You know when you meet someone and they seem to be a little too good to be true? Good looking, funny, sweet and intelligent. Yeah, that. Well, Matt is one of those people. This is how he describes himself: Matt Ross is a stay at home parent and daddy blogger. He has two children, one is The Boy who insists on following him everywhere and has a hankering for diggers and biccies, the other is his blog, don’t ask him to choose a favourite, a parent never tells. Mrs Under plays the role of photographer, proof reader, bread winner and beautiful wife and she does them all very well.You’ll want to pop over and read his blog, but first read this.
I love to cook, actually I will revise that, I love to cook for adults. They say nice things about your food, even if you can tell that their tastebuds aren’t quite onboard. They generally eat what is placed in front of them, they may leave the dry flavourless chicken breast on the side of the plate and play ‘the vegetarian card’ but at least they have the good grace to lie. With the odd exception food finds it’s way from plate to mouth without going via the floor, the side of the mouth, the table and the walls. Most adults are pretty adept with cutlery these days, some still wield a knife and fork like they are about to commit first degree murder on a potato but they are at least trying.
Cooking for my little boy is different; he sucks every bit of pleasure out of cooking and leaves me with an unpleasant chore.
One
Toddlers are the fiercest of food critics. They say that actions speak louder than words and given that my 2 year old son is not yet fluent in the word department his actions certainly leave nothing to the imagination. “If your soup isn’t up to scratch I will put it in my mouth, but only so I can give you a look of complete distain and then let it dribble slowly down my chin”.
Two
What I am left with once my son excuses himself from the table, he doesn’t verbally excuse himself he just suddenly decides the time is right to leave the scene, is a clean silhouette of him with foodie smears, splatters and stains all around where he used to be, like a Jackson Pollock abstract piece only less valuable.
Three
His tastes are somewhat of a moving target. “Yes I liked watermelon yesterday and yes I led you to believe that it was the best thing since dummies but today I can’t stand the stuff, now take it away and get me some mango!” The only guaranteed draw seems to be the foods that you once foolishly offered up as a one off treat; the naughty ones. I’ve since learnt there is no such thing as a one off treat.
Four
Cutlery is little more than a superficial prop. It’s clenched tightly in one hand whilst the other hand picks up the intended target and after some squishing, squashing and smearing takes it to the general mouth region where it may or may not gain access to the mouth itself. Forks are used purely as stabbing weapons to deter any overzealous parents from covertly hiding some spinach underneath a chip.
Five
How about a nice refreshing beverage to compliment the meal sir? Mealtime drinks for my son have lots of functions, none of which unfortunately are actually drinking. They make a wonderful finger bowl for those food smeared digits. A car wash for one of the toy cars he has smuggled up to the table? Impromptu vases for lettuce, cucumber and any other food stuff that have the misfortune to be green in colour. But why stop there, why not pick up the glass and pour it over of your plate, before looking up as if to say “and what’s for desert?”
Do you recognise any of these culinary behaviours in your own bundles of joy? What would you add to this list?
Oh yes mine used to do all that and more,and food fads are very common in that age group I had a child that would only eat Beetroot and she ate so much her bowel movements were purple as in beetroot colour now she will not even eat it!
Multi-coloured poohs would certainly keep nappy changing ‘interesting’. Strange what they decide to get hooked on isn’t it?
Oh my, I started cry-laughing! Lucky the story stopped where it did or I may have embarrassed myself. Mother of a 6yr and 20mo, who is a challenging meal time character. Unless its breakfast, which is mostly all good.
Cry laughing is the ultimate accolade Michelle, thank you, so much better than just crying. Good luck with the challenge that is toddler feeding
WHY do they insist on placing their whole hand in their cup? WHY?! Drives. Me. Crazy. And yes, the whole thing about loving a food one day and turning their nose up at it the next. Sigh.
I feel terrible that as a non-parent I found this hilarious. :*)