was so unwell) in the January. We miss her, and her voice and her lovely encouragement and joy in our lives. Four years on and I still think of her every Sunday night, when the phone would ring and I’d say, you get, it will be England. It was hard. Luckily my parents could move in for that fortnight to help me, especially as we already had our 2 year old daughter. My father-in-law has been in a nursing home ever since, as he has dementia and alzheimers. I encourage my daring husband to tell their stories to our children, so they know how wonderful they were – and that there was a life before the nursing home that was dynamic and fun and loving. My f-i-l loves us, I know that, but it is so hard. We visit at least once a year – expensive but as I say to my darling, you can’t take it with you.

20. My father in law (56) committed suicide 3 days before Christmas and 4 days before our youngest child was born, he is now 21. His wife had died from cancer (48) 4 years before and I don’t think he ever really recovered from it. She died of lung cancer (never smoked in her life) but he was 100 cigarettes a day man, passive smoking was suggested by her specialist. He rang us all up the night before he did it (we know now if was to say goodbye) and wasn’t found until Christmas Eve when my then husband raised an alarm as the post office that he operated in western QLD didn’t open on the Monday. It literally tore our family apart….Christmas and our sons birthday always had a touch of sadness attached to it. I was and still am to some extent so angry with him for doing that to us and his other children and grandchildren. It sucks that he had a choice in living but chose to die, it sucks that his wife fought so hard to live and lost but most of all what it did to the family sucks the most!!!!

21. My Nan. She had cancer – had only been diagnosed a month. It was treatable, doctors had every confidence she could beat it. She had first lot of chemo and her immune system was completely wiped out. She caught a cold, which led to a chest infection and her blood tests showed she needed a blood transfusion. She needed to be transferred to another hospital an hour away. She was declared stable enough to be transferred via ambulance and I was visiting her at the time so I was the family member to go along with the escort. She held my hand.
    She died on the way.
    At the time I was strong. It all didn’t seem real. And deep down the guilt. I felt that I had taken away the moment from someone else – my mum, my uncle, my great aunt, my Pop. But my family reassured me that they did not blame me, they were glad it was me – her eldest grandchild was the perfect person to be there with her when she left this earth. It was calm, it was peaceful, it was quick and final. No fuss. The Nanna way.
    I write this, my eyes overflowing with tears of longing. To hug her. To have a good old chinwag and a chuckle with her. To show my kids to her – her great grandkids. I just miss her.
    It’s been almost 7 years.
    It still hurts but it’s different, a little easier I guess.
    But the memories and longing for her presence never fade.

22. I have lost several people in my life. The most devastating was my Mum. A friend told me, “It doesn’t get any easier. You just learn to deal with it better”. I think this is true. I still miss my Mum and after all these years I still cry when I think of her. Her death was sudden and I am still angry. She had so many plans and was such a vibrant person. Each death is different. There was a suicide, a drug overdose, a fire, a nephew who died at 10 days old. I have grieved for each of these and the feelings are different for each but the underlying feeling for all was that they were cheated and as a result so were those of us who loved them. I miss them all every day and probably always will.

23. you said it, it just plain sucks. I lost two aunties, a few years apart. There was a time when I thought life would never be good again. And for few years it wasn’t. But slowly I realised that what these beautiful strong women would have wanted most for me was happiness. So I embraced the life I had, I still get a lump in my throat knowing that they never saw me marry, meet my wonderful husband, become a mother, see my parents as Grandparents. I can’t even imagine that they have never cuddled my daughter. Its soon to be 12 years and 8 years since these amazing women have left us. But every day they are in my heart and mind. I don’t know that it ever gets easier, we just learn to live a new life without them. x

24. I lost my Dad 7 days after my 24th birthday. He had liver cancer and we never even knew it! He’s been gone for nearly 3.5 years now & it never gets easier for me. Especially as in the next 18 months my partner & I are planning our wedding. Like you I often think of the things he’s missed & what he’d think of it all.
    I often find when I think I’m doing fine life will creep up on me and ungracefully bash me over the head and remind me he’s not here in the strangest of ways.

25. For Me Easter is the hard holiday……. instead of feeling joy of Springtime and new beginnings, it only reminds me of my loved ones who has passed…… one week before Easter 34 years ago, my Father-in-Law passed away (he was 46 years young)…3 years ago on Easter morning my father passed away…..and just this year, my Mother-in-Law passed away 3 weeks before Easter…..During the year I will have my memories but at Easter I still shed some tears for them………

26. My grandfather passed away in 2005 and I still cry about it often. Hubby thinks it’s a bit odd (his family is not close), but I just can’t get my head around the fact that they are here one day and then gone the next. And you will never see them again.
    My thoughts are with you xo

27. My thoughts are with you and your family Chantelle. I love this photo and think it is such a beautiful way for Lacey to remember her grandfather.
    My MIL passed away about 18 months ago, which was a couple of months shy of her 50th birthday. She was unwell, and had been for some time, but it was still a real shock. Fortunately, my partner got to see her for a few days and say goodbye.
    Our daughter was 2 at the time, and seems to remember at least some of what happened. She wants to know what happened, and it is so hard to explain death to someone so young. My MIL loved each and every one of her grandchildren to the moon and back, and had such a big heart.

28. In just a few days, it will be a year since my husband’s cousin passed away. She was only a year older than me and I am 32. Cancer took her away from her two young children, her husband, and our family. It breaks my heart every time I see her children, just knowing that they will have to grow up without her, One of the most important people in their lives, and she’s not here with them. I feel like I also have a little bit of survivors guilt. I had cancer a few years before her, but was fortunate enough to beat it and have been in remission for eight years. I just feel like it’s so unfair to her and her family. I just feel like, why did I deserve to live and she didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I am so very grateful to be alive and well, and able to raise my children, but I just feel bad that she had to go so early. It just hurts so much to think about it sometimes.

29. It absolutely never goes away. It just becomes less about anger and unfairness. But always sadness. Rant, rave, stomp your feet, cry. And then smile as you remember the nice things. x

30. Wow! Look how many people got to share their grief because you were generous enough to share yours! Loss really does hurt but sharing makes it a little easier to bear. You’re a good egg Chantelle. Thank you.

31. hugs to you – grief is always just there – sometiimes it fades to the bakground but pops out at odd times to surprise you. You don’t get over losing someone you love – you just have to get used to it xxx We lost my beautiful cousin 5 hours after my first son was born and he will be 15 in July. I didn’t get to go to her funeral, I was in hospital after emergency c section and she was being buried 10 hours drive away. not saying goodbye really hurt – for years I thought I saw her in crowds and every family gathering I wait for her to turn up, I still dream of her often. She died from complications with chemo due to an aggressive form of Leukaemia 6 weeks from diagnosis – she was 25 and the light of everyones life. I am with you stomping my feet – its not fair !!! and we are allowed to cry – there is no timeline for grief xxxxx So enjoy the living this is not a dress rehearsal Catherine xx

32. I lost my mum when I was 17 (I’m now 33) and I totally agree with the statement that the hurt doesn’t go away…it just changes and you learn to deal with it.
    I often wonder to myself what she would have thought of my life choices. And I hope that she’s proud of where I am today

33. I lost my grandmother at 16. My uncle at 13. My two grandfather and a step grandfather at 20. A family friend when I was 20 and also my dog when I was 19.I am 22 now. I don’t think grief ever gets easier. I think you learn how to deal with it. I still get upset around the holidays,birthdays and anniversaries. It is hard and I know that they are with me and in a better place. It still hurts. I know that they are proud of me.

34. Does not get easier, it evolves in to something other. My grandmother died Sept 11. While the world watch USA in horror, our family was consumed with grief in a hospital in Brisbane. I still forget and sometimes go to to phone her.

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