You know that feeling you get when you wake up and you feel excited, and you can’t quite remember why you’re all filled with a humming buzz of anticipation. And then through your weary state, once the fog starts to lift, you realise that it’s your birthday, or it’s the weekend, or you’ve got a great day ahead planned or perhaps it’s just that right now your life is pretty darn amazing.
For some instead of excitement, there is sadness. You wake and feel an underlying sense of sadness and can’t quite remember why, and then before long it hits you. The reason for your sadness presents itself, and you go on with your day with the blue haze lingering.
This is how it feels for me to lose a loved one. In the early days it’s hardest, after passing out at night with mental exhaustion, to wake and almost feel like things were normal… and then to realise that it wasn’t. That life wasn’t the same. That sadness wasn’t some sort of uncomfortable dream, instead here to stay.
This year, 2011, hasn’t been the kindest of years. It’s had it’s moments for sure, seeing Lacey grow into a little girl, my sister getting engaged and married, career highlights, friends becoming parents, traveling overseas and more. But in May when my father-in-law, Bluey, passed away there’s been a big hole missing in our lives ever since. He was a big, big part of our everyday. He is so missed. Just the other day Lacey said from the back of the car, “Mama, I miss my Pop-Pop.”
Tears instantly feel down my face and I nodded, “I know.”
There’s not much more I can say than that. We’ve explained where he is. That he’s always with us. I try and talk about him with her, but it hurts.
I’ve always known that it’s often hard at certain times of the year for people who are living without a loved one. I never realised how hard. For those who are setting one less place at the table this Christmas, I send you my love. I wish you joy and strength.
When Bluey first went into hospital and we knew (thought) he’d come home – he talked about the video we made last summer. He was so fiercely proud of us, whatever we did. He was the sort of father-in-law that would talk with pride about us to anyone who would listen. He was everyone’s friend. At the time he was in the hospital he hadn’t seen the video. He held my hand and joked that he was a movie star and needed to come home and see himself starring in the video.
He never came home and he never saw the video. I hope they have the internets in Heaven. Here you go Bluey, our star. xx
I'm sure he keeps an eye on you all.I do hope you will be able to have a wonderful Christmas, the 1st of anything after you lose someone you love is always difficult. I hope you have a very happy healthy 2012. Your father-in-law will always be with you and your shared memories with Lacey of him will always be precious.
a) Chantelle, you have extraordinary video production skills
b) Lacey is just SO adorable
c) Am sure Bluey would be extremely proud and happy
Merry Christmas Chantelle. x
Thinking of you this Christmas xx
Oh Love! Thinking of you all. Hope that soggy sadness it's a little lighter soon x
Beautiful post for me on a day that's a little difficult for me xx
Oh that is beautiful, and lovely to have as a keepsake. I am sure he has seen it now…;)
I always find irony in how death can suck the life out of the living too…. Thinking of all who 'are setting one less place at the table' – so beautifully said.
heavy hearted for you.
xxxxxxx
What lively memories for you in the times of sadness xx
they better have the internets in heaven or I aint going! 😛
I have a friend who lost her teenage son on the 23rd of dec and every year I feel for her. it must suck hard to have that feeling.
I miss my nan every year at xmas. she loved this time of year, it just doesnt feel the same!
Big hugs in memory of Bluey. I'll be lighting a candle for my mum and father in law this Sunday. Thinking of you. x
((hugs))
my heart aches for you. i know that feeling too xxx
Sending lots of love and {{{BIG HUGS}}} at this time. I can only imagine what it must feel like.
Thinking of you. xx
What a lovely little video too.
Such a wonderful post that perfectly explains those feelings. Don't worry, I'm sure Bluey saw the video! My dad has been gone for 12 years now and when I set out the Santa he bought for me 35 years or so ago this year, I could see him in Santa's rosy cheeks and smiling eyes. Even though he's gone from earth, I know each time I'm gazing at the ocean my dad is near…I'm sure Bluey is too. Hugs to you and your family!
This was very moving for me. I lost my dad in November last year and find sadness creeps up at the most unexpected moments.
Thinking of you and wishing you more of the joy.
Lo9vely post….it is definitely tricky dealing with sadness during this festive season….family helps though and making sure you keep that special person's memory alive.Have a lovely Christmas
<3
moved & understood
What lovely words… I lost my Mum this year and Christmas was hard, it was also her birthday on the 22/12 and she would have been 80!
But my dad gave me a poem that was sent to him from the alzeimher's association :
I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below, with tiny lights like Heaven's stars,reflecting on the snow. The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear, for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart, but I am not so far away, we really aren't apart. So be happy for me dear ones, you know I hold you dear and be glad I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
It does go on and yes it is religious ( but my Mum was) but I thought it was lovely just the same.
I hope that it helps in some way, I knowmitmis hard. I find it so.
Take care and happy new year to you.
Cathy
instant shiney eyes reading this and makes me ache inside……….for you and the amazing relationship the 3 of you had with him, have always loved the way you describe things you have a gift with words and even now he is/would be proud smooch and thanks for sharing that adorable litte movie lisa xx
Who would contain think about this.
Oh my, such tears on a Tuesday morning. I am sure Bluey was looking out for your family just the other day – hugs to all of you.
I totally understand the feeling when you just wake up and realize somethong’s missing. I lost my mum 3 months ago and I still believe it’s impossible that she’s not here anymore. The pain is just indescribable.