The meddling mama.

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We live across from a park. When we were thinking of buying the house it was a positive for me. ‘It’s right across from a park,’ I thought, ‘Lacey will have SO much fun!’

Problem is, it’s like living across from an Ice Cream Parlour. It’s always there, beckoning to be visited. Lacey would much rather be at the park all day than playing at home with her own things, and for a Mama who works from home and tries to get work done, it makes things hard{er}. It’s a battle juggle every single day. I know when she’s old enough to play alone I’ll be rejoicing the existence of the park, right now I’m loving it for short periods a day, but there is only so much swing-pushing a parent can do.

Last week Lacey spotted 3 little neighbourhood friends at the park, all at least 3-5 years older than her, and asked if she could play with them. I took her over to the park, and watched her from our front balcony {all of 100m away from her}. I knew something was up as soon as she ran over, the girls spotted her and ran for the swings so that Lacey couldn’t get on them. She’s a swing-lover {or hog} and they wanted them before she did. Totally normal park behaviour, and I’ve seen enough park play in my years to deem myself an expert.

But then things got nasty. I watched as the three girls teased Lacey and gave her a hard time. I watched her shoulders drop and her confidence crush. She came running home with little tears falling down her face. “They’re being mean to me,” she confided in between sobs.

“Come on then, let’s play at home,” I suggested, “What do you want to play?”

Lacey wiped her little face, put a smile back on and pleaded, “I want to go back and play now. It’s OK.”

She’s everything I wasn’t as a child. She’s confident and outgoing, she’s sassy and resilient. As a nanny and a mother I’ve always been the mother hen. I wanted to keep those kids under my wings and protected from any harm or hurt forever. It’s one of the hardest things about parenting for me; letting go.

So, I took her back over to the park and I chatted to the girls, “Hey girls. What’s going on? What are you chatting about?” I greeted them. “I know Lacey is a bit younger than you guys, so if you don’t want to play with her, that’s fine. Just let her know that you’re going to do your own thing. But please don’t be mean to her.” And then I looked down at Lacey and said the same, “I know you want to play with the big girls, but they might want to do their own thing. Play nice, and don’t be mean, OK?”

Ugh. The meddling mama.

So, I went back and watched them from afar. They played for a little bit, words were exchanged and Lacey came home crying again. She recovered and insisted that she go back. My heart said no, but my head said yes. So I let her go.

I watched the same thing happen again. I looked over and Lacey was sitting by herself, slumped over, crying. The girls were running off, yelling at the same time that the park was private property and she shouldn’t be there. I retrieved her and brought her back home. Let it be known that I don’t have a perfect child. When I say she’s sassy, I mean that she’ll bite back and defend herself for as much as she can handle.

Again, she quickly recovered and wanted to go back to play with them. I couldn’t bear it any longer. My heart ached. I rattled off a list of fun alternatives: going to the beach, walking the dog, playing a board game, watching a movie… anything but that. A meltdown ensued which lasted over an hour. I played the role of the mean mama who wouldn’t let the little girl play with her ‘friends’ and no alternative play ideas would suffice.

Later when Hubby returned home from work I retold the story, as well as how mad and sad it all made me. “Kids can be so mean!” I exclaimed. Hubby, who is always the logical one, tried to remind me that it’s how kids are… suggesting that I might need to take a step back.

I know that eventually I will. I also know bigger problems are ahead of us with her school years yet to come. But it’s so hard not to meddle, to go in and sort things out and make things OK. I’ve still got my parenting training wheels on, don’t I?

Do you find it hard to let go? Or do you think it’s important to let them learn and discover life lessons along the way? Are you a bit of a meddling mama like me?

YELLOW-BREAK

photo credit: Craig Sunter *Click-64* via photopin cc

32 thoughts on “The meddling mama.”

  1. Oh I am so with you… other peoples kids are so meeean, aren’t they? 🙂 Mine are all adults now, but I’m still a Mother Hen; wanting to protect them from the mean kids. It’s so difficult to keep out of it! Looks like I’ve still got my training wheels on too… lol Jude.x

  2. I’ve three boys 23,17 and 11. Fun and games with those age differences. I have been around the playground for a long time so to speak. It has taken a while for me to learn to stand back and with 3rd boy now I have slowly learnt when to become the primal mother and when to let them sort their stuff out. Boys seem to sort be a bit better at working their issues out unlike girls who tend to go for the jugular. I work in early childcare and see these little witches start this bullying crap from as young as 2. Building resliance in our kids will be our greatest gift to them. But sometimes they still need their mums or dads to speak up until they find their voice.
    Lea-Ann.

  3. A bit of both.
    i hate seeing children being mean to each other, and I find it really hard to refrain from stepping in. I know that Ella (almost 4) needs to learn these lessons, but on the other hand, I also know that sometimes children (including my own I am sure) need to be reminded what the correct behaviour is.
    Staff at daycare say that they do not like to step in unless necessary, however part of their role is to teach, and in many cases, children need to be taught the right way to behave because they do not necessarily know.
    For example, Ella has a friend that will not let her copy. It sounds like they get quite excited about it all. I have told Ella that is ok, not to worry about it, but if someone else wants to copy her, she should let them because it means they like her idea.
    I want Ella to learn that when someone is mean to her, that is not cool, and that means it is absolutely unacceptable for her to act in the same way.
    Rant over. 🙂

  4. eeek I have to much trouble with this! Even now I have to stop myself from fronting up at school sometimes….high school included…and telling everyone to play nicely !!!

  5. I don’t think you were a meddling mum by sparking conversation with the other girls and pointing out a few behaviour rules. The fact that those kids still were mean to Lacey afterwards just proves that they aren’t the kind of kids you want her to make friends with anyway. My kids learned the hard way, I had then in daycare a few days per week from a young age and they had to learn what kids to be friends with and what friends not to be friends with – I’m pleased to report that those skills have stayed with them through to school, we are now heading into High School Territory – THAT will be a test of those skills

  6. I don’t have kids yet but I agree with Deb. I don’t think you were meddling at all and feel like I may have done the same thing in the same situation.

  7. Oh Chantelle, It’s SO hard huh! You were very diplomatic, I’m impressed. I think it’s different with boys, they are more rough than mean but I’m sure I’ll get my does of this as my little Pip and Elke get older.

    xo e

  8. I have meddled! kids need to be spoken to (sometimes) when they’re treating others badly. i have stepped in and said things along the same lines before and it has helped to diffuse the situation somewhat. wow, those were some pretty mean girls 🙁 quite sad really.

  9. Oh I am gonna find this stuff so hard to deal with. It brings back so many painful personal memories that I am going to struggle to separate my memories from my kids current experiences. My baby girl has cerebral palsy so I know her road is probably going to be rougher than most with teasing etc and I was already terrified of having a girl as I know how mean girls can be but even more so now. Gaah having kids is so hard!

  10. Poor little Lacey!! I think you handled it brilliantly Chantelle. I’m all for meddling! It just shows you have very strong maternal instincts. Because I was bullied at school, I am sensitive to that and will never put up with anyone bullying my two. Both my kids are smaller than the rest of the kids in their classes and my son is shy and hasn’t really developed a protective mechanism. He has been hit by other kids and just doesn’t say anything to the teachers. (Luckily another mum was there and stepped in {meddled}) So I have them learning karate in the hopes that should they need to defend themselves they have the necessary skills to block anyone trying to hit them. I’m hoping it will develop their co-ordination and confidence too. Good luck with the ‘mean girls’. xoxo

  11. ohh i soooo know this… just the other day at the park we had a similar situation…. my son riley (5) always plays with another boy he meets up with who is a couple of years older..and they have a great time playing heros in there “base” with their “weapon stash” (pine cones/twigs) but this time his friend was playing with 2 other boys his own age..and they didnt want to play with Ry..which is fine …but poor lil ry just kept on trying to join in …as he was “sure” they wernt leaving him out on purpose …. it is heart breaking to watch ..but as long as you are there i think you can also manage a certain amount of how it can effect them …and i think its great to chat to both sides…. also sometimes when kids are in a little group they dont even realise how mean they are being…sometimes they need a little reminding of otherpeoples feelings …xx

    • Isn’t that hard when they aren’t really even aware of how much faith they have in the ‘bullies’?

      I’m more ‘burn me once, and we’re done’ kinda way, where she was so willing to go back and play.

  12. It is tough, no one wants their child to be odd one out. I have stepped in before, and the kids all look at you like they understand, then they just act the same. There were times when I just said no, you can’t play with them, it is too painful for us both. In the end, letting them work it out seems best. They have to learn sometime that there will be some people you just can’t get through to. If only one of the girls had been there with Lacey, it would probably have shown you how nice she was. I always loved telling my daughter to ignore them and have fun. The swings don’t seem so cool if no one wants them. No matter what, it is hard.

  13. i try not to meddle…we live in a cul de sac with 5 older kids then my own and one younger.
    my eldest (daughter) fits in pretty easy with most kids, she’s confident and there has never been a time where she’s been picked on or left out, my sensitive soul (boy) can be a little rough and full on, he is often not included in the games and gets kicked out of their yards…he runs in crying and i find it tough but i need him to build the skills to survive this without me….i cannot be in school and friends houses…i cannot save him all the time.
    i do use these opportunities to teach my eldest to be protective over her little brother and to make sure when others will not include them, she stick up for him and not run with the crowd.
    parenting is hard but i agree with hubby, kids are mean and we have to teach ours to use manners, be kind and include others but we also have to make them aware that some kids are mean and we have to rise above and find resolve in our own ways.
    the only time i meddle now is when my children are physically hurt….THAT i will not EVER tolerate! and that goes both ways, if my children do it to someone else, i WILL march them up to the house and hear them use their manner.

  14. I think you handed it well Telle. You let her stand on her own two feet and then spoke to both the older girls and Lacey. If Lacey is 4 and they are 3-5 years older then they totally know better, particularly after being warned to speak nicely. I would have pointed out to Lacey that you would let her play in the park with friends but that those girls are not her friends because they are not looking after her heart and are hurting her feelings. It can be hard to watch our little ones learn life lessons but well done on being there to wipe the tears

    • That is brilliant advice. Why couldn’t I think of that then? So simple and precise and easy to understand. Instead I ended up arguing back and forth for that hour while she had a meltdown that she wasn’t to play with them because they were mean. I should have explained it better.

      Thanks Chelle. xxx

  15. I think I would have done the same as you Chantelle, not easy when Lacey kept wanting to go back to them, I cannot tolerate bratty,rude or bullying children..but it is true that they need to find their way eventually. It’s a hard one and mistakes will be made on both side over the years.

  16. I would have done exactly the same thing. Though I’d like to throttle cruel children, I know it’s just a fact of life we’re going to have to face! I think you had a nice blend of giving her space to hurt and learn, and also ensuring things were fair for everyone. I would have told my kid at the end that this isn’t how “friends” behave, and if someone is doing that, then to go do something else or find someone else to play with. But kids are so resilient, they give everyone so many second chances!
    It’s our job to help them help themselves, girl, and I think you did it well.

  17. As a mum of 6 kids I can confidently tell you Chantelle that those training wheels…..they’re there for LIFE!! I’m still learning something new every day. I’m all for a reasonable amount of meddling, but I try to help my kids to handle it themselves, giving them the words they are trying to find but can’t quite put together, giving them alternatives. Then if they choose not to take them, they learn a lesson. I think you handled this situation beautifully. Just last holidays were were having a playdate at the park when a boy of about 4yrs old started belting other kids with a large stick. Apparently his mum was MIA, so I didn’t hesitate to ask him politely but sternly for the stick and tell him that we don’t hit other people with sticks because it is dangerous. He did as he was told and kept playing. I made sure I was in full view of other mums and they heard what I said. Approaching other people’s kids is a risky business, but something had to be done before someone lost an eye. Kids generally move on from these situations and forget about them, but us mums, our hearts break for them and we wish we could protect them from all the hurt. Just keep doing what you feel is best at the time and you’ll be on the right track.

  18. I’m not usually the meddling mum, we sometimes do role play at home as layla struggles with what to say when someone is being mean to her…. I like to give them ideas so they are not stuck when someone is being bossy or nasty. However on the weekend we went rollerskating, I sat on the side line and watched the kids having a great time, the limbo started which is there favourite , they both try so hard. so you can imagine my son’s excitment when he got to the last 4 kids. They all tried to go under the bar but all knocked it so if this happens usually they all get another go until they get a winner but this time for some silly reason the lady running it didn’t let my son have a go only the other 3 which were all girls. I asked why and she said “I just said the last 3 could have a go” so my son was quite upset.we walked off and I tried to comfort him and tell don’t worry, the lady’s just being silly it’s not fair all the things I would usually say but after a few minutes I was really annoyed. it didn’t seem fair to me so I meddled!!!! I approached the owner of the rink and told her how annoyed I was and how unfair the situation was and that my child should have another go right now!!!! My husband was so embarrassed but I didn’t care I am sick of watching my kids suffer because of others weather it’s from other kids being mean or adults. Sometimes I think you have to meddle and sometimes you do need to let them sort things out themselves. Hopefully it gets easier for both you and Lacey. Kids are mean, you just need to raise a little girl that’s strong and doesn’t let it bother her….. think she’s nearly there. x

  19. Oh gosh I’d totally meddle in those circumstances. Those kids were old enough to be reminded to treat people how they like to be treated. I would have meddled whether I saw that happen to my kid or someone elses. As for your little one wanting to keep going back – well that’s the heartbreaking part 🙁

  20. Oh man. Without going in to the very long story/stories behind my feelings…unfortunately there are mean girls out there and all we can do is guide our own girls to be kind and choose friends who respect them and make them feel good about themselves and yes, they do need to discover that for themselves to really understand it. No one deserves to be treated the way those girls treated Lacey, you handled the situation really well. It is truly heartbreaking when our children are hurt by others. T xx

  21. You did your best. Poor dear, children can be so cruel. I’d have really let them have it, so I guess I’m “that” mom! I’m a major meddler, way too much of a mama bear probably!

  22. You’ve done something right in the fact that she can get over it quickly and want to go back and try again. That’s a life lesson in itself!

  23. I watch for a while and try to hold my tongue. However, if it keeps happening the kids get talked to. I tell my eldest that sometimes kids just don’t want to play with you. Which is a hard reality, but the truth. I’m usually right there though. We don’t have a park across from us, so I’m always as close as the park bench. Kids seem to be slightly better behaved when there is an adult glaring at them if they start acting out of line.

  24. My son is 10 on Wednesday and I still deal with this. He is emotionally immature for his age and the youngest in his class. It’s so hard. But we’ve discovered that he actually plays better with kids half his age…they look up to him and it’s a boost to his confidence. That does my heart good. 🙂

  25. That same thing happened to my daughter when she was about 4. Em just wanted to play with someone and kept trying to follow these girls around. They were a couple of years older than her. I saw it happening and it broke my heart, but nothing was really mean…..until one of the girls stopped and PUSHED Em so that she fell down and yelled ‘stop following us, stupid!’. The girl’s mother was too busy talking to her friend to pay attention to what her daughter had just done. I went over, brushed Em off and said ‘Come on, let’s go play with someone else. You don’t want to play with brats.’ loud enough for the girls to hear me. It was petty, but I was so upset that I was fighting back tears. In the years that have followed I’ve learned to let her work things out herself, but as she gets older I’m more on the lookout for her excluding or being mean to the younger ones who used to be her. I don’t want her to be one of those mean girls. It helps that her younger sister is 5 years younger so she’s used to including younger ones. I think you handled it perfectly and I agree with Michelle. Those girls definitely weren’t what we would define as friends.

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