Last night as I put Lulu to bed, tears fell from my eyes, despite my best efforts not to cry. I’d been holding it in all day, but the night got to me, and I could hold them in no longer. She looked up from her pillow, caught sight of the tears, and a look of concerned came across her face.
I didn’t know what to do. She’s two. Tell her what was happening, or dance? So I danced.
“Look at mummy being silly! Have a great sleep!”
And she went to sleep without a peep.
I’m a homebody. I like my comfort zone. I’m not a person that should be traveling the world alone. I’m not a person that should be sharing their stories online for people {strangers!} to read. I’m not a person that wants to get noticed in public, or have followers. I’m not a person that gets up and speaks to rooms full of people.
Somehow I’ve become that person.
But it’s not like I’ve run into it with enthusiasm. I’m sitting here waiting for my flight now, wondering how it happened. Like this trip, I was so keen to go on {and 80% of me still is} but it’s the reality of it that weighs so heavily, and made me cry to the check-in lady AND the customs lady. Not pretty tears either.
Maybe it’s because I’m a Gemini and I have two personalities, apparently. Maybe I’m meant to have that side who just wants to be a happy homebody, and then the other side that just wants to explore and be brave.
I like being with my kids all the time most of the time. Right now I’m remembering how perfect they are and how I’ll miss them… when in reality I should be remembering back to about 2pm yesterday when they’d gotten into the eye-shadows and painted themselves and the walls. Maybe I should be remembering that.
I know traveling alone, overseas is not a big deal to many. For me, being away from my loved ones is my one irrational thing. Yeah right, like I only have ONE thing. It’s one of the things. It’s my anxiety trigger. I don’t want to tell you the things that go through my head. Oh the thoughts. I can’t write them for fear that might make them real. I do this {travel, put myself out there, do the things that scare me most} because, what if I don’t? What if I didn’t live the width and breadth of my life, embracing the opportunities thrown at me? I am grateful, so grateful. And there will come a point, today or tomorrow, or the next day, when I breathe in, filling my lungs, and I tell myself, “I’m doing this.”
And perhaps when I land back home, cuddle my little people and my husband too, I can say, “I am brave”.
I’m being brave through my major life transitions so I’ll hold your hand while we be brave together! D x
I hope everything is okay Denyse. 🙂
sounds to me like you are showing them how important it is to face our fears what a wonderful role model
That’s a good point Lisa. xxx
I went overseas on my own for the first time last year (Im 49). Yes I had anxiety but I loved it so much Im starting to prepare for my next trip away alone next year. Embrace it you will have ups and downs on the trip and it will change you. Enjoy it’s going to be wonderful
Thank you. I think it will change me. I’m excited about that. 🙂
You are brave…and wonderful. You will miss your kids. You will miss your Husband. You will love your adventure. When you get home, you will think about doing it again. Be brave. Have adventures. Tell Stories. Your stories are so good. I don’t always comment although I should. Some days your stories are the good thing that happens in my day. So enjoy yourself. Then hurry home to your sanctuary I look forward to hearing all about it.
You are brave – you are doing something even though you are scared/anxious. This is great role modelling for your kids
You can do it. And you are brave, far braver than you think. xx
You are brave! you did it!
As a fellow Gemini homebody out there being brave, I feel you. Also, you’re setting a magnificent example for your kids on what it means to be who we were born to be.
I am so glad I am not the only one who fears travelling alone (I have this huge fear that I won’t even make it out of the airport due to my incompetence – despite being a pretty switched on person most of the time – that’s my irrational thing). But you are showing some awesome courage and doing it!! Yay! 🙂 I hope you have a wonderful time! x
I totally get you! My first trip to Melbourne from my home town meant I had to drive 1.5hrs by myself! Get on a tiny plane by myself! Find my mini bus that would take me to my friends house another 1.5hrs by myself! You get the picture? I suffer from anxiety even my daily trips to work are full of thoughts, that I cannot articulate in case they come true?but know you are not alone ? that trip was 6 years ago, I’ve since driven 2hrs by myself lol, caught a plane, changed planes and travelled to Brisbane by myself. It’s kinda empowering xxxx have a fab time ? all by yourself ???
I get that it is hard. I also think it’s important for your kids to know that you have things that are important to you besides them. I think this helps them to grow up with respect for other people’s endeavours as well as their own. By being brave yourself, you are teaching your children valuable lessons – BRAVO!
I love travelling on my own – I’ve done it since I was 17 and packed up and went to Europe for 6 months – on my own (not quite sure how my mum let me do that!). I love it… or loved it. Now I love travelling with my daughter. I want to share my experiences, talk to her at the end of our days, cuddle her when she needs it, help her fly when she needs it, give her a kiss when I need it… so I get it too. Even if I was a brave explorer before kids, I’m not sure brave and independent any more.
But you are teaching your girls a great lesson about their mum and their own independence. I’m sure you’ve got bucket loads of support for them while you’re away. Hope you’ve built in some support for yourself too. Enjoy yourself, be decadent with you time… you’ll be home and cleaning eyeshadow off the walls before you know it.
x
By putting those feelings in print and showing your vulnerable true self shows how brave you are!
yep, here’s another Gemini that’s both so brave and so scared..I just take turns letting them win.
Ha! Maybe that’s the key to life as a Gemini, let both personalities get a bit of what they want. x
I have the opposite problem right now! On Friday Miss 16 got on a plane to Japan with three other girls for a 3 week exchange program…..I had to fight so hard to not be the mum sobbing uncontrollably as we waved goodbye to her!!! I would be the same as you if I was traveling without my hubby or my girls because we always go everywhere together…..but I’m sure a little bit of enjoyment will creep in there after the anxiousness! Enjoy!
I hear you loud and clear, I have the same anxieties although I also have a want of what you are doing, does that make sense? I’m inspired by you every day I read your blog, and I want to do it too, but I freeze every time I try to begin. I too am a homebody and I too want to do what your doing, I know I would feel exactly the same if I was in your shoes but there is a part of me pushing me EVERY.DAY to just do it…
You ar brave Chantelle Xx
Thanks Lisa. xxx
Your are brave, I honestly couldn’t do it! I wouldn’t even be able to get on a plane let alone travel half way across the world. Good on you! Being brave doesnt mean not being scared, it means being scared and doing it anyway!
Even when I was getting on the plane, on the brink of a panic attack… I was so close to turning around and going home.
I’m here now though, and I can’t believe I did it. Now I’m ready to embrace it. 🙂
You know what? We’re so similar. I love blogging, social media, meeting people, talking… but I equally love being at home in my comfort zone, my happy place with my husband and our dog (I might actually love that more, truth be told). I do think you’re brave. I’ve never flown overseas by myself before. That takes guts, my friend. x
Well Amalfi is a bit delicious to hang out with!
You are freaking brave! And maybe going on this trip will prove that to yourself! You are an inspiration to so many Chantelle! xx
Thanks Emily. xxx
Well done Chantelle – one of my favourite sayings is thus: “What if I fall…?” “Oh, my darling, but what if you fly!?” Enjoy xx
Oh man, I love that quote. Amazing! Thank you. 🙂
Oh thank you for this post! I’ve been awake most night the last two weeks, because my little boy has to sleep at a friends’ house next weekend. (Her son was his best mate in daycare). The fear I’m feeling is so irrational but so real. And so recognizable – I had it as a kid too, hated to be apart from my loved ones. I’m trying real hard not to project it on my own child, but I never expected I would still be the one crying silently and laying awake…
You’re a brave woman, Chantelle! (and so it might be a Gemini thing? – that explains a lot…)
Thinking of you lovely, and hoping you get through it. xxx
You are super brave and amazing. You bring so much joy to so many people and I really hope that you see the awesome that you are bringing out into the world!
Thanks Shari for your kind words. xxx
You are brave. I’d be feeling exactly the same. I think travelling away from your kids sounds delightful but the reality is that it can be hard and the mind can go in overdrive with ‘what if?’ I know you will have an amazing time. Just immerse yourself into the trip and think positive affirmations. X
Thanks Bec. I have a positive affirmation that I’ve been repeating. Definitely helps!
You are brave. You are doing the things you are afraid of, brave isn’t the absence of fear, brave is overcoming it. I am still too afraid and rarely can overcome those things. It is incredibly helpful to me to hear that someone else is afraid of some of the same things I am, I feel so alone in my anxieties sometimes. I hope you have a fun trip.
That’s so true – brave isn’t the absence of fear. Thank you. 🙂
… Chantelle.. I can relate to what you are saying… I don’t like to travel alone .. and I have all the thoughts you are talking about, too.
Hugs… Barbxxxx
You are everything that has already been said here….
Skype the girls and hubby and let everyone see the wonderful lady we know and love…
Thanks Barb! xx
Massive hugs to you, try to enjoy it because it will fly by xxx
I’m determined to do that. I can’t waste it away.
I must admit when I heard you were travelling solo my first thought was, wow, I couldn’t do that!!! But I did once, I travelled to Thailand to meet my hubby & then 2 year old all on my little lonesome & I survived!!!! Well done, brave you, have the time of your life, can’t wait to hear all about it!!! x
I just realised when I was taking off that I went to Malaysia alone, when Lacey was about 4 years and Lulu wasn’t yet born.
How quickly we forget!
As Oprah says “the biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.” Happy adventures! Live the dream, baby! xx
Oh, you know I love anything Oprah. Thank you. xxx
You ARE brave…and loving and kind hearted. It’s a stage you’re going through…your poppets are young but soon enough they will bloom and because you were brave you will be better equipped to deal with that. I would totally have kept you company…remember that for next time LOL ?
Oh, wouldn’t we have had some fun? Can you imagine?
You are brave and it’s an amazing thing that you are doing. They will have forgotten that you went away the day after you get back but the benefit to you of what you are doing will last so much longer. Enjoy your adventure. x
My kids are so freaking adaptable {something I wasn’t as a kid, and something I was determined to be different for them} they actually won’t miss me much. Lacey will get on with life, and Lulu will ask for me a few times… but they’ll love just hanging with Shane, doing Dad/Daughter things.
I think I’m ready to enjoy myself. 🙂
I have that fear of the unknown, I think many of us do, but once the change has happened most of us happily go along with it and enjoy the experiences while thinking how ridiculous we were to be scared. I love that last line. You are brave, bravery comes in different forms. Enjoy the experiences.
It’s so hard leaving your favorite little people behind especially if you’re treking half way around the world. I get that. I think you’re braver than you realise and you do need to live the path created for you. For sure. Think of the wonderful things you’re teaching your girls. The stories you will share with them. One day they will be in awe of you x