Parenting is hard Chantelle my children are nearly 26 and having her own baby and my son will be 28 this year,you never stop freaking out,you learn to let go but you never stop worrying about them Xx
I thought that might be the case. Ah, parenting.
Yes!!! Constant internal struggle of holding them close and letting them go. My advice? It is never too early for wine. ?
Thank you. Cracking one open now. 😛
I dont see what the age of your daughter is, but I agree that times have changed since we were kids. Even since my kids were kids. They are now 34 and 30. And I didn’t let them do the things I did as a kid. I walked and rode my bike every where by myself. It was not a big deal. But I did not let my kids do that. I let them go to the store a couple times together, but not alone. I was furious with my son when he was in middle school. So somewhere in the 6-8th grade. He skipped school with friends, took a public bus downtown to a skate park. I was furious. He was not only grounded, but he was forbidden to hang out with the kid who instigated the whole thing for a few years. But then once the kids were in high school, I gave them a lot more freedom. Both were very involved in sports and school activities. I think that is key. Keep them involved in school, whether it is clubs or sports. There is plenty for them to do. So keep the kids busy and you will be just fine 🙂
Thanks lovely. We do two sports, and I’d have thought she’d be knackered… but from the moment she wakes, til the moments she sleeps, she is on the go. 🙂
omg I still watch my 3 teenage girls cross the road to the bus stop in the morning so clearly I am not the person to ask!!!!!!!!!!!
I live in a tiny estate where only 9 cars probably go in/out a day. So it’s all relevant, I guess. 🙂
Hi Chantelle, I understand the need to let go however I also see the need to keep holding on too. I don’t think you should fight this urge to hold on at this age. I can only share with you what I did and hopefully you will get something from that. First of all, my two older kids didn’t get anywhere near the freedom my youngest got and that is simply because the youngest one was born street smart (I swear she was). She started going out by herself around the age of 9 or 10 and when I say by herself I mean without me. I wasn’t faced with this kind of drive to get out with my older two but this one, hates games, movies, books etc, just wants to be outside with a ball. Initially she wasn’t allowed out unless someone came to the door for her or I drove her or walked her to the person’s house she expected to be with. She had to be with someone at all times and she had to check in with me every 30 minutes – a watch was purchased and she turned up at the door every 30 minutes – a lot of the other parents started to do this too, so effectively they walked from house to house checking in but they didn’t care they were ‘big kids’. Then it got stretched out to every hour as they got older and now she is 11 turning 12, she is given a 2 hour check in, she must be with someone at all times, although she is allowed to bike or scooter to the park or someones house, if no-one is around she comes straight home. If she is going to play at someones house she needs to call me and let me know because once in a backyard I can’t find her if I go looking for her. If it rains she must come straight home (this was ignored once and I was out looking for her in a storm, she got grounded). She must always tell any child she is leaving where she is intending to go (and still must be with somone) for example when I couldn’t find her in the storm, I knocked on one of the kids doors and he told me who she was with, I then found her at that person’s house. I’m lucky she understand the rules = freedom and her freedom is priceless. She can’t go out unless her room is tidy and her homework is done – her room is never so messy that she can’t clean it up in 5 minutes and her homework is always done, her freedom to get out has massive value. Unfortunately the other two don’t care about freedom and I have no currency with them.
Oh wow, she sounds like Lacey – with her need to be out, burning energy. I love that you have such clear boundaries. It sounds like it really works. x
My boys are now in their 30s but the issues you face and how you deal with them are not that dissimilar to mine. But when I was young it was quite a different world. There were four of us kids and we would go out for an entire day, swimming in flooded storm water drains, catching spiders and snakes to bring home (yep, true), and generally having a great time. We lived in a small country town and most children did the same things. Our parents never knew where we were but they seemed pretty relaxed about it all and we were always home by dusk. There were no devices to help track and check. However the rules changed significantly when we became teenagers, particularly the girls. I have no advice really – you just do what makes you feel the most comfortable given the times we now live in. Just make sure they understand your rules and why they are in place.
So true Chris. I think it’s probably worth explaining, in ways they understand, why those boundaries exist. Good advice! x
I really want to have some awesome advise, but I really don’t. My kids are a similar age to yours (one is a bit older) and I have a similar struggle. Added to that we are/have been in the police for many years. We do live in a more relaxed environment than many in Australia but that really doesn’t mean much.
We cannot even try to compare parenting in this day and age cannot to that of our childhoods. The world has changed more in the last 30 years than ever before.
Stress about that is relevant. It isn’t ridiculous.
At the moment I’m trying to have faith that we are building great relationships with them. That we are able to teach them awareness without an alarmist attitude.
If something goes awry like you have described, I flip out a bit and we leave it for a bit. Time is often what their development needs.
Its not easy.
Good luck mama. But do not ever feel that your response is wrong. Every experience is one of learning. For all of you.
Thanks Kim. I really appreciate it. xx
This is a challenge for most parents, I would guess. So yes, the post makes absolute sense. I don’t really have any answers because I still have young ones and trying to find the answer myself. It can be a real internal struggle. I do know that my husband is much more trusting and encourages them to discover for themselves and allows them to go further than I would, so he balances me out. His encouragement to “let them go” means I step back more than when he isn’t around but still we haven’t tackled doing things by themselves in the big wide world. No going down the street by themselves or anything so …. I can almost feel a panic attack just thinking about it. Gah. I’m no help. Over and out. x
Yeah, I think it’s good to have a partner who balances you out… I think that’s why I hate the weekends that Shane works because it’s just me, them and my decisions… an anxiety!
Oh my goodness Chantelle, I am THE WORST person to give you any constructive advice on this subject. I am a complete control freak when it comes to my kids. I think you are so brave even considering letting Lacey walk around the block by herself. My daughter Emily turns 13 in a couple of weeks and it’s only in the last year we (I) have let her walk to the end of the road to the servo and back – we live in a fairly rural area. The minute they step out of the door I have visions of them being abducted. As with @vickiknockedupabroad:disqus, my husband is far more relaxed about things like this, understanding the need to relax the reigns so that they learn and grow up trusting in their own abilities. I want to be able to let go, so that both my children don’t feel stifled, but my own need to keep them safe just takes over – it sounds like you have a far better handle on this than I do. When Emily started Kindergarten all those years ago I began to have severe panic attacks and actually had to see a therapist, which really helped. I don’t want them to grow up scared of the world…… BUT…………….. (plus I remember what I used to get up to at 13). PS. Lacey sounds like she’s got some of her shit together by suggesting you ask for advice – plus she’s got you as a Mum, so she’s a lucky girl. xxx
Thanks Sharon. It was actually my Mum who told me to ask my friends. Sorry if I wrote that in a confusing way!
I love that I’m not alone with my feelings. Thanks for sharing your story, as I found comfort. Thank you!
xxx
It is so inspiring reading all of the comments. You can clearly see how loved the children are.
My son is 20 and all of his life I was the overprotective mum who just knew that something would happen if I let down my guard.
Four years ago, my son was put in the position of not having me available to take him places or being able to have that eagle eye trained on him for two weeks. He did so well!
You have to trust that you have talked to them and that they know what is wrong and what are the right things to do.
Isn’t that a beautiful thing? How much we love our kids? Thanks for sharing your story. I’m so glad to hear he thrived. 🙂
I feel your anxiety Chantelle but I’m sure you are doing an amazing job and only you know your children well enough to make decisions for them.
I have three little ones {7, 4 & 2]. I think I’m just sitting on the fringe of being a helicopter parent. We live in a rural property so I’m more comfortable at home letting them go out and explore. I like to encourage them to find their own way, climb trees and learn their own limitations but I still know exactly where they are and what they’re doing at all times. Even at school pickup it’s not uncommon for me to miss the entire gist of a conversation because I’m tuned out listening for my kids voices in the background. I think being a mum comes with heightened senses and an overwhelming desire to protect. I think it also depends on the child though. My eldest is the most responsible little person I’ve ever meet so I trust her to make good decisions. My other two though: free-spirited, hilarious and adventurous! I can attribute each grey hair on my head to one of their crazy capers! 🙂
Hahaha! Yes, I think each child is different… and I know with kids from my nanny years that each kid requires different care… and can handle different responsibilities. I adore my Lacey, but she will be the kid to continually test me, I know!
I know the feeling! My 11 year old loves freedom and since we have been giving him a little bit more over time he has blossomed. It probably started about a year and a half ago with walking to the local shop then riding his bike to a friends house then bit by bit he now can ride his bike to school. He now has a little crew of friends that he sees on the way or they ride together. I still worry (I have driven past school many times making sure his bike is there :)) but he just seems so much more confident and happy when given that freedom and personal responsibility. One day though he missed his curfew by half an hour and his punishment was no walking/bike riding etc for a month, he was quite upset and has not broken the curfew since.
I still worry but I trust him and we live in a small community where he probably knows as least one person on every street in our suburb so we have chatted about knocking on their doors if he needs help. We also have a lovely corner store and cafe that he can go to.
These hard bits for us parents, seem to be very important for their development and confidence. Good luck with it all 🙂
This is so true. It’s vital for their own growth, even though it feels like it’s breaking us a little.
You sound like a beautiful mama. xx
I am having the same problem so will be keen to see what others say. I am finding it very hard to let my 13 year old have more independence. She is emotionally very young & her behaviour swings from “so grown up” to “4 year old” many times a day. We are taking baby steps but it is scary (for me)
Thinking of you. I feel you. xx
It’s a parents job to protect their children, and many kids don’t realize that all we want to do is protect them and teach them to protect themselves. It’s okay to be over protective but when you realize you are being a little over the top maybe sit and talk with them. I know after my sister passed, my parents grew more strict esp when I became a teenager and I did view them as being annoying and I never felt like i could do anything and one day my dad broke down and told me that he felt like it was his fault for letting my sister who was (19) drive in the rain and that he couldn’t bare the thought of losing me. From that point on I had a different perspective. Had he been honest with me to begin with I wouldn’t have rebelled so much. We expect our children to be honest with us and we should be honest with them, even if it means admitting our greatest fears and mistakes.
Oh gosh, this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I really felt/feel for your Dad and how that might feel to carry that with him. 🙁 xx
It is a very difficult thing to do, letting them go out on their own. My eldest is 14 and she started with a walk to the local milk bar which is about 200m away to walking around the block. I found it really hard and would always be waiting for her out the front. I’ve done the same thing with my other 2 children and each new step is difficult and a frightening. It is though, so important for them to be resilient and independent. When your children are older, it is so good to send them off to the supermarket for supplies instead of having to go yourself!!!
I look forward to that! 🙂 😛
I don’t know if this helps, but the bland fact is that crime is a lot lower now than when we were kids. So – just like when you fly you remind yourself that flying’s safer than driving to the airport – remind yourself of that. And make her have a friend with her. 🙂
This is calming! Thank you. x
Now that you have set the ground rules again, let her give it another shot soon (at least some time before she turns 18! lol). Immediately before she sets off around the block, say to her ‘I know you can follow the rules and I want you to be able to do this and I will be so proud of you if you can show me you can be my responsible big girl’ 😀 … I have found with my girl (aged 10) that I don’t tell her I am proud of her every little achievement which means that when she does do something that is important for her to (be able to) do, the effect of me telling her I am proud of her and that she is ‘such a big girl’ really has an impact.
Also, to relieve your own stress, let her know that ‘it only takes (however many) minutes to walk from A to B, so if you aren’t back in (however many) minutes then I will worry and will have to come and look for you. At the age of 7 my son’s first attempt at going somewhere alone was to walk to the Post Office for me to post a letter and come straight back. I knew that it should take no longer than 10 minutes so I let him know that he was to go straight there and straight back because if he did anything else and wasn’t back in 10 minutes then I would worry. I gave him some freedom but the boundries were set and I did this for years if he was asking to walk somewhere – I’d work out how long it would take to get there, how long to do whatever it was he was doing, and how long to get back … and then I would hang out the window watching the hill and if he didn’t come over the hill at the exact time I had predicted he should, then the shoes would go on and I’d be walking up the street, lol … usually only to find him on the other side of the hill on his way home. 😀
Ah yes, I should have told her that. Because I know it only takes 3 minutes to walk our block, and that’s what I was banking on her returning. Isn’t it funny the things we don’t consider communicating?
She went up to her friend’s house behind us to ask something, and they invited her in and she said no, I need to go home. I was so proud of her {and the mum behind us was too, because she knew the struggle I’d had}.
Thanks for sharing your story. I really appreciate it. x
I love that you and Lacey managed to navigate this on your own and that’s my biggest piece of advice. Work it out together, compromise, give her a little and rein her straight back in if she takes a lot. And then if that doesn’t work….take away all the cool electronic stuff that starts with “i”.
My daughter is only 5 and started school this year but she is a firecracker! Full of opinions, determination, enthusiasm abd attitude. None of those things do I want to be dulling down about her because one day its those attributes that will get her through her battles. I encourage her to be her but I simply ask that she keeps me in her loop, we talk about everything and so far, its going well. I know it wont always be this way but I think our foundations are solid and that will strengthen as we go on. Fingers crossed!
Otherwise, just drink the wine.
Beautifully put. I love how you said this, “She’s full of opinions, determination, enthusiasm abd attitude. None of those
things do I want to be dulling down about her because one day its those
attributes that will get her through her battles.”
Thank you. x
Xx you’re doing a bloody amazing job Chantelle, don’t forget that!
Gosh I really needed to read this today. I do hover and I am a helicopter parent. I’m the one at the park following my child around and I’m not necessarily proud of this. But he isn’t yet three and I don’t quite know how to navigate the balance between breaking an arm and working out how to climb up those silly rope things. I even wrote about it and called it “The mother I wish I was”. I wish I was the cool chilled type too and I envy those who are.
Its hard watching them grow up and want their independence. My eldest is 7, but I feel that she is turning 13! She doesn’t want to wait, and wants everything now! Like having sleepovers, watching movies that are too old for her, staying up late (which has been our big issue lately), and wanting to learn things that I didn’t learn until I was much older. I just want my ‘big’ girl to stay little a bit longer. I’m glad you and Lacey could agree on new boundaries. 🙂
Parenting is hard. I’m beginning to think that it never stops being hard, because once we really “get” how to manage one stage, our little people grow and move onto the next stage and we’re faced with a whole bunch of newness.
On really tough days, there’s wine. And a whole bunch of other parents who feel like they’re screwing up too. So, remember that you’re never alone x
Parenting is hard Chantelle my children are nearly 26 and having her own baby and my son will be 28 this year,you never stop freaking out,you learn to let go but you never stop worrying about them Xx
I thought that might be the case. Ah, parenting.
Yes!!! Constant internal struggle of holding them close and letting them go. My advice? It is never too early for wine. ?
Thank you. Cracking one open now. 😛
I dont see what the age of your daughter is, but I agree that times have changed since we were kids. Even since my kids were kids. They are now 34 and 30. And I didn’t let them do the things I did as a kid. I walked and rode my bike every where by myself. It was not a big deal. But I did not let my kids do that. I let them go to the store a couple times together, but not alone. I was furious with my son when he was in middle school. So somewhere in the 6-8th grade. He skipped school with friends, took a public bus downtown to a skate park. I was furious. He was not only grounded, but he was forbidden to hang out with the kid who instigated the whole thing for a few years. But then once the kids were in high school, I gave them a lot more freedom. Both were very involved in sports and school activities. I think that is key. Keep them involved in school, whether it is clubs or sports. There is plenty for them to do. So keep the kids busy and you will be just fine 🙂
Thanks lovely. We do two sports, and I’d have thought she’d be knackered… but from the moment she wakes, til the moments she sleeps, she is on the go. 🙂
omg I still watch my 3 teenage girls cross the road to the bus stop in the morning so clearly I am not the person to ask!!!!!!!!!!!
I live in a tiny estate where only 9 cars probably go in/out a day. So it’s all relevant, I guess. 🙂
Hi Chantelle, I understand the need to let go however I also see the need to keep holding on too. I don’t think you should fight this urge to hold on at this age. I can only share with you what I did and hopefully you will get something from that. First of all, my two older kids didn’t get anywhere near the freedom my youngest got and that is simply because the youngest one was born street smart (I swear she was). She started going out by herself around the age of 9 or 10 and when I say by herself I mean without me. I wasn’t faced with this kind of drive to get out with my older two but this one, hates games, movies, books etc, just wants to be outside with a ball. Initially she wasn’t allowed out unless someone came to the door for her or I drove her or walked her to the person’s house she expected to be with. She had to be with someone at all times and she had to check in with me every 30 minutes – a watch was purchased and she turned up at the door every 30 minutes – a lot of the other parents started to do this too, so effectively they walked from house to house checking in but they didn’t care they were ‘big kids’. Then it got stretched out to every hour as they got older and now she is 11 turning 12, she is given a 2 hour check in, she must be with someone at all times, although she is allowed to bike or scooter to the park or someones house, if no-one is around she comes straight home. If she is going to play at someones house she needs to call me and let me know because once in a backyard I can’t find her if I go looking for her. If it rains she must come straight home (this was ignored once and I was out looking for her in a storm, she got grounded). She must always tell any child she is leaving where she is intending to go (and still must be with somone) for example when I couldn’t find her in the storm, I knocked on one of the kids doors and he told me who she was with, I then found her at that person’s house. I’m lucky she understand the rules = freedom and her freedom is priceless. She can’t go out unless her room is tidy and her homework is done – her room is never so messy that she can’t clean it up in 5 minutes and her homework is always done, her freedom to get out has massive value. Unfortunately the other two don’t care about freedom and I have no currency with them.
Oh wow, she sounds like Lacey – with her need to be out, burning energy. I love that you have such clear boundaries. It sounds like it really works. x
My boys are now in their 30s but the issues you face and how you deal with them are not that dissimilar to mine. But when I was young it was quite a different world. There were four of us kids and we would go out for an entire day, swimming in flooded storm water drains, catching spiders and snakes to bring home (yep, true), and generally having a great time. We lived in a small country town and most children did the same things. Our parents never knew where we were but they seemed pretty relaxed about it all and we were always home by dusk. There were no devices to help track and check. However the rules changed significantly when we became teenagers, particularly the girls. I have no advice really – you just do what makes you feel the most comfortable given the times we now live in. Just make sure they understand your rules and why they are in place.
So true Chris. I think it’s probably worth explaining, in ways they understand, why those boundaries exist. Good advice! x
I really want to have some awesome advise, but I really don’t. My kids are a similar age to yours (one is a bit older) and I have a similar struggle. Added to that we are/have been in the police for many years. We do live in a more relaxed environment than many in Australia but that really doesn’t mean much.
We cannot even try to compare parenting in this day and age cannot to that of our childhoods. The world has changed more in the last 30 years than ever before.
Stress about that is relevant. It isn’t ridiculous.
At the moment I’m trying to have faith that we are building great relationships with them. That we are able to teach them awareness without an alarmist attitude.
If something goes awry like you have described, I flip out a bit and we leave it for a bit. Time is often what their development needs.
Its not easy.
Good luck mama. But do not ever feel that your response is wrong. Every experience is one of learning. For all of you.
Thanks Kim. I really appreciate it. xx
This is a challenge for most parents, I would guess. So yes, the post makes absolute sense. I don’t really have any answers because I still have young ones and trying to find the answer myself. It can be a real internal struggle. I do know that my husband is much more trusting and encourages them to discover for themselves and allows them to go further than I would, so he balances me out. His encouragement to “let them go” means I step back more than when he isn’t around but still we haven’t tackled doing things by themselves in the big wide world. No going down the street by themselves or anything so …. I can almost feel a panic attack just thinking about it. Gah. I’m no help. Over and out. x
Yeah, I think it’s good to have a partner who balances you out… I think that’s why I hate the weekends that Shane works because it’s just me, them and my decisions… an anxiety!
Oh my goodness Chantelle, I am THE WORST person to give you any constructive advice on this subject. I am a complete control freak when it comes to my kids. I think you are so brave even considering letting Lacey walk around the block by herself. My daughter Emily turns 13 in a couple of weeks and it’s only in the last year we (I) have let her walk to the end of the road to the servo and back – we live in a fairly rural area. The minute they step out of the door I have visions of them being abducted. As with @vickiknockedupabroad:disqus, my husband is far more relaxed about things like this, understanding the need to relax the reigns so that they learn and grow up trusting in their own abilities. I want to be able to let go, so that both my children don’t feel stifled, but my own need to keep them safe just takes over – it sounds like you have a far better handle on this than I do. When Emily started Kindergarten all those years ago I began to have severe panic attacks and actually had to see a therapist, which really helped. I don’t want them to grow up scared of the world…… BUT…………….. (plus I remember what I used to get up to at 13). PS. Lacey sounds like she’s got some of her shit together by suggesting you ask for advice – plus she’s got you as a Mum, so she’s a lucky girl. xxx
Thanks Sharon. It was actually my Mum who told me to ask my friends. Sorry if I wrote that in a confusing way!
I love that I’m not alone with my feelings. Thanks for sharing your story, as I found comfort. Thank you!
xxx
It is so inspiring reading all of the comments. You can clearly see how loved the children are.
My son is 20 and all of his life I was the overprotective mum who just knew that something would happen if I let down my guard.
Four years ago, my son was put in the position of not having me available to take him places or being able to have that eagle eye trained on him for two weeks. He did so well!
You have to trust that you have talked to them and that they know what is wrong and what are the right things to do.
Isn’t that a beautiful thing? How much we love our kids? Thanks for sharing your story. I’m so glad to hear he thrived. 🙂
I feel your anxiety Chantelle but I’m sure you are doing an amazing job and only you know your children well enough to make decisions for them.
I have three little ones {7, 4 & 2]. I think I’m just sitting on the fringe of being a helicopter parent. We live in a rural property so I’m more comfortable at home letting them go out and explore. I like to encourage them to find their own way, climb trees and learn their own limitations but I still know exactly where they are and what they’re doing at all times. Even at school pickup it’s not uncommon for me to miss the entire gist of a conversation because I’m tuned out listening for my kids voices in the background. I think being a mum comes with heightened senses and an overwhelming desire to protect. I think it also depends on the child though. My eldest is the most responsible little person I’ve ever meet so I trust her to make good decisions. My other two though: free-spirited, hilarious and adventurous! I can attribute each grey hair on my head to one of their crazy capers! 🙂
Hahaha! Yes, I think each child is different… and I know with kids from my nanny years that each kid requires different care… and can handle different responsibilities. I adore my Lacey, but she will be the kid to continually test me, I know!
I know the feeling! My 11 year old loves freedom and since we have been giving him a little bit more over time he has blossomed. It probably started about a year and a half ago with walking to the local shop then riding his bike to a friends house then bit by bit he now can ride his bike to school. He now has a little crew of friends that he sees on the way or they ride together. I still worry (I have driven past school many times making sure his bike is there :)) but he just seems so much more confident and happy when given that freedom and personal responsibility. One day though he missed his curfew by half an hour and his punishment was no walking/bike riding etc for a month, he was quite upset and has not broken the curfew since.
I still worry but I trust him and we live in a small community where he probably knows as least one person on every street in our suburb so we have chatted about knocking on their doors if he needs help. We also have a lovely corner store and cafe that he can go to.
These hard bits for us parents, seem to be very important for their development and confidence. Good luck with it all 🙂
This is so true. It’s vital for their own growth, even though it feels like it’s breaking us a little.
You sound like a beautiful mama. xx
I am having the same problem so will be keen to see what others say. I am finding it very hard to let my 13 year old have more independence. She is emotionally very young & her behaviour swings from “so grown up” to “4 year old” many times a day. We are taking baby steps but it is scary (for me)
Thinking of you. I feel you. xx
It’s a parents job to protect their children, and many kids don’t realize that all we want to do is protect them and teach them to protect themselves. It’s okay to be over protective but when you realize you are being a little over the top maybe sit and talk with them. I know after my sister passed, my parents grew more strict esp when I became a teenager and I did view them as being annoying and I never felt like i could do anything and one day my dad broke down and told me that he felt like it was his fault for letting my sister who was (19) drive in the rain and that he couldn’t bare the thought of losing me. From that point on I had a different perspective. Had he been honest with me to begin with I wouldn’t have rebelled so much. We expect our children to be honest with us and we should be honest with them, even if it means admitting our greatest fears and mistakes.
http://ohhelloprecious.blogspot.com
Oh gosh, this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I really felt/feel for your Dad and how that might feel to carry that with him. 🙁 xx
It is a very difficult thing to do, letting them go out on their own. My eldest is 14 and she started with a walk to the local milk bar which is about 200m away to walking around the block. I found it really hard and would always be waiting for her out the front. I’ve done the same thing with my other 2 children and each new step is difficult and a frightening. It is though, so important for them to be resilient and independent. When your children are older, it is so good to send them off to the supermarket for supplies instead of having to go yourself!!!
I look forward to that! 🙂 😛
I don’t know if this helps, but the bland fact is that crime is a lot lower now than when we were kids. So – just like when you fly you remind yourself that flying’s safer than driving to the airport – remind yourself of that. And make her have a friend with her. 🙂
This is calming! Thank you. x
Now that you have set the ground rules again, let her give it another shot soon (at least some time before she turns 18! lol). Immediately before she sets off around the block, say to her ‘I know you can follow the rules and I want you to be able to do this and I will be so proud of you if you can show me you can be my responsible big girl’ 😀 … I have found with my girl (aged 10) that I don’t tell her I am proud of her every little achievement which means that when she does do something that is important for her to (be able to) do, the effect of me telling her I am proud of her and that she is ‘such a big girl’ really has an impact.
Also, to relieve your own stress, let her know that ‘it only takes (however many) minutes to walk from A to B, so if you aren’t back in (however many) minutes then I will worry and will have to come and look for you. At the age of 7 my son’s first attempt at going somewhere alone was to walk to the Post Office for me to post a letter and come straight back. I knew that it should take no longer than 10 minutes so I let him know that he was to go straight there and straight back because if he did anything else and wasn’t back in 10 minutes then I would worry. I gave him some freedom but the boundries were set and I did this for years if he was asking to walk somewhere – I’d work out how long it would take to get there, how long to do whatever it was he was doing, and how long to get back … and then I would hang out the window watching the hill and if he didn’t come over the hill at the exact time I had predicted he should, then the shoes would go on and I’d be walking up the street, lol … usually only to find him on the other side of the hill on his way home. 😀
Ah yes, I should have told her that. Because I know it only takes 3 minutes to walk our block, and that’s what I was banking on her returning. Isn’t it funny the things we don’t consider communicating?
She went up to her friend’s house behind us to ask something, and they invited her in and she said no, I need to go home. I was so proud of her {and the mum behind us was too, because she knew the struggle I’d had}.
Thanks for sharing your story. I really appreciate it. x
I love that you and Lacey managed to navigate this on your own and that’s my biggest piece of advice. Work it out together, compromise, give her a little and rein her straight back in if she takes a lot. And then if that doesn’t work….take away all the cool electronic stuff that starts with “i”.
My daughter is only 5 and started school this year but she is a firecracker! Full of opinions, determination, enthusiasm abd attitude. None of those things do I want to be dulling down about her because one day its those attributes that will get her through her battles. I encourage her to be her but I simply ask that she keeps me in her loop, we talk about everything and so far, its going well. I know it wont always be this way but I think our foundations are solid and that will strengthen as we go on. Fingers crossed!
Otherwise, just drink the wine.
Beautifully put. I love how you said this, “She’s full of opinions, determination, enthusiasm abd attitude. None of those
things do I want to be dulling down about her because one day its those
attributes that will get her through her battles.”
Thank you. x
Xx you’re doing a bloody amazing job Chantelle, don’t forget that!
Gosh I really needed to read this today. I do hover and I am a helicopter parent. I’m the one at the park following my child around and I’m not necessarily proud of this. But he isn’t yet three and I don’t quite know how to navigate the balance between breaking an arm and working out how to climb up those silly rope things. I even wrote about it and called it “The mother I wish I was”. I wish I was the cool chilled type too and I envy those who are.
Its hard watching them grow up and want their independence. My eldest is 7, but I feel that she is turning 13! She doesn’t want to wait, and wants everything now! Like having sleepovers, watching movies that are too old for her, staying up late (which has been our big issue lately), and wanting to learn things that I didn’t learn until I was much older. I just want my ‘big’ girl to stay little a bit longer. I’m glad you and Lacey could agree on new boundaries. 🙂
Parenting is hard. I’m beginning to think that it never stops being hard, because once we really “get” how to manage one stage, our little people grow and move onto the next stage and we’re faced with a whole bunch of newness.
On really tough days, there’s wine. And a whole bunch of other parents who feel like they’re screwing up too. So, remember that you’re never alone x