The boat headed out a few minutes from the island, preparing to drop us off. Each metre it drove, my heart started racing more. My mouth dried out, and my mind started thinking all the thoughts. All of them.
I watched others put their gear on, so I followed. First I zipped up my wetsuit, and then I placed my flippers on my feet. I watched on as each person jumped confidently into the water, and I willed myself to do the same.
“Can I sit down and slide in?” I asked.
“You can do it however you like,” the skipper replied.
So I sat down and made my way in, awkwardly.
The water below me was vast and deep, the waves were full and cranky. In that moment, legs dangling in the water with waves bobbing at my neck, I realised that I was smack-bang in the middle of the ocean.
My lungs shrunk to {what seemed like} a quarter of the size and my breathing became shallow. It was like someone had sucked the air out of me. Each breath became more difficult, until I wasn’t sure that I would be able to get the next one. Short shallow breaths were all that I could muster. I knew at that time I was meant to put on my snorkel and mask, but hampering my breathing by shoving something in my mouth was impossible. The waves kept crashing into me. They weren’t huge, but in my mind they were threatening. Salt water was splashing over my face, and my breathing was becoming shallower. Panic started to set in and I realised I either needed to swim to the boat and jump aboard, or go forward.
Hubby jumped in after me and could see the panic in my eyes. “You OK?” he asked.
By that stage I wasn’t OK. I was panicked by the situation, but panicked further by being in the middle of the ocean panicking. “I’m having a panic attack,” I told him.
“Just breathe. You’ll be fine. Keep breathing.”
I knew that I needed to breathe, but it was made more difficult by the salt water constantly splashing at my face, the deep ocean below, the unknown and the need to put my mask and snorkel on.
My mind is powerful though, and I knew that beyond the panic attack was an experience I’d eventually enjoy, so I breathed. I breathed deep, from the pit of my stomach until my lungs were full and the panic eased. My breathing became less shallow and I concentrated on the breathing. The ocean, and the mystery of what was below me waited. I breathed. I breathed again. I felt my heart stop racing, and before long I was ready to put on my mask and snorkel and swim.
So I did.
Beyond the panic was magic. I swam with a turtle for the first time in my life, and by swam I mean it was right there with me, we were within a metre of each other.
I had moments of panic throughout the hour and half trip, and I had to remind myself to breathe. I’d roll over, catch sight of the boat, make sure I was near the rest of the group, and breathe. Hubby was well aware that I was freaking out, he grabbed my hand at various points and just swam with me. The panic didn’t take away from the joy of the experience, if anything it somehow made it even sweeter.
I don’t know what I was afraid of, I just was. Fear or panic isn’t always rational, in fact I hear it rarely is. Maybe I was afraid of sharks, maybe it was the vulnerability of being so vulnerable, maybe it was just panic for the sake of panic. It’s a common thing that I get from everyday life experiences, some as simple as finding a car park. The very next day I sat in a submarine, and had another panic attack. The lady in front of me was telling me about her kids, and I subconsciously willed her to keep sharing her stories so I didn’t lose it. In that moment I thought I might die. Not from the submarine, but from my inability to breathe. It was real, and scary.
To live, to really live, I have to make a conscious decision not to let it win, which makes it an exhausting battle at times. So exhausting. I hate being in my own head sometimes {so noisy!}. But I refuse to stop myself from living and experiencing because of it.
Do you get anxiety? What does it feel like for you?
I used to be super anxious and scared of stuff, I even had a nervous breakdown. Then I went through cancer treatment, now nothing scares me. We will all die, some never know when so to put life on hold because of fear is wasteful. Look up, cross the road, swim in the ocean (go deep), laugh out loud, let tears fall…just live! Suck everything outa every minute?
As much as I am a strong swimmer and really enjoy snorkelling and spending time at the beach, I also tend to freak out a bit when I’m in water that’s either (a) too deep to touch and/or (b) when I can’t see the bottom (eg. not wearing a snorkel). I’m acutely aware that in the ocean we are far from the top of the food chain!
I am super scared of everything too. Especially flying! But it was starting to impact my everyday life, and I couldn’t even go on a holiday with my family. So I went and had hypnotherapy which helped me calm all the thoughts. Never looked back! We just returned from out first family holiday in Fiji xx
I am a worrier, an epic worrier to the point of inaction, but so far, no panic attacks. But one of my children is dealing with this, at the moment on an almost daily level, and sometimes it feels so hopeless and impossible, like there is no way out for either of us…
So it means a lot to read your words. It means a lot to hear that anxiety is not the end of the world, that it is not even an entirely bad thing… yes it’s hard and exhausting… but it’s livable.
Thank you.
I was really bad after my first child. I would arrive at a shopping centre and just stand in the middle of the crowd and silently freak out, until I had the power to move my legs and leave (with no shopping) I never shared these experiences with anyone until Hubby worked it out for himself. I remember him taking me with child and holding my hand, walking me all around the shopping centre – I mean who has panic attacks about a shopping centre, but it does happen. It still does on occasion and I’m working on it – in my own head… thanks for sharing.
I’m glad you were able to enjoy your experiences despite the panic attacks, Chantelle…..
I suffer anxiety and panic attacks.
Sometimes at the most inconvenient times…like talking to the boss when I was working.. I’d have to say ‘ignore the tears and listen to my words.’…
I have had this problem all my life… I totally relate to the breathing problems you describe…. I have to force myself to deep breathe regularly.
I think you were fantastic to continue on with the dive…
…now this may sound silly, but I talk to my Brain as an independant Being in my head. I tell it it’s in control of my body and to stop the panic, fear, pain or whatever it is that’s producing the stress…. and I don’t think of anxiety and stress with capitol letters … they don’t deserve them.. I save capital letters for Family, Friends, Love, Life…. all the important things.. works for me…
It’s still a problem, but one I can live with.
Hugs Barb xxxx
My sister is an experienced diver, with more than 500+ dives under her belt, and she’s seen a lot of people freak out, it’s very common so I’m told. I can’t go proper diving because of dodgy ears, but I do love snorkeling. Since having kids I am a lot more anxious over weird things, like driving up to Springbrook on a very narrow road with a sheer cliff face with the kids in the car. x
Yes I do. Some days are harder than others I won’t let “it” whatever it is, beat me. But I also don’t put myself out there x
Suffered from anxiety and ‘panic attacks’ since I was 15 – I learnt to control them, but they reared again when I was in my mid twenties. I freak out a lot, and don’t handle crowds, large groups of people/gatherings when I’m not comfortable and start panicking and ‘have to get out of there’…. I cope better since having kids, as I now have a lot more to think and worry bout daily, not just myself and I now do yoga almost every single day which helps. Some attacks are worse than others – some I get through, other’s I still run away. I’m scared most by my youngest starting school next year – and having to eventually go back to work and how I will cope with it and everything else…. I’ve only been a Mum for the last seven years (mostly) but I will get there and take it one day at a time.
Six years ago I went snorkeling for the first and only time while in Mexico touring underground caves. Walking and exploring the caves was fun and pleasant. It was warm and a bit humid in there. Slowly the anxiety started to creep in as my mind started thinking about all the dirt and rocks above me and what would happen if it collapsed on me because of an earthquake. When it came time to put on our snorkel gear and look into the crystal clear water my body went into panic mode. I could see these giant slabs of earth stacked on one another beneath the water, which was totally cool but my lungs just refused to work. I started to hyperventilate. It was a strange experience. My body was doing its own thing. The lack of control was terrifying. A year ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. The anxiety would creep in and take over me. Rapid heart beating, jittery hands, shallow breaths, the intense feeling that something terrible was about to happen. I’ve been lucky to have a great doctor and therapist who have helped me out. My depression and anxiety are under control now 🙂 sorry for the long post!