I’ve been really uncomfortable lately. I know it will be a good thing, because often these life lessons are sent to serve us with a little perspective. Life seems to throw us in these uncomfortable positions to stretch us, to test us and to make us grow.
It’s not nice when it’s happening. It feels awkward, and exposing, and sad and confronting. I wasn’t going to share about it, but then I thought it was best to share the whole truth, because I never want to be just sharing the shiny, dazzle-y, good stuff. The real stuff is what matters.
And this is real.
I’m an Ambassador for White Balloon Day, which is a day to support and create awareness for children who have been sexually abused, to help stop it happening to other children around Australia {and the world}. Today is that day.
I am a victim of sexual abuse. It happened when I was four, for a few years. I’ve dealt with it all though. It was really screwed up for a while. I didn’t want to be here. It consumed me. It was in my thoughts everyday and it was tough going. But I had counseling, I dealt with all the information I had, all the images in my head I’d remembered and all the conversations that had taken place. I’d found my comfortable place.
There was even part of me that was grateful for my journey. Which sounds so odd, but perhaps I wouldn’t be the person I am today without it. You know: kinder, more open-hearted, thoughtful, imperfect.
Being an Ambassador is something I’m really proud of. I wanted to take that ugly, sad thing that happened and turn it into something beautiful, helping others in anyway I could.
But being in the media, sharing my story, and having conversations has meant that I’ve been uncomfortable. I’ve been asked stuff by journalists that I’ve never talked about before. It’s opened up the conversation in my extended family, and uncovered stories I’d never heard before. I’ve learnt new information about the past. I’ve uncovered information and emotions.
Uncomfortable.
There have been moments when I’ve been grateful for my journey, like I mentioned above, and then there have been times {like this past week} when I just want my bloody childhood back.
Why am I sharing this?
Because this stuff happens. It’s a statistic I’ve repeated over and over to newspapers these past few weeks: one in five kids will be abused before they’re 18. That’s crap. It’s also crap that victims live with those memories for the rest of their lives. We’re uncomfortable, emotional, broken… a lot. And one day you might think, ‘yeah, I’m OK’ and then the next you might be thinking, ‘well, this is a bit shit’.
I want you to know there have been moments {lots of them} when I haven’t felt brave. I’ve felt broken and sad.
I don’t have many photos of myself as a child. I lost them years ago, but I found that photo of myself just the other week. It’s me at age 4, the age that I was abused. It’s hard to look at.
This is all happening for a reason, I’m sure. Perhaps to teach me it’s OK to be vulnerable. To share with you that it’s not easy. Because I know from all the heart-breaking emails and comments I got after sharing my story, that I’m not alone. There are people that have told no one of their story, except for me. They’ve been carrying that around all these years without telling a soul. There have been people that have only just started to share and try to heal. There have been people, like myself, who have healed… and then become a little bit more broken again.
I want you to know, that you’re not alone. There is something that connects us, us victims of something so unimaginable.
If you can today, wear white. Throw some coins towards White Balloon Day. Have a conversation with your kids about how they should always feel safe, and if ever they don’t… they can come to you. Create awareness {not fear}. Share a selfie on social media telling the world who you want to protect. Reach out to another victim and check in on them. Do something, no matter how small, in your own little world. Because you can. Because you care.
Well done love. Thanks for talking about this and for your bravery in sharing xx
It is shit. It’s more than shit. Good on you for standing up and sharing yourself. No matter how ok you are or how well, recounting a story like this over and over is a difficult thing to do. That said, I think it releases it too. It slips out into the world a little more each time to serve others, instead of weighing down on you. My love to you today. I’m wearing pretty much all black but now, I’ll go home and change because that’s the little thing I can do. x
It breaks my heart to hear stories like yours Chantelle. I simply can’t fathom how someone could hurt an innocent child. Thank you for sharing your child and for helping raise awareness of this amazing initiative. I wish I didn’t have to live with the fear and knowledge that things like this happen to children, could happen to my children, but hopefully there will be a day when I don’t, or at least my girls don’t have to worry for their children. xxx
Oh Chantelle. It hurts me that any child should ever have to endure this and all that goes with it (the guilt, the responsibility, the having to defend, explain). I’ve dealt with it in my own way too, but it taints my view of my childhood and when I think on it too much I feel dirty and guilty and like I need to scrub myself clean, so I don’t like to think about it too much. But I am OK. And I am also passionate about stopping this happening to other children, esp as the Mum to two beautiful girls, so I will indeed throw some coins towards White Balloon Day!
Courageous and honest x
I live and work in the Cook Islands and it is such a silent issue here, it is so sad… We open our house up to those who need help but people are just not willing to speak up about it… Thank you Chantelle for being an ambassador and standing up for this cause!
Big hugs Chantelle – there are no words.
It’s so sad to see the innocence in your face in that pic and then know it was shattered in such a horrid way. 🙁 But you, my friend, have gone beyond being a survivor and become a thriver – you’ve worked through it and haven’t gone on just to live but to live beautifully, kindly, honestly and with your whole heart. It takes a special brand of courage and determination to do that, and you’ve done it well. xxx
Standing up and speaking about it (as horrible as it may be) might just reach one person who really, really needs it. x
Such a horrific thing to think about, let alone experience and live with. I can’t imagine the bravery that it must have taken for you to speak publicly about it. But I’m sure in doing so you have helped many people. Bravo.
You’re an inspiration… I work in the field of child protection and am a mother and also a survivor of abuse, some days you have to dig a little deeper than others but your past does not define you… Your actions do… Chantelle, it must have been incredibly hard & confronting to be asked such personal questions and share something so private but what a wonderful strong courageous person it shows you are…. Keep up the great work… I think you are FAB xox
Chantelle, thank you for your honesty! It would be lovely if you could go back in time and live that childhood again in the manner which you deserve – being loved and safe & trusting all of those older than yourself to look after you. Thank you for your bravery and courage, standing up as an ambassador and exposing deep wounds so that other children won’t have to experience such bad things again. We live in hope for a beautiful, peaceful and safe world for all of our children.
You are probably sick of hearing how brave and honest you are but I want to tell you again… Awareness of this and the more it is talked about may save others from feeling they are alone and children from losing their childhood too,
Thank you Chantelle. It is often the honest, uncomfortable word which prove to be the most powerful.
Thank you for being so honest with your feelings. It’s always going to be a part of us but we can try to make good come from our horrible experiences, and you are already doing that! x
There are so few words I can think of to say right now but Be proud my love. I’M proud to call you my friend ❤️
I don’t follow your blog but I read this article after my sister shared it on facebook, I’m glad she did… this was one of the most brave things I have ever read.
I have an anxiety disorder and often feel broken too but reading this helps me put my own issues into perspective.
Thank you for sharing and thank you for helping others in need.
You are brave for sharing your story Chantelle. Child sexual abuse is an absolutely heinous crime. The more we talk about it the stronger the protection is for all of our kids. You telling your story is doing just that. You are an incredible woman.
Jade x
I’ll getting hugging, wearing white and speak to my precious children. I admire how you are trying to see that there’s a message in feeling uncomfortable, but it’s also a shithouse thing to feel, and you are entitled to be sad if that’s what you need. Hugs xxxx
You are amazing! So brave for sharing. That statistic scares the hell out of me. It is so messed up in soooo many ways. I have no personal experience with abuse but as a mother of two little people the idea that anything could ever happen to them makes me feel sick to my stomach and brings tears to my eyes. Sending lots of Love to you and yours. Jx
Heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing, you’re a true inspiration xx
I could go on and on about how tragic your story is, and how I wish your story had turned out differently (which are both true genuine sentiments that come from my heart), but I’d rather say, THANK YOU. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for putting a face on this. Most importantly, thank you for your bravery in speaking out loud. I recently found out horrific details from a former student of mine (whom I still see as a sweet kid in my class who would hang out with her goofy friends in my room at lunch), the various forms of abuse she was forced to tolerate for years (and horrific is an understatement). And it came from people both inside and outside her family. She decided to tell me after turning legal age. I have learned she has gotten help, and is still getting help. But there is no question she is still so fragile and struggling. I doubt she will ever entirely overcome this, who could… but I am doing what I can to encourage her and point her in the direction of things that might challenge her thinking and empower her. I just wish I could go back in time and hold on to that little girl and keep her safe. I guess I share because I understand, just in a different way. I wish more people were brave like you, as I can only hope if my student had seen your story, she would have known she wasn’t alone, and may have had the confidence to *tell* and find a way out. I am in the US, and when I learned of her story, I promptly made a donation to RAINN (no white balloon day here). I challenge all your readers to find an equivalent organization in their country, as I can only hope that a few more lives might be saved. My dear Chantelle, I send you my gratitude and my love.
Hi, I’m a relatively new reader to your blog and I have enjoyed reading many of your posts. But today I am sitting here speechless, trying to wrap my head around the coincidence of me finding your blog in the first place and secondly of the similarities we both share…ones that I think neither of us would wish on even the worst kind of person.
This week has been a collision of events for me and the fact that it is White Balloon Day today is even more astounding. I too am a survivor of child sexual abuse and I was 4yrs old when it began. My abusers were family members, a friend of my family, a cleaner at my Primary School and a member of the congregation of the church we attended. All abuse stopped when I was 14, but I never confided in anyone about the abuse. In late May I read a local newspaper article revealing the names of 17 institutions that had so far, been named in the Royal Commission investigations into child sexual abuse within institutions. It was a huge trigger for me and I began to unravel so rapidly I hardly knew what had hit me. Since that time I have been receiving help to deal with all the memories I was reliving and have been working hard to get to a stage where I could participate in giving information to the Royal Commission. My opportunity to do that came this week and I was so happy that I would be able to give a voice to the 9yr old girl I had been when my Primary School cleaner abused me. My silence all these years has had a very toxic effect on my health over time and I wanted desperately to be free of this one burden…but…
The universe chose the worst time ever to lay another emotionally charged life event on me. I was fortunate enough to be able to speak to the Commissioner and tell my story, which really meant a lot to me. But not even an hour afterwards my husband had to tell me that my estranged brother (one of my abusers) had been found dead. My mother had been informed the night before and a decision had been made to not tell me until after I gave my statement to the Commissioner. I cant put words with how I am dealing with this. I’ve had to put it all aside to be there for my mother, who is a mess. No parent should have to bury their child, regardless of what kind of person their child was.
So now I have to dodge questions that inquisitive people want to know. Be questioned about the absence of a relationship with my brother. Be judged for my lack of sad emotion. Be exposed to my father who sexually abused both my brother and I and relive the fear and trauma I suffered because of them. I want to scream at people or something, tell every person that will turn up at the funeral that the person they knew, was not the person I knew.
I dont know how I am going to get through this, but then I remind myself of what I have already survived and I know I have the strength somewhere. I hope I find it.
Sending you hope and strength to get through this. You can and you will… I believe in you. *hugs*
Oh my goodness. You are a fighter lady and you deserve to live life to the fullest and be free from these two as sad and devastating as it is. Be there for your mother and let fate be their destiny of those that hurt your little soul. Huge hugs and here if and when you need to chat. V x
I hope it gets better and your husband and friends love keeps you strong
So incredibly brave of you to write about this. Children are so precious and it is horrible to read your childhood was robbed. Thank you for your courage in raising awareness on child abuse.
Brave words Chantelle. Thank you for sharing. For representing all those who don’t have the courage. The statistics, the stories, the reality is so so sad. xx
It is hard to look at your photos & imagine what was happening to you. I am so glad that for the most part you are in a good place within yourself. I can imagine it would be hard to have all this out in the public but good on you for making a stand xx
Thanks for sharing your story Chantelle. I can’t believe that statistic, 1 in 5, that’s shit. I wish you could have that child innocence back. Hugs to you and anyone else with a similar story. xx
Beautifully said for something no child (or person) should have to ever endure. Brought tears to my eyes – having children bring them so much faster! How can we not want to nurture and protect these amazing beautiful little beings! You are beautiful and brave Chantelle. It’s the predators that should feel awkward, ashamed, embarrassed and mortified. Talking about it brings much needed awareness, that it happens and that it is not acceptable. Thank you for sharing something so personal Cx
Thank you for your honesty,so true no child should ever have to endure abuse on any level.Great work being an ambassador for white balloon day x
Thanks for sharing Chantelle.
No-one should have to go through what you and others have endured. Thank you for sharing and also for standing up for those who don’t have a voice x
Thank you for being brave, far braver then me. I went through CSA from 3 perps and was involved in an incident as a teen. I can’t even begin to describe how much of an impact it has had, how damaging it has been and the heavy heavy heavy toll it has had on my mental health. I am damaged. It is with me always and I cannot escape. I have ‘forgiven’ my main abuser…more like rised above it but I cannot forget…psychologically or physically. My body remembers, my gut instinct screams in horror. I have two daughters and every night I pray they are kept safe. I talk to them about how their bodies are private and I silently plead with the universe to protect them. I am constantly frightened for them and all the children in the world. I feel, and I am, tortured.
Love you x
Sending you soooooo mcuh love. 1 in 5… that is sickening heartbreaking. I am speechless and uncomfortable at the thought and so I should be because it helps me to understand just one speck of what you and other victims have been forced to feel. Way to go girlfriend for being so bravely uncomfortable and open xxx
Well done Chantelle. I too am a victim of sexual abuse. Which has made me stronger and explaining to my daughters from an early of what is inappropriate as I did not want this to happen to them. It haunts me that it happens and that I cannot protect those I know from this. My daughters will have friends who have gone through this and we need to do all we can to make the younger generation know that no matter who what or where that it is never ok. Hugs and love. V x
You are so brave to speak out & share….I am sure it will help others so much. Best wishes to you.
thank you so much for sharing and for being an ambassador for such an important cause. so brave.
You are so brave to share and put yourself out there to help others! Well done!
I don’t know about you, Chantelle, but the more I write about painful things, the lighter and stronger I feel. Kudos to you for being brave enough to lay your heart on the page. Your beautiful daughters will shine and spread their wings by your awesome example. Thanks for taking the time to share your heart with the world. You are a gift.
Your courage fills everything you do – the courage to light the silent scary place of abuse to change the lives of others.
Thank you for the difference you make to children around the world – personally you are making such a difference to the girls at Rafiki Mwema.
Your leading light will shine the path of change for others.
Thank you x
Have we told you lately that we love you? Thank you for caring and thank you for your honesty. The more I learn about you, from you the more I am humbled. I hope you have a beautiful weekend with those closest to you.
You are so brave. You have shown great courage in sharing your story so openly , so honestly and so selflessly to help others. Let your light shine bright because you are beautiful inside and out.
Props to you for sharing your story and being vulnerable.
I have been very blessed but I often feel like I missed out on parts of my childhood as well. Whether it was due to my severe anxiety, eating disorder, or my mom’s epilepsy, all which started before I was in high school, sometimes I feel like I missed out on being a care-free kid. But most of the time I am grateful for the journey that I have been on thus far because it has made me who I am today!
You are so brave Chantelle and you truly are living life inspired. Thank you for sharing your story and being the voice for those that can’t protect themselves. Child abuse is a worldwide problem
hugs and kisses to a brave,kind,happy to make others happy beautiful woman xx
The figures never cease to astound me. Your bravery should be applauded and I truly hope your honesty and openness helps keeping the silence broken for other survivors.