M
other Guilt? Please.
It’s there lingering from the moment you’ve pushed your wee one through the birth canal {or endured a c-section}. It’s there taunting you. Do I have enough milk? Is my baby being fed enough? Am I jeopardising bubba’s well being by not breastfeeding at all? Swaddle or no swaddle? Co-sleep or no co-sleep? And then eventually it becomes public school or private school? Perhaps it never ends.
Recently I was knocked by a huge wave of Mother Guilt. Huge. It was like a tsunami of guilt consumed me, and I was pointing the finger back at myself, whispering Bad Mama. Bad Mama.
Back in February I was at my wits end. I was so sleep deprived I didn’t know whether I was here nor there, or even actually existing. I dragged myself around, bags under my eyes. I thought it just wouldn’t end. Lacey just wasn’t a good sleeper, and probably because I’d never how to sleep properly {yep, Mother Guilt rears it’s pretty face again}.
I bought a little musical device that aids Bubba’s sleep. I found it in the toy section at Myer. Not the most reliable place to find sleeping aids, but I was desperate. So I picked it up, paid for it and took it home.
It had lights and a little tune that supposedly lulls the baby into a deep sleep {or the parents into a false hope of ever feeling normal again}. I thought it was cute. I put it on the side of the cot whilst Lacey went to sleep protested for what seemed like hours on end. It didn’t work. She ended up in bed with us. And still sleeps there now.
So fast forward to last weekend. We were playing in Lacey’s room with all her toys. It was mid-afternoon. She’d had a nap. It was playtime. She found the old sleeping device musical piece of crap toy. She handed it to us, so we turned it on. We thought, months on, that she’d be amazed by the lights and the tune.
It wasn’t so. The bottom lip dropped. We tried to turn the frown upside down, but it was staying that way. And then came the uncontrollable sobbing. You know the type. Whole body convulsive sobbing. The desperate gasping for air in between huge wails. Crying that even a hug won’t cure.
It seems that beautiful little tune was so deeply ingrained in Lacey’s memory, that I may have scarred her for life.
I was so busy trying to comfort Lacey that I forgot to tell Hubby to TURN THE DARN THING OFF. It can thank it’s lucky illuminated stars that it didn’t get smashed into a trillion pieces right there and then.
And if I didn’t have to care for, and comfort Lacey I would have collapsed right there from the all consuming Mother Guilt. A feeling that is most certainly not foreign to me.
So now I’d love to hear from you. I know Mother Guilt exists. I suffer from it. And books are written about it.
What do you feel guilty about? Clear your conscious here.
Print: FlapperDoodle.
Oh my!! I'm working on number four so I can't even begin to tell you how much guilt I have felt over the years. I was a failure at breast feeding. I'm not a very good housekeeper and I feel guilty about that for my children. I can't get my almost 19 month out of my bed and when I attempt it I am so overwhelmed with guilt at her cries I nearly cry too. I feed my children altogether too much freezer food. I feel guilty that my daughter won't have my attention for as long as my others did because I got pregnant so quickly after I had her and so on and so forth. Seriously, I could write a book about all the guilt, but I do try to remember that I am simply a human being trying her best to raise her little human beings!!
You know, we're all doing the best we can, with parenting and everything else. Sure, there are things we all wish we'd done different and things we'd do differently if we had it all to do over. But what's done is done, and feeling guilty is a piker's game. Do the best you can moving forward. That's all anyone can realistically ask of you.
I think mother guilt actually starts from the moment of conception rather then from birth! I also think its something that shows how much we care about our little ones, rather then as a negative. of course if it got OTT then it would be a negative, but otherwise, its just something you have to live with as Mother. It goes with the territory like sleepless nights and dirty nappies 🙂
Oh my, I just logged on to write about this very thing. I think “guilty” is now my default setting. Especially when I was working part-time, felt guilty about being away from GG, felt guilty that I wasn't contributing more. GG goes to sleep in her own bed, but 99% of the time, creeps in with me during the night. I can't stand her crying til she vomits when I try and re-establish her in her own bed, so I put up with getting no sleep and knowing I'm doing the wrong thing by her. More guilt.
I was talking to my mum about this the other day. She said she experienced SO much Mother Guilt when it came time to send my brother and I to childcare while she went to work. She said there were so many times she was so close to quitting her job because of the Guilt.
Only now is she realising that she has raised her 18 year old son and 20 year old daughter to be two happy and healthy kids, and she has done a darn good job as a mum, regardless of Mother Guilt.
Relax!!! Trust me, your kids will turn out fine.
This being said, if you were to ask me to comment on the topic of Mother Guilt in 10 years or so, and it may be a completely different story!
My 2 year old is a boy of extremes. He is either outrageously happy and lovely or heartbreakingly sad or enraged.
We used to joke that he is our Bipolar baby.
I've just been diagnosed wtih bipolar. It's not funny anymore. Now I'm scared that he has in fact, inherited something from me.
Talk about guilt…
It's impossible to be a perfect mother! That's what I keep reminding myself anyway. I wish the guilt didn't exist though. It (only slightly) dampens what is an amazing experience.
I sometimes wonder if our mothers felt the same. My mum doesn't seem to remember feeling any anxiety over whether she was parenting correctly or not. She worried over my health and safety (and still does) but doesn't remember feeling guilt as such. I might talk to her about it again.
I wonder, is it all the stuff we hear or read in the media about parenting, healthy eating, sleeping habits, learning development etc that makes us question our own abilities? Or do we compare ourselves to other mothers too much?
Sorry.. rambling but I wonder what others think.
Ummm, mother guilt. I'm on my fourth kid so I'm trying to not beat myself up about the little things anymore. You just do the best that you can. Kids are just little people and they're all different.
What do I feel guilty about now? That I don't have the time to spend reading more to the older kids, not making more nutritious food…and staying in the shower even when I can hear the baby crying.
Guilt is a part of motherhood and we just have to live with it. We are women. But recently I have moved on a bit from feeling guilty with babies now some of mine have started school. There comes a whole new wave of it knowing things I should have done re reading to them the right way etc etc. Its neverending really and its just the way we are. There is always someone ready to tell us how we should have done things. How lovely would it be to just enjoy things without thinking about all the shoulds and woulds. I think most kids turn out okay so we aren't doing too badly.
I feel guilty everytime I leave Zoe in her cot when she is still awake – but sometimes it is the only way that she will go to sleep. So perhaps 10 minutes of crying a day I should not be feeling guilty about. I used to co-sleep with Zoe up until 10 weeks and god was my body sore – you can't move very much when you have a little person in bed with you!
Wow Chantelle, you seem to be reading my mind this morning!
Mother Guilt. I am copping a huge dose of it right now. We're in the middle of moving interstate from WA to Vic, but are “on holidays” in limbo land for 3 months before we settle down. In the last week my 7.5 month bubba has lost her own room, own cot and all sense of routine. Her sleeping has gone from wonderful to terrible and I have this niggling feeling that we're undoing all our hard work! Will we stuff her up completely? Gosh I hope not!
I'm a single mum, so I feel heaps of guilt about the whole no-daddy thing. I worry my son's missing out on the rough daddy play, that he will feel alienated from other little boys that play sports/games that I haven't done with him, that he'll be too girly or effeminate.
I also feel guilty because, on account of being a single mum, I don't think I spend enough time with him. I'm a full-time student as well, so between studying, housework, preparing meals, taking care of our pets and all the other stuff … I just feel like he spends too much time on his own and not enough quality time interacting with me.
He's three and doesn't talk a lot compared to other kids, and I blame myself because, again … single parent. Maybe I don't talk to him enough. Maybe he's not hearing enough grown-up conversation to stimulate his own speech.
I've had total strangers stop in the street/shopping centre if he's having a tantrum, and when they ask where his father is, and I say I'm a single mum, I get the whole knowing look and “Ah. He needs a father for discipline.” More guilt!
Overall I shut down the guilt by telling myself that he's a really perky, happy, healthy kid, so I can't be going too far wrong.
telle every mother and many fathers have guilt, unfortunately it comes with the territory!!!!
we all stress about the decisions we make concerning our kids, but most of us are doing the best we can.
I remember when i was nannying i couldn't believe there were people that had there kids sleep in their beds with them , it seemed lazy to me. Or the parents that buy takefood food for their kids all the time, can't they cook a decent meal. But now i am a mum and as a mum I do what works for me…. if that means my kids are going to sleep in my bed so i can get some well deserved sleep than that's where they will sleep. If i am too tired to cook and i stop and buy chicken and chips well then tommorrow night i will cook vegies for them. If i lose my temper because their bedrooms are a totally mess than i will try and be calmer tommorrow.
I am doing the best i can and many people may not agree with how i raise my children but it is what work's for me. My children are happy, healthy, wonderful children (most of the time) and most of the time I am a happy content mum. But yes there will always be the guilt of I could be doing a better job but that's what tommorrow is for….
xx
I am going to add this to me ever-growing list of reasons not to have children!! got enough guilt thanks!
Chantelle – from what I see on your blog and what I hear from others you're an amazing Mother and Nanny so I think you should cut yourself some slack 😉 give yourself a bit more credit because you deserve it x
God I could have written this post myself. My MG is with the sleep too – she still sleeps with us on and off. I try to get her to stay in her own bed without the tears, I can't stand the 'crying til they vomit' either. Surely there's another way!?
I'm so exhausted lately which is not helping…
@Penny: I love your last sentence. It sums it all up!
@Jack: Wow. I love you. Thank YOU!
@Fiona: You're so right. It does start when we conceive our little ones. So true. The guilt is there from the VERY beginning.
@Quix: Yep. It's everywhere, but kinda comforting that we're not alone. x
@Jane: Thanks Jane. It's nice that your Mum didn't have any guilt. I wish I was the same.
@Melissa: I'm sorry that things are tough for you at present. If it's any comfort Lacey is the same: High highs and low lows. I think it's normal toddler behaviour. xx
@Viv: I think if I lived in a little protective bubble I would have nowhere near as much guilt as I do now. I think the media plays a big part. It easily triggers the guilt within.
@Alex: I love that you stay in the shower a little bit longer than your little one would like. The shower is my little haven. I pretend it's a cone of silence where the outside world doesn't exist and I can just focus on me. xx
@Bush Belles: You're so right. They do/will turn out okay. It would be nice to be so certain about that and not let the creep feel in, but like you say: We're women and it's natural.
@Alicia: I SO know! Lacey creeps over my side so much and I am left with about 10cm. I miss stretching out and sleeping on my tummy. I miss it so so so much.
@Louise: Wow, what a busy time for you at the moment. I'm sure she'll adapt back so quickly with all the hard work you've put in. x
@Jay: Awwww. Big hugs. Some people have NO idea. xx
@Bee: Brilliantly said. Thank you. xx
@Elle: BIG thank you. xx
@Helen: It's a catch 22, isn't it? If we were well slept, we'd cope better and handle it all a whole lot better.
I have mother guilt all the time…If I have had a bad day, I feel like the worst mum in the world. Sometimes we just have to be easy on ourselves and realise that we are wonderful mothers….
Where to even begin? I feel guilty working at home while she plays on her own, feel guilty every time I let her watch TV and yes sometimes I leave the TV on ALL day. I feel guilty when I snap at her and her little lip drops. I feel guilty when I give her peanut butter sandwhiches for dinner. But then I try to remember that I am just completely neurotic and then I feel better.
I felt terrible guilt at having failed at breastfeeding my son who is now 2 years old. I had people ask me why I didn't want to breastfeed, if only it were that easy! I was in terrible pain (and this coming from someone who had a drug free birth lol), was bleeding and scabby, engorged and then finally came down with mastitis.
I'm now pregnant with number two and am already nervous about it again, there's so much pressure for everyone to do it but what if I can't again?