As we walked into Customs in Los Angeles we were weary and exhausted, but excited to finally be on Terra Firma. We lined up to see the Customs Officer, enthused by the first sounds of American accents and bewildered by the Immigration process.
Each visitor lined up, had their photos taken and gave their thumbprints. We trudged along through the long lines, until finally it was our turn.
We pulled out our passports and our paperwork and readied ourselves for a bit of interrogation. What we didn’t expect was the interrogation that we got.
Officer: Hello. Where y’all from?
Us {in mustered enthusiastic unison}: Australia
Officer: Oh, welcome. Is this Lacey? {He said eyeing Lacey’s passport and pointing to her}.
Me: Yep.
Officer {as he glanced at me}: Stand there and I’ll take your photo.
Me: OK.
Officer: About time for another baby?
Me: Huh?
{Insert our usual bundle of responses: lack of sleep, sometime soon, one day}
It starts from the moment you pass the six month mark of dating. The questions start rolling in, hints at marriage and of course, “Is he the one?” Then after the wedding it’s all about starting a family. I quickly learnt that after getting hitched it was difficult to wear a baby doll dress, or be designated driver without raising some serious eyebrows.
We wanted to wait for a few months after we were married before starting a family so we could enjoy being a couple and be a little bit selfish, and so it was months and months of fielding questions about babies. I had someone ask me when I was due more than once, and I even had someone congratulate me and rub my belly, only for me to tell them that I wasn’t pregnant… and I was just chubby. Awkward for both parties really.
Once the first baby is born it’s really open slather for questions about more kids too. I remember even in that first week with a unsettled newborn on our hands people asked us whether we’d have more. More? I could still clearly remember the birth, I wasn’t even considering going back for seconds. Not in a hurry anyhow.
And then we were getting pressure from the customs officer in America to have more babies. I couldn’t have been more surprised, even whilst being overwhelmed with exhaustion.
We gathered our luggage and found our gate to our connecting flight. We set up camp so we could try and get some shut-eye before landing in Orlando. A cleaner sat in the seats across from us to have her break, and was enamoured by Lacey’s presence. I shut my eyes to block out the fluorescent airport lighting and listened as the cleaner and Lacey chatted.
Cleaner: What’s your name?
Lacey: Lacey
Cleaner: You’re so cute!
Lacey: Giggle.
Cleaner: I think you need a little sister or brother. Wouldn’t you like a little sister?
I squinted through my weary eyes to take a peek at the cleaner. Was she serious? We’d on been in the States for merely an hour and already the pressure was on to pro-create.
I closed my eyes again, and attempted to drift off to sleep…
Have you ever had ‘pressure’ to get married? Have kids? Have more kids? Or something else? How do you handle it?
Oh Chantelle, I can relate. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and we have been getting the “when are you getting married?” and “why hasnt he popped the question?” questions for about 5 of them.
It's never ending.
And it still astounds me that anyone would ever be so bold is just to assume someone is pregnant! It's so bloody rude. That's the kind of thing you wait to be told!
I can relate, so well.
Firstly, I can relate to people thinking I was pregnant when I was just plain old chubby. It used to happen a lot. It happened when we were going through painful years of unexplained infertility so the hurt was amplified.
And even now, now we finally have three, and now that I am over 40people ask me when we are having another?!!
XX
All of what you say has happened to us, including the due date pronouncement when I was really just a bit well, overweight. Really, it kind of irks me that complete strangers offer opinion in this way. They don't know your situation and heaven forbid should something prevent you from being able to have another they would also be bringing up a super emotional issue too. I think sometimes people say things for the sake of saying something and don't really think it through. I really try very hard not to make similar comments as asking those questions assumes that people will stick to some kind of societal norms and that's so not needed to be a happy person. Can you tell this bugs me a bit? 😉
Yes, all the time! Having an only child brings it out big time in people. I'm thinking that now he's 11 (my only child, that is) and I'm the good old age of 39, the comments will surely start to dwindle. Let's hope it doesn't turn into the 'regret' interegation…”don't you wish..” “if only you could have…” Agh! Will it ever end??
My partner and I were together a month when someone asked “When are you guys planning to have children?”
Um, what now?
I wanted to give them a lecture about asking that question, and also the fact that I have an intellectually delayed child who takes up most of my time. But most of all, Serious? We'd been together a month!
Oh yeah, I've been there.
My husband and I have been married for only a year, we recently celebrated our anniversary in March. I still remember how just a few months after getting married, people were asking about babies. A year later, people are acting like its the weirdest thing to not have any children yet. Every time I tell them we want to wait it out a bit longer, they're baffled. They also comment on when, where, how many, and how far apart I should have them! I hate it :/
Happens all the time! We've only been married 3 weeks and already people have said “now the wedding is done you must be having another one soon?”. Heaven forbid we should have a big age gap or I may want to enjoy our honeymoon without feeling hormonal and pregnant!
My blog has touched on this recently. We get it all the time. Our son is about the same age as Lacey, and everyone says exactly the same things. That Nick needs a playmate, would be a good big brother, do we want more? At first I was hesitant to tell people we do, it just hasn't happened yet. On the one hand I feel I should defend our right to choose to only have 1 if that's what we want! On the other, I don't want people to know that it hasn't happened, and that we have an appointment with a fertility specialist lined up. But then I TOLD someone that, and the response has been great. They all leave me alone now! Except for a couple of them (friends of friends this is) who have been great and encouraging and empathetic. I had an epiphany in therapy the other day. We are always waiting for the next big event in our life. Today is the biggest event in our lives…what comes tomorrow will come. Just enjoy today. Today, we have 1 gorgeous healthy happy beautiful son. Sorry, got on a bit of a tangent there..
No thank goodness – I'm the 4th in my family, my husband the 3rd – there was always someone closer to home who was getting married or having a kid, which meant that we were never bothered. My mum wanted me to have a second one, but I kept telling her to shut up or I never would!
I'm constantly being asked when I'm going back to work. 'Must be time to get back to work now', 'You must need to start contributing to the family now'.
Even when I told people I'm pregnant again, it's quickly followed with: “But what about going back to work?”
I've never had anyone mistake me for being pregnant but I have had someone look at my five year old and say, 'Is this your grandson?' Trust me, you'd rather be mistaken for youthful and chubby than a little old granny.
Mr Posy and I have been together for nine years this year – people are still pressuring us about setting the date, and have been long before he proposed… three years ago.
Some people have stopped harassing us about the wedding, and have now moved on to “when are you having babies?”. Jeez. We'll get around to the wedding and babies when we're good and ready!
Try being together for a tad over 10 years before getting engaged – the endless questioning about when we would get married and now – even though we're not married yet, every time I even hold a baby there is the usual questioning… “oh i bet you're getting clucky” and “oh you look so good with a baby… hint hint”. I don't even want kids and even if I decide to have them it won't be for a very long time. I wish everyone would keep it to themselves. If they're so excited about people having babies perhaps they can just have their own and stop bugging me!
Wow, isn;t asking that a little rude??? When I was pregnant with Bella no one thought I was really pregnant because I always carried a little belly.
I always get asked when I will have number Two especially now that Bella is going on 4 but they don't know that we are trying to & have been trying it's just not working.
Just yesterday actually! The security man here asked if BuBba had a sister (not a brother) and asked if we would be having another baby – “he needs a partner”. Ummm, ok??? I just smiled and muttered under my breath lol
BuBbles
x.
I feel your pain!
My now Fiance and I have been together for 4 years, I met his parents after 3.5 years, 2nd time meeting them I got a grilling from his sisters about wanting kids.
3rd time meeting them I got bombarded by his mum & sisters
– do I want to be married before kids
– do I know I'm getting old (was 32 at the time) to have first kid, need to get a move on
– how many kids do I want
Now 3 and a bit years later I am constantly given hints, pretty much every time we see his family.
We got engaged in Feb, and thought that would ease the pressure, but no, they've already moved onto scheduling when our baby would be born if we fell pregnant this year, and the age difference between youngest cousin and our non-existent child!
We're getting married in July, I'm counting on the questions to come spurting forward pretty much as we say I Do!!
Mel – http://oursurpriseweddingjuly2011.blogspot.com/
Great post Chantelle!
I have 4 kiddos and I still get the odd question about whether we will have another (usually by my mother or if it comes up in conversation with girlfriends). I never copped any 'when are you having another' type questions because I fell pregnant again when the eldest was was only 9 months old. craziness!
It's not something I question other people on, we all have our own maternal instinct…it's not something you can or should have to explain to someone else. I have friends with no children, 1 child and the whole range upwards from there, they all have their reasons why and if they want to tell me why then they will.
Questions from totally random people are rude, there are so many other personal, 'none of your business questions' you could ask them in return…It's like the open slather on belly rubs when you are obviously pregnant, just rude.
However it's not something random people tend to ask with any malicious intent or underlying judgement (unlike the judgement you might be copping from family and friends whose reasons for asking likely come from another angle) so it's the type of question where, personally, i'll grin and nod and move on…comment to me 'looks like you've got your hands full' though and my blood boils!
Tatum xx
I hear ya!!
My husband and I have been married close to 2 years and desperately want a child. We've been trying since we got married and to no avail. Recently I found out I have Poly-cystic Ovaries so its going to be a huge struggle to conceive.
People ask all the time when we're going to have kids and I don't think they're ever really prepared for the answer! Sometimes I just want to scream!! I just wonder why people think it's their divine right to know the answer to that question and why they have such an urge to ask it.
It's so frustrating!! And painful!! People don't even think twice before asking. I feel like saying to them “Is there nothing more interesting in your line up of small talk than to bring something so personal up?!” Of course, I never say that, but inside I feel like screaming at them!!
Sure, we get this a bit (DS is 19mths) but to be honest it doesnt bother me much – people want something to talk about, and most people are enamoured with the idea of babies and think the world should be full of cute little people – so why wouldn't you have more!
Funnily enough i get the almost opposite from my mum – 'oh but you'll only have two wont you… three would be SO much work, SO much more effort / expense / reqts for bedrooms, cars etc' Hubby says we should have 3 just to prove a point lol!
There's a four year gap batween our first and second, so sure, we got all the questions. I was sick, having weight issues and even though we were open to another, it just wasn't happening. So it hurt a little when the in-laws asked AND got really old when it was one of the first things that was mentioned every time we saw them. Eventually we answered with 'We'd like to, and it's not like we're not trying!' With a cheeky little grin and sideways glance. Usually did the trick to shut them up. At least until the next time…
We've just had our third and we still get asked. The answer now is a pretty firm 'No. We're done.'
It is the statements I get “you need to have a sister or brother for Amelie” that really throw me.
Questions are annoying but statements are downright rude.
They are often innocent enough but the ignorance of telling a complete stranger what to do just astounds me.
I'm slowly learning to ignore with good effect but sometimes I have to fight the urge to lecture.
I remember going to a Doctor for a repeat prescription when I was about 27 years old, out of the blue he asked me when I was going to have kids, then he told me “you are not a spring chicken anymore”. He was not my regular Dr & knew nothing of my life circumstances, even if I was in a stable relationship. Talk about inappropriate.
My little Alexis will be 4 months old next Saturday, and already I'm fielding questions about the next baby.
When I said to someone that I was quite happy with one and may or may not have another, she took the liberty of telling me not to be selfish!
*sigh*
Hi Chantelle…we ended up having our first 3 kids each 3 years apart so of course there was pressure in between each one. Then we had another 2 years after no.3 and then a fifth another 2 years after that. Then there was pressure to STOP!!lol..it seems people have their own ideas about how many is too few or too many and feel very free to communicate these ideas pretty constantly! By the way the bunting would be ideal for you..cut it out with pinking shears and attach it somehow to some tape or ribbon or string and it works! Have a lovely day.
You do make cute babie 😉
Oh my gosh I agree completely.
My husband and I have been married for a little over three years and are constantly interrogated about when we are going to start a family, however the worst occurred just yesterday.
I was visiting my regular alterations lady when she rubbed my tummy and asked if I was pregnant. I was wearing a baby doll dress at the time however I'm sure I didn't look pregnant. I was mortified! All I could do was frown and shake my head. I'll never wear that dress again!!
Oh Chantelle, this post is funny. Granted, I think it would be a little frustrating for you, especially when you're on tour, trying to enjoy a new country and family time. But it's incredible how people always like to put the pressure on… I am conscious not to do this to my friends and family.
I'll never forget a couple of comments after the birth of our second boy. Literally 2 hours after, one of my brothers said “well you're going to have to go for a third… to try for a girl!” aaaarrrggghhhh, THAT is the most frustrating thing I seem to get, even if it's tongue in cheek. I'd dearly love a little lady one day, but a healthy baby is paramount!
P.S. I think you're right, we are neighbours… I live just up the road from Centennial Park, fab part of the world :o)
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Oh Chantelle, I think that people like to make conversation. And after the weather, this is the default. I've had two kids, and get asked if I'm going to go again. And when the kids are all done, what will people ask next, I wonder?
xx
I know the feeling! For ages after Keeli was born, people were asking if/when we'd have another.
What people didn't know is that I was incredibly sleep deprived and had PND. We honestly didn't want to go through that again, and that's the answer we gave them. Boy are people going to get a shock when we tell them we're pregnant again (if we're lucky enough for it to happen)!
I actually thought I looked pregnant again a few months ago, I had a definite jelly belly happening, and wasn't at all suprised when people gave the jelly belly a good look over. I don't think I would've been too offended if someone thought that i was pregnant- I had a belly. Little did they know I was working my butt of to try and get rid of it 🙂
Incredibly frustrating and I now have two healthy beautiful boys and I am constantly asked if I am disappointed I don't have a girl and we should keep trying for a girl. I am thankful for the two wonderful children I have and these comments (usually from family) just make me sad for them.
oh that's funny! I have to say I'd just had the twins and then elodie and people would say going for one more? how many more are you going to have? or are you done yet? it never ends!
my sister has 1 and instead of family asking her is she having another one they just ask me is she having another one/trying/done yet?!
corrie:)
Don't get me started, this is a pet hate of mine. It is NO ONES flippin business if or when you are to have kids. I got diagnosed with PCO, and it took us a while to get preggers with both our daughters, and it just made it more stressful to have to deal with rude people asking us all the time. Now we get asked if we are going to try for a boy, and I tell them I am happy with my two children. Their gender is not important, I am grateful to be a mummy full stop.
I'm 41 and people are still asking me if I'll be having a third. Er, no.