I’m not even kidding…

Yesterday I went and did the grocery shopping, alone.

Yes, I can hear the squeals of envy from here. I went ALONE to the supermarket, and I took my sweet time as well. I lingered in that cereal aisle like my me-time depended on it.

It’s only a short, twenty minute drive to the supermarket from my house, even when I take the long way. So, that’s about four songs on the radio before I park, unless the radio announcers are talking about the inner details of their lives, then it’s a two song drive. Yesterday I scored an old school R&B song, and you totally know that I rocked that out, hand movements and all, like I was the fourth member of TLC.

I cruised down the motorway, and then took the exit for the supermarket. The exit road is one lane, with cement either side, so there’s no where to go but forward. I was the leader of the pack, still doing my sweet R&B moves, with a handful of cars behind me. I looked ahead and I saw them…

PLOVERS.

I don’t know what I did, but somebody somewhere is playing with me. BIRDS ARE EVERY WHERE. And I don’t like them. As a kid, and a chubby kid at that, I managed to make my way {FINALLY!} to the very top of the climbing frame, and you know what happened in my 30 seconds of glory at the top there? A bird shat on me.

I got a job at a clothing store in town as a 15 year old, and I was walking to my job in the large, open-air car park, you know what happened? A bird shat on me. Not on any of the cars or other people in the large car park, but ME.

I’ve also written many stories on here about being haunted by birds {like this tale, or this one}, because I must have done something in a past life, but back to yesterday.

On the road in front of me was a family of plovers. Plovers, for those that don’t know, are very pesky, protective birds. The odd thing is, that they don’t nest in trees, they nest on the ground. They obviously didn’t get the memo on how to BE a bird.

On the road, was a mum, dad and three teeny little plovers who couldn’t yet fly. The family had chosen that very time to CROSS THE ROAD. In front of me. The parents were on the side of the road, and the three birds were right in front of my car.

The exit road was a curved road, so coming to a complete stop was dangerous, and would almost definitely result in a crash. So I slowed as much as I could, and I swerved, as much as I could, and I swapped singing for squealing for a moment. I freaked out. I think I even closed my eyes for a moment.

BIRDS! WHY? WHY ME?

As I drove on, I screamed back, “I’M SORRY!”

I was sure I’d just killed a bird. I didn’t feel a thump, but three baby birds, one car… the odds were against me. I did everything I could. There was nowhere to pull over, and nowhere to stop.

Once I made it to the supermarket, I messaged Hubby, who is well aware of my history with birds, and he texted back with this:

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Hubby is clearly evil.

I did the shopping, stopping momentarily to think about the birds. THE BIRDS. I hate them, but I don’t want to hurt them. I’m not THAT person.

After dropping Lacey to a birthday party later that morning I suggested that we go by the same spot together, so I could know either way: Was I a bird murderer or not?

We drove by, and I peered out from behind my fingers to see if there was a small family of birds left on the road.

I was safe. They made it. I WASN’T a bird murderer.

THANK THE BIRDS.

Now, I’m done. Birds, you can leave me alone. I’ve done my quota with you guys. LEAVE ME BE.

15 thoughts on “I’m not even kidding…”

  1. Giggling lots. Sorry I know I shouldn’t laugh and that scene in ‘The Birds’ was scary. But I’ve just remembered a time when I walking in a seaside town in the UK and a seagul decided to fly over and empty it’s bowel. It missed me but completely covered the entire roof and front windscreen of a bright red Mini Cooper! I’d forgotten all about that, thanks for the memory and I hope they leave you alone now ?

  2. I am so scared of birds…….I feel your pain on so many levels. I have never hit a bird and don’t actually know if it would make me happy or sad! I vote for the birds to leave you alone too. Mel xx

  3. Haha i hate plovers! We have some that nest in the paddock next to our house, and they always go back to the same spot every year. Last year they decided to get their babies stuck in our shallow empty pond in our front yard and we tried to rescue them twice, (and nearly died in the process cause the parents were NOT happy about it!) We couldn’t even go through our front door for a week they were so bad, so we had to use the back door. And sadly one day i found a dead baby in the empty pond. They couldn’t get out and they wouldn’t leave it until it died. Very sad. We tried putting little ramps in there for them to climb out but they were too dumb. They are the most annoying birds ever!

    Back to your story though… i hit a seagull once and i cried! 🙁

    Oh and remember those swimming lessons when you’re little and everyones sitting down beside the pool listening to the teacher, about to get in and theres about 20 kids there, and yep i got pooped on by a seagull, on my shoulder, in front of everyone! Thats a trauma I’ve never forgotten lol.

  4. Ewww you poor thing! I’ve just been catching up on your blog and with everything that has been going on to THEN have the plovers?! Sending internet hugs, chocolate and well wishes x

  5. For the second year in a row a family of plovers made a nest in the middle of my daughter’s school yard – yes where we walk past to drop her off and they play at recess. The caretaker had to put a big cone-circle around it so the kids wouldn’t go in the area of nesting and get swooped – silliest birds EVER those plovers!

  6. I once plowed into a low flying owl. We live in the country so there are a lot of owls around. The owls guts were all over my windshield. I took a picture to send to my hubby. I felt terrible but what was I to do?

  7. Many years ago I hit a bird on my way home from work. Like you I tried to slow down but the silly thing just wouldn’t get out of the way. I felt so bad! Not long after I got home I started hearing all this squawking coming from outside and I started to panic that all its bird friends had come to get me. I went outside eventually and there was literally birds everywhere just going nuts and then I realised the bird I hit was stuck in the front of my car and all its bird friends had heard its cries and come. I cried and called my husband but he couldn’t come so I had to call my father in law. I was literally hysterical! He came and set it free and promised me it flew away with no dramas but since that day birds scare the absolute bejesus out of me because I’m convinced that are all out to get me! It gives me shivers just thinking about it!

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